VA’s Top Ten ’80s Cartoons

10. TIE -

Rude Dog and the Dweebs



Rude Dog was a white cartoon dog developed by Sun Sportswear in the 1980s as part of a line of surfing- and skateboarding-related clothing. The character was a stylized version of a Bull Terrier, and the name "Rude" had the dual purpose of glorifying bad behavior and referring to the Rude boy subculture of Ska that was popular at the time. The majority of the clothing used angular artwork and neon colors, in keeping with the fashion trend shared by Quiksilver, Vision Street Wear, PCH, and many others.

To further market the character, the Sun company also developed a Saturday morning cartoon entitled Rude Dog and the Dweebs. Rude Dog and the Dweebs was as colorful as the clothing it advertised. The punkish pooch himself drove a 1956 pink Cadillac across a backdrop of Beverly Hills imagined in hues of pastel and neon.

Rude Dog ran an auto shop, where he was assisted by the Dweebs, a motley group of dog assistants. The team included the stuttering Caboose, the uptight Brit Winston, a Jack Nicholson-esque Reggie, Southern-accented Barney, Sach, who sounded like Ed Wynn, and a friendly Chihuahua named Tweek. Rude Dog himself spoke with a Brooklyn accent and had a girlfriend named Gloria.

Their feline foe was the vicious Seymour, and joining him in the chase was the ubiquitous dog catcher Herman and his assistant Rot. Each week, Rude Dog and company balanced their auto shop duties with attempts to elude the persistent Seymour, Herman, and Rot.

The show aired on CBS for one season.

The Raccoons



The Raccoons was a Canadian animated television series, first broadcast from 1985 to 1992. First airing in 1980 with The Christmas Raccoons TV special, The Raccoons slowly began its journey to becoming a regular animated series, using assorted specials over the next few years as stepping stones (The Christmas Raccoons, The Raccoons On Ice, and The Raccoons and the Lost Star), before finally becoming a regular series in 1985. Five series of episodes were produced, airing from 1985 to 1992.

The series featured the adventures in the Evergreen Forest of Bert Raccoon and his friends Ralph and Melissa, particularly in their attempts to thwart the anti-environmentalist actions of a pink aardvark named Cyril Sneer and his trio of pig henchmen (called Lloyd, Floyd and Boyd).

9. Inspector Gadget



Inspector Gadget was an animated television series about a clumsy, absent-minded, and oblivious detective, Inspector Gadget, who is a cyborg with various "gadgets" built into his anatomy. Gadget's main nemesis is the mysterious Dr. Claw, leader of an evil organization known as MAD. This was the merchandising company DiC Entertainment's first syndicated show, and ran from 1983 to 1986 in syndication.

8. Thundercats



ThunderCats is an American animated television series developed by Rankin/Bass in 1983 based on the characters created by Tobin "Ted" Wolf. The animation was provided by Topcraft, a Japanese group who would later go on to form Studio Ghibli. Season 1 was shown in 1985 (65 episodes), followed by a TV movie entitled ThunderCats - HO! in 1986. Seasons 2, 3, and 4 followed a new format of 20 episodes each, starting with a five-part story. They aired from 1987 to 1988, 1988 to 1989, and 1989 to 1990, respectively.

7. Super Mario Bros. Super Show



The Super Mario Bros. Super Show was the only one of the three American Mario animated series to air in syndication. The first part of each episode was live action and showed Mario (played by "Captain" Lou Albano) and Luigi (Danny Wells) living in Brooklyn, where they would often be visited by celebrity guest stars, such as Cyndi Lauper, Danica McKellar, and a Cher impersonator. Occasionally, the main actors would be playing guest stars themselves, forcing their regular characters to leave when it came time for their other characters to show up.

The second part of each episode was a cartoon based on the Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. 2 video games, where Mario, Luigi, Princess Toadstool, and Toad battle against King Koopa, often in a movie parody. Getting into the spirit of these parodies, Bowser usually had a different outfit for each one. Interestingly, Wart, the main antagonist of the second game, was never in any of the episodes, yet most of his minions managed to appear. Like most 1980s cartoons, Bowser would prolong the series' run by escaping from his adversaries (which he did through the use of sub-space potions), despite the fact that they could easily catch him. The Super Mario Bros. cartoon was shown on Mondays through Thursdays only.

On Fridays, the show would air the Legend of Zelda cartoons based on the game of the same name, in which Link and Princess Zelda fight against the forces of Ganon. Scenes from the episode were shown during the live-action segments on the preceding days as sneak previews.

6. Transformers



The Transformers cartoon depicted giant robots, each of which had at least two modes. In one mode, the Transformer often resembled a humanoid, or in some cases, an animal. In their alternate mode, they were disguised as vehicles, creatures, or objects. The Transformers were divided into protagonist Autobots and antagonist Decepticons.

5. Muppet Babies



Jim Henson's Muppet Babies aired from 1984 to 1991 on CBS. Loosely based on a sequence in the Muppet movie, The Muppets Take Manhattan, in which Miss Piggy imagined what it would be like if she and Kermit the Frog grew up together, the show portrayed childhood versions of Muppets living together in a large nursery in the care of a human woman called Nanny. The most notable feature of this show is that it started a trend for relaunching popular character franchises as younger versions of themselves. This trend can be seen in A Pup Named Scooby Doo, Baby Looney Tunes, Flintstones Kids, and numerous others.

4. Jem



Jem ran from 1985 to 1988. The show is about a singer, Jem, her band the Holograms, and their adventures. Catch phrases from the show included "Showtime, Synergy!" and "Outrageous!" (the latter usually associated with supporting character Kimber).

Despite the fact that the show was originally designed by Hasbro for the purpose of marketing a line of dolls, it was acclaimed for its interweaving storylines and complex backstory, which were almost unheard of in an animated television series at the time. The show also features two-minute music videos, tying it in with the concept of MTV and its burgeoning popularity. The animated series still retains a very loyal fan-following and to this day is still widely regarded as one of the 80's finest cartoons.

3. TIE -

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe



He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is an American animated television series produced by Filmation based on Mattel's successful toy line Masters of the Universe. It made its television debut in 1983 and ran until 1985, consisting of two seasons of 65 episodes each. The show, often referred to as simply He-Man, was one of the most popular animated children's shows of the 1980s and has retained a heavy cult following to this day.

She-Ra: Princess of Power



She-Ra made her début in the five-part opening adventure to the syndicated series which premiered in 1985. This five-part story (comprising of "Into Etheria", "Beast Island", "She-Ra Unchained", "Reunions" and "Battle For Bright Moon") was later re-edited into the full length animated movie, He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword. The syndicated series was cancelled in 1986, after 2 seasons and 93 episodes.

2. The Smurfs



In 1976, Stuart R. Ross, an American media and entertainment entrepreneur who saw the Smurfs while travelling in Belgium, entered into an agreement with Editions Dupuis and Peyo, acquiring North American and other rights to the characters. Subsequently, Ross launched the Smurfs in the United States in association with a California company, Wallace Berrie and Co., whose figurines, dolls and other Smurf merchandise became a hugely popular success. NBC television executive Fred Silverman's daughter had a Smurf doll of her own, and Silverman thought that a series based on the Smurfs might make a good addition to his Saturday-morning lineup.

The Smurfs secured their place in North American pop culture in 1980, when the Saturday-morning cartoon, The Smurfs, produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions, finally debuted on NBC from 1981 to 1990. The show became a major success for NBC, spawning spin-off television specials on an almost yearly basis. The Smurfs was nominated multiple times for Daytime Emmy awards, and won Outstanding Children's Entertainment Series in 1982–1983. Parts of Modeste Mussorgsky's 1874 classical musical composition, Pictures at an Exhibition (Gnomus, Tuileries, Gargamel's theme variation about 1.5 minutes in, and a scene segue part about 10 minutes in), are used in the cartoon. The series currently airs in reruns on Boomerang, and 26 selected episodes were aired in DiC Entertainment's syndicated programming blocks. The series is still being shown regularly on many channels throughout the world. The cartoon was formerly distributed by Television Program Enterprises (the later name of Rysher Entertainment) and WorldVision Enterprises, Inc. by having some episodes with those company names. The cartoon is now distributed by Warner Bros. Television.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



On December 10th, 1987, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' first cartoon series began, starting as a 5-part miniseries and became a regular Thursday morning syndicated series on September 8th, 1988 with 13 more episodes. Starting on September 4th, 1989, the series was expanded to weekdays and had 65 more episodes for the new season. On September 10th, 1990, the series (with a different opening sequence and end credits) began its run on CBS. The weekend edition presented a full hour of Turtle Power, initially airing a couple of (then) Saturday exclusive episodes back to back. The series ran until November 2nd, 1996. The popularity of the series gave rise to numerous imitators, including Battletoads, Street Sharks, and Biker Mice From Mars.

Playin’ in The Sandbox: Street Fighter Previews Ryu Mini-Review

Why mini? Because it's 10 after midnight as I type this.

A couple years ago, I made a bonehead move. See, SOTA Toys had just launched it's Street Fighter action figure line. It flew somewhat under the radar at first, but soon word spread in the collector community, and hardcore and casual SF fans a like picked up the line.

Me, being the tight fisted bastard I am, knew this one June day, when I walked into Hot Topic, and spotted a lone Ryu figure in his white Gi. Sure he looked cool, but I only had 30 bucks on me, and he was 14.99. "I'll pick him up later." I said to myself. WRONG. So fucking wrong. He was gone the next day, and I've lamented that decision ever since. Especially since that figure now fetches 40 bucks on the secondary market.

Since then I've gone a long, picking up certain figures from each subsequent wave, knowing there's a huge gap in my collection. Ah, but SOTA bailed me out. Last year they announced they were going to reboot if you wheel, the SF line, in a new scale, and new body type. The first three figures would be released under the "Previews" banner, consisting of Ken, Akuma, and you guessed it, Ryu.

During a jaunt at Sam Goody today, I spotted these figures, and thanking God for second chances, picked up Ryu.

Now this is normally the part where I'd show you the packaging, but I have to admit, I popped him open in the parking lot, and ditched the box somewhere. Basically it's just a large white box, with pictures of the figure on it, and some kanji written on the front, and the word "Previews" prominently featured. You'll know when you see it, trust me.

Anyway, on to the figure itself:



As you can see, Ryu is fairly impressive, and the scanner doesn't do him justice. He has about 33 points of articulation, so you'll get him in pretty much any pose you want. His Gi is made of a soft vinyl plastic, as is his head band.



He comes with two hands, closed fists, and open "Shoryuken" palms. He also has a clear base, which can be used to pose him doing the hurricane kick.

Now, while I love this figure, I feel kind of cheated. First off, the original figure came with an extra head, and a duffel bag, in addition to the hands. Secondly, the price. Ryu rang up at 19.29, while the other SF figures generally run from 13 to 15 bucks at retail. I almost feel as if I paid extra for the packaging. Also, if you do have the older figures, Ryu is slightly out of scale, so be warned.

That being said, it's still an oustanding figure, and not a purchase I regret. For anyone that collected the old line, or for anyone that was looking for a new jumping on point to start collecting them, you can't go wrong here.

Playin’ in the Sandbox: Another Pee-Wee’s Playhouse re-release figure review.

Back again with yet another look at Neca's Pee-Wee's Playhouse line. Last time, we took a look at Pee-Wee himself, that review can be found by simple scrolling down, you lazy fuck.

Anywho, another trip to Spencer's, netted yet another figure, let's see who I got.



"I'm trying to free your mind."

Yes friends, it's Morpheus as seen in Keanu Reeves recurring wet dream "Moo Moo Buckaroo". Or...It's a Cowboy Curtis figure, fuck if I know.

Yes, upon the suggestion of my lady friend Alex, I did indeed pickup Curtis here from Spencer's today. The picture of Pee-Wee and Curtis on the carding suggests Paul Reubens is tryin not to laugh while Fishburne is explaining how he totally nailed the Dream Warriors screen test.

The Cowboy here is a nice looking figure considering how long ago it came out, and seems like he's made of heavier plastic. The paint is pretty clean, and the detail is surprisingly cool, especially on the vest and boots. Anyway, get a good look at the figure by clicking on the pics below. Or don't, see if I give a shit.





Now anyone reading this is thinking: "Hey asshole, last time you bitched about the price of these things, and you went and bought another one?" You'd be right, it is kind of hypocritical of me, however I came to the conclusion I couldn't own just one of these. I mean shit, you can't just have Pee-Wee standing there by himself, with his thumb up his ass.

These still retail for 13 bucks, and they still aren't really worth it, but hey, that's 13 bucks you might've sent to Feed the Homeless, and fuck them. Spencer's is still the only place that carries these right now, so prepare to to weave your way around big, cock shaped daiquiri blenders on the way to re-capturing your childhood.

Playin'; in the Sandbox: Pee-Wee's Playhouse Series 1 Re-Release

So, I'm going to be honest right up front, I'm not the most diehard Pee-Wee fan in the world, but the show does have a special place in my heart, being a kid from the 80's.

When I heard NECA Toys had accquired the rights to release Playhouse inspired toys, I was excited. When I heard Paul Reubens had asked them to re-release the original '87 Matchbox line, I was more excited. Now having bought one, am I still as excited? We'll see.

A casual jaunt into Spencer's brought me face to face with the re-releases. Present were Pee-Wee, Miss Yvonne, and Cowboy Curtis, though Jambi & The Puppetland Band, and Pterri are also in the first wave of re-releases.

After some debate, I bought one figure. Why just one? We'll get to that. But I think it's pretty obvious who I purchased.



Yep, the man himself, Pee-Wee Herman.

First off, NECA went to great lengths to recreate the look and feel of the Matchbox line. The carding is pretty much dead-on, including the big "AS SEEN ON TV" that was present on the original packaging.

Now we'll move to the back of the packaging, and we'll see why I only bought one figure.



Hmmm..Collect 'em all, wave one, 12.99...HOLY SHIT, WHAT? Yeah, that's not an illusion folks. This little piece of nostalgia ran me 13 dollars. Granted, I'd pay more for the original online, and NECA has to pay for the licensing fees, but Jesus.

So once we get past that, let's take a look at the figure itself.




As you can see, Pee-Wee here retains every detail of the Matchbox version right down to the crazy red cheeks, and squishy head. He comes with no accessories, but then, neither did the original, so I can't gripe too much. In the end, it's going to be up to the individual whether or not they want to collect a line with such a steep price tag. Part of me suspects the prices will vary, because Spencer's has a nasty habit of jacking up prices simply because they can, but I would guess 10 bucks a pop is about as cheap as you'll find them. In my case, I kind of balked at the price, but since I never had the original figures, because my parents simply didn't care for the show (and this was pre-masturbatory Pee-Wee too), I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.

And note that the words "Series 1" are featured very prominently, so there's a chance we'll see others from the original line, like Reba, Globey and Randy, and my personal favorite, the King of Cartoons. So was it worth it the money? I can't say that it was, but I do know that a Pee-Wee figure, with an added touch of a wasted ball of tinfoil put a smile on my face.

Barney's Hide and Seek

Sponsored by Joesph Leiberman



Ah, Barney's Hide and Seek. A true cult classic that, as I'm sure you're well aware, slipped under the radar of many Sega Genesis owners back in the early '90s. How could you not love Barney the dinosaur? He's purple, he sings, he loves. And he's in a video game where you get to play hide and seek! What's hide and seek, you ask? Well, that's a game us old timers used to play back before you bastard kids had your fancy "virtual reality" machines like the R-Zone and the Virtual Boy.

I'm in a loving mood today, and I'm willing to give this game a fair shot. Who knows, it might actually be fun!

Playing in the Sandbox: TMNT Happy Meal Premium

Two things in the world are guaranteed to make you feel like a kid again, or atleast they are for those of us here at VA. One being the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the other being Happy Meals. The mere mention of either is enough to take you back to the days when Toys R Us was still cool, you actually looked forward to birthday parties, and Optimus Prime died every god damn week.

So imagine the look on my face when I found out that the two would combine into some ultra-orgamic nostalgia thingy. Just picture that scene from every episode of Happy Days when Henry Winkler does something amazing, and there stands Richie Cunningham, in mouth agape Fonzie mark out mode. That was me.

So with that, I travelled to the local McDonald's and somehow managed the nerve to order a Mighty Kid's Meal, which is basically a Happy Meal with more food.



Who could it be now? NAH NAH NAH NAAAAAH! To be honest, I was hoping for Raphael, who has always been my favorite, let's see who I got.



It's Mikey! I'm going to be brutally honest, Michaelangelo was never my favorite turtle as a kid, due to the way he was kind of forced on us, but I kind of warmed up to him in later years. As you can see, Mike is pretty much what you can expect from a fast food premium. He has articulation at the shoulders and head, can turn at the waist, but that's pretty much it.

Look at that picture long enough, and you'll notice a pretty big oversight, no nunchucks. Yes, 60% of Mike's gimmick has been left out. It wouldn't have been a big deal, if I hadn't seen the insert that came with him:



What the hell? Leo and Don get their respective kitana sword and bo staff, but Michaelangelo and Raphael get shafted out of both of their weapons? This kind of short range weapon bias dates back to the orginal TMNT game for the NES, where if you picked anyone other than Leonardo or Donatello, you were pretty much dog shit. Bad form, golden arches, bad form.

Also, based on the picture above, it would appear your odds of getting a decent toy are pretty much left up to fate. You either get an action figure, or a shitty squirt thingy. Since Mike had a big number '1' on his package, I'm assuming the action figure turtles will all come out first, followed by the squirters.

Added bonus on Mike though, if you were wise enough to pick up the Toddler Turtles pack from Playmates, they appear to fit together nicely:

Where's Waldo? The Ultimate Fun Review

Where's Waldo? Why should I care? Will Fox News proclaim me a hero if I find him? Who cares. We all know that Waldo is long dead. BOYCOTT ARUBA.

Anyhoo, it's no doubt that Where's Waldo is one of the greatest works in the history of literature. At least, it was to me. The only "books" I "read" in my youth were High Heel Magazine and Where's Waldo.

Sure, Waldo was a fucking wuss, and his girlfriend Wenda was probably his sister, but Waldo showed kids that not all books are fucking boring. Screw reading about that Huck fag. I'm gonna look for Waldo!

We watched the Where's Waldo cartoon on CBS every Saturday morning. We ate the Where's Waldo pasta. Waldo soon became a sell-out pop culture phenomenon. And like all sell-out pop culture phenomenons, Waldo got his very own NES game! Two, as a matter of fact! I'm only going to review the second one because you get to play a bonus level where a dog with glasses rides a carpet.

Another Look Back: WCW vs. NWO World Tour Official Strategy Guide

Holy shit, yet another strategy guide review? This time with even more spelling errors? YES!

Back in the late 90's, pro wrestling underwent a surge in popularity, and this was reflected in various forms of merchandise. Unfortunately for fans of video games and wrestling itself, most wrestling games sucked during this era. Sure, we got Raw is War for the PS and N64 from Acclaim, but if you're holding that one up as an example of a passable wrestling game, your standards are amazingly low, which is why you only date women in wheelchairs, you sick fuck you.

Thankfully THQ and AKI decided to bring the Virtual Pro Wrestling series over to the states, slap a couple WCW logos on it, and make us forget the horror that was In Your House. The first game was WCW vs. the World for the PS. It was crude but functional, though good luck finding anyone that remembers it. In late 1997, the N64 got a shot in the form of WCW vs. NWO: World Tour, and the rest was history.



Once again we're dealing with an OFFICIAL strategy guide. The Giant is conveying it's officialness with gritted teeth, and bags under his eyes that suggested he was in the middle stages of a drug problem. And as you can see, this guide is written by Brian Boyle. Remember that name for the remainder of your days.



Before you actually play the game, Brian Boyle feels he should throw some wrestling terminology at you. I said some, and I meant a lot. Brian obviously views himself as a wrestling historian, so he felt the need to list a page and a half of actual wrestling terms, and some shit he just made up.



Oh Brian Boyle, you're such a number 3.

3. A fucking asshole

Keep in mind, THIS GAME IS NOT A KAYFABE. So everything is like 100% legit. My cousin's friend from two towns over told me so. You've never heard of him, and he doesn't have a phone.

Once Brian feels he's wasted enough paper, we take a look at some of the wrestlers featured in the game.



Oh boy, Ric Flair! With his charismatic interviews *21, his breathtaking entrances *22, and his glittering robes! *23

• 21 The only speech in the game is in the intro, with the Giant screaming about being tired of Eggo waffles


• 22 There are no entrances, just guys adjusting their balls in the corner


• 23 The robe budget was spent on adding Glacier to the game

It's the Hulkster! The Immortal Hulk Hogan! Complete with his patended finishing move, the Top Rope Stinky Leg Drop! I totally remember when he dropped the Stinky Top Rope Leg on Andre! Truely, Brian Boyle is a wrestling encyclopedia*24

• 24 Suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

In addition to the WCW roster, there were other wrestlers in the game. Many of these were NJP wrestlers, with different names, and a little Brian Boyle fictional bio magic added.



Rejected Brian Boyle Saladin bios:

• What if he's like a child molestor AND a cobra?


• Dusty Rhodes in sweat pants, covered in shoe polish

If you were willing to devote 6 weeks of your life to the game, you'd eventually reach the final boss, Joe Bruiser.





So depite his BIG FUCKING RIGHT UPPERCUT TO THE CHIN OH MY GOD I'M COMING, Brian opted to include numerous pictures of Joe getting fucked up by a polygon Hot Topic customer.

After reading this guide, I decided to find out more about the man behind the player's guide, and emailed Prima to get in touch with Mr. Boyle. To my delight, I not only got a response, but an autographed photo from Brian himself:

Remember ALF? He's back. In Sega Master System form.

Sponsored by:



"Just watch us now... please?"

Oh, how I cherish my sweet, yet cloudy memories of the 1980s. Michael Jackson could be trusted in a McDonald's Playplace. Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. Huey Lewis and the News showed us the power of love. We lived to find out the secret word of the day. We fell in love with a spunky girl called Punky. We played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys, we slept on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets, we ate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pudding Pies, and were most likely conceived because our parents used Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles condoms.

These were the days that we could buy a licensed video game, and no matter how bad it was, our love was so blind for Robocop, Ghostbusters, or even the Noid, that we could play the biggest piece of shit, without any complaint. As long as I got to steer Kermit the Frog in an innertube, all was right with the world.

My very earliest memories are of me watching ALF. I was absolutely fascinated by the character. ALF was unlike anything I had ever seen before. He ate cats, he was fluffy, and that nose... just, wow. Oh, and those one liners... what a guy, that ALF was.

The bitch that babysat me in the late '80s had a Sega Master System. What the fuck is a Sega? We only had a Nintendo, and goddammit, it was good enough for me. But one game really caught my eye: ALF. That's right, this bitch had an ALF VIDEO GAME. I only remember snippets of the game; ALF jumping around in the kitchen, ALF running away from child molesters, and ALF getting run over by a kid on a motorcycle.

As the years went by, I had pretty much forgotten about the ALF game, but not ALF in general. I was heartbroken when NBC cancelled my beloved sitcom. Fast forward to 1996. ALF IS BACK WITH A NEW TV MOVIE ON ABC! And so my love affair with ALF began yet again. I pulled my talking ALF doll out of the closet, and watched my reruns of ALF on the old Betamax.

Of course, 1996 came and went. ALF was gone yet again, and I had since moved on. UNTIL NOW.

A Look Back: NBA JAM TE Players's Guide

Back in the early 90's at the peak of the console wars, it seemed as if a new game came out every week for the SNES or Genesis. In some cases such as Mortal Kombat, and it's respective sequels, games had multi-console launches. Seeking to reap even more cash during the gaming boom, companies began releasing players guide's for certain games.

Let's be clear though, there were "Unauthorized " guide, and "Official" guides. What's the difference you ask? Unauthorized simply meant that an independent company released a player's guide without clearing it with the game's maker, and couldn't use the logos on the cover. So if you had any plans to play the bad boy card, and impress Susan Bigtits next door with your unauthorized guide, she'd headbutt you into a coma with her face, and laugh at you.

Today we take a look an official guide, to NBA JAM TE, or Tournament Edition if you're a pretensious asshole.

You may think that NBA Jam is just a game where you mash three button, but you're so totally wrong dude. The official player's guide laughs at how fucking wrong you are, with your perceived grasp on NBA Jam TE.See? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out a player with a lower dunk rating will have less spectacular dunks. What an asshole you are for thinking differently. The official player's guide thinks so little of your pre-conceived notions on dunking, it decided to make a superfluous rocket scientist reference to remind you where your bread was buttered.

We're skipping several pages here, because I felt like it.

Next up is the player bios, which were interesting. The official player's guide is alternately full of praise, and scorn for some players. Like your alcoholic father that told you you'd never amount to shit, until 30 years later on his deathbed, he tells you how proud he was when you used to beat up handicapped kids in high school.

Horace Grant was clearly the favorite of the player's guide. Aside from a snide remark about his three point shooting, the guide feels you should be more like Horace Grant, and will compare your lackluster life to his at every Thanksgiving.

Next up is Charles Oakley. Oak is clearly inferior to Horace, but the player's guide keeps going back to Oak, despite his violent temper, and tendency to pie face people.

Finally, we end things with Terry Mills. The player's guide secretly resents Terry for having to drop out of high school to raise him, so every Christmas the guide likes to show the picture of Terry getting his shot blocked, while being punched in the sack.

If there's anything you take from this, remember that you'll never be as good as Horace, you fucking disgrace you.

Super Dotgraphics Fun!

A package arrived today. Just for shits and giggles I figured I'd order a Nintendo Dotgraphics "statue". Why not? I'm a Nintendo whore. I'll buy anything if it has that little long oval with the word Nintendo in it. Unfortunatly, it's six bucks for a 4 inch high piece of plastic.

The crap shoot here is, as you can see, there is no markers on the box to tell you which one you'll be getting. It's random, which means you have about a 1-in-10 chance of total disappointment.

LOOK! DONKEY KONG! SUPER MARIO! LINK! BALLOON FIGHT! How can any of this go wrong? Total awesomeness in every box!

...

... Except for mine. It god damn figures. I get the perhaps least exciting one in the group. That's not to say that I dislike the game, but Jesus H. Christ, there isn't anything exciting about a guy in a blue parka. Except for the fact that he is beating a bird to death with a hammer. These are still REALLY awesome for any Nintendophile like myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IN38_Qo3YA <--- YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE THING! COMPLETE WITH SOUND!

Double J's Best Games of 2006

10. Final Fantasy XII (PS2)

Final Fantasy games are a big deal. When one hits, you know it. FFXII was of little exception. Although there was a different kind of calamity about this one. Square-Enix must have decided a change was in order. Instead of the tried and true method of the RPG standard turn based action, it happens in this weird, semi-real time kind of battle. Hell, if you really want to, you could even damn near have the game play itself for you. FFXII is a beautiful game, with a very well written story. But to say it was simply disappointing is only scratching the surface. It's still great though, for what it is. But as a Final Fantasy game? It will never rank in the top 5.

9. NEW Super Mario Bros. (Nintendo DS)

Nerds everywhere have waited years for this game. Take Super Mario Bros. 3, throw in some Super Mario Bros. 1 and Super Mario 64, and you've got NEW Super Mario Bros. There is a problem though. Yeah, it's a Mario game. Run, jump, don't fall, and squish the Goomba. But it has little heart. The quirkiness of the Mario genre almost feels force fed. It doesn't have that feel as you would expect from a Mario game. It's great, but the levels are fairly tame and lack any REAL design. They are almost like levels some guy on the internet created for his online Mario knockoff. With all that said, this is still an amazingly fun game that can really leave you reaching out for a fix of Mario. Let's hope we get a sequel.

8. Dragon Quest Heroes:Rocket Slime (Nintendo DS)

A game that I never thought of playing. I like RPGs, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had passed up this game all together. Honestly, and I don't like to admit this, but I decided on playing this game based on hearing them talk about it on an IGN Game Scoop Podcast. This game is adorable. It's a quirky RPG adventure that is in vain of The Legend of Zelda series. It's cute, it's funny (especially the shocked expression Rocket gives quite often...), and it's just fun. Plus it has tank battles. Using yourself or your friends as tank ammunition is hilarious enough on it's own. The tank battles are some of the most intense battles I've had in a handheld RPG ever.

7. Bully (PS2)

Jack Thompson is rolling over in his grave. Well, at least I wish he was. This game will apparently lead to thousands of deaths in America alone. I mean, as we speak, some kid is plotting on training with a Hobo to kick some guys ass right now. This game is Grand Theft Auto Lite. It's an open playing field where the main area of attraction is your school campus. I guess you play as a bully, even though there are pricks in the school worse than you. It's just good, juvenile fun without hooker holes.

6. Elite Beat Agents (DS)

Music. I genre I love apparently. I mean, for whatever reason there seems to be a music game that is always topping lists these days. Including my own. Frequency, Guitar Hero, hell, I'm even a fan of those Karaoke Revolution games. This is an interesting take on the genre. You are basically male cheerleaders that help people get through difficult times in their lives by dancing and singing an EXTREMELY eclectic group of songs, from Deep Purple to Madonna, they've got the bases covered here.

5. Tetris DS (Nintendo DS)

It's Tetris. It has an NES theme. It's Online. That is all.

4. Wii Sports (Wii)

Holy Jesus H. Christ. I figured Wii Sports would be a fun game. Just look at screen shots, how bad could it really be? I find this game funny for one particular reason. It doesn’t take much movement to play the games, but when Tennis comes up, you’re on your feet chasing the ball down like you are really on a court. Thusly making you look like a total jackass. Wii Sports has a funny way of making everyone want to get in on the action. My dad hasn’t played a video since the original Gran Turismo on the Playstation, and yet he asks me to hook the thing up so he can play some golf and bowling. Good job Nintendo.

3. Okami (PS2)

Clover Studios is/was/is going to be again a great game company. They stay sort of under the radar. People don’t recognize the name, they made some great games too. Viewtiful Joe is an amazing game. But their true masterpiece is Okami. Stripped down, without the wacky premise, the game is a strikingly similar to an N64/Cube/Wii Legend of Zelda game. It’s an action adventure RPG. You are a wolf god, and you defeat your enemies with the power of a paint brush. Okay, that sounds gay, but you don’t know if you haven’t played it. There is something disturbingly beautiful about painting a line on the screen that cuts your enemies in half.

2. Guitar Hero 2 (PS2)

Guitar Hero was my Number 1 game of 2005. It had a lot going for it. Awesome tracks, and an awesome controller to go with it. Guitar Hero 2 would have been the single most anticipated game of the year if it weren’t for the fact that Nintendo and Sony were launching consoles the following month of it’s release, and Nintendo was bring Zelda with them. Guitar Hero 2 improved upon some of the mechanics, making some of the more hand warping moves easier to pull off. Plus the soundtrack is right on par with the previous release, featuring some of my all time favorite songs like Free Bird and Carry On Our Wayward Son. It’s just as awesome now as it was a year ago.

1. Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess (Wii)

The Gamecube failed to launch with a legit Mario game. And it never even really got one either. Sure, it launched with Luigi’s Mansion, but that just doesn’t cut it. The Nintendo failed again without a Mario title at launch, but they made up for it big time. Nintendo’s newest console, the Wii, hit shelves with a game that had long since been considered a Gamecube game, but Nintendo stepped it up a bit, added some fantastic Wii Remote capabilities, and made the best game of the year. Period. I don’t want to be on of “those guys”, but Twilight Princess may actually be on of the best games in almost ten years, only being beat out by Ocarina of Time. Seriously. This game is worth price of admission alone. Already have a Gamecube and can get the game for that? Fuck you. Buy the Wii anyways. You’re an asshole thinking the ‘Cube version is an acceptable substitution.

Honorable Mentions: Brain Age/Big Brain Academy, Dead Rising, Lost Planet, Metroid Prime Hunters, Clubhouse Games, Trauma Center: Second Opinion, Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence, Black, Star Fox Command, Final Fantasy III. There are plenty others that I'm probably forgetting, but you get the point.

--Double J