Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving 2006: Double J Spends Another Holiday in Physical Pain! For Your Amusement!

That's right! Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Dallas Cowboys, and hour long arguments with family about how you're not gay, it's another tradition! Every year now, Jones releases a new gift pack, and I'm the one stupid enough to not only waste money on the thing, but to actually drink the soda that comes in it! I know you envy me, I don't blame you. Let's get on with it shall we?

First up is the holy grail, Sang Real if you are cool like that. Pretty much, if you are getting shitty soda for the holidays, this is a guarantee for you. This is the soda other shitty sodas strive to be. They all work towards this one common goal, be the next Jones Turkey and Gravy flavored soda.

I've had this particular soda quite a few times in the past, you'd think after a while, I'd just give up, I mean, what's the point, I know what it tastes like right? I shouldn't be shocked about it anymore. Oh but are you wrong my friend....

It's just as bad now as it was 3 years ago, and I have a feeling things won't be changing anytime soon. Nothing can prepare you for warm, turkey flavored beverage. Does it taste like what it's advertised as? Yes. Is that a good thing? I guess if you're a jackass it is.

Next up is one that sounds pretty tempting, Dinner Roll soda. I mean, I like me a bread roll. It's part of a complete meal, without bread, it's nothing. Really, in essence this:

Is beer without the alcohol. Is it good you may ask? How does one shove a dinner roll into a liquid state and sell it to people? You smell it, it doesn't dinner like dinner roll, you taste it and well...

You get sucked into a state of utter confusion. I mean, it's not bad. I wouldn't say "HEY! WAITER! Give me one of them there ROLL flavored beverages please!". It's not bad, but don't let that fool you, saying that this soda wasn't bad in relation to the rest is like saying "well, I mean, I guess I'd rather get pissed on than shit on..."

Next up on Double J's 2006 Suicide march was Sweet Potato soda. Hmm. Sweet is right in the title:

How could it be all that bad? I mean, like I said, it says sweet right there. Plus it appears to have a label with A Christmas Story on it, that's not bad either. You take a sip....nothing....right away at least.... hits you. This isn't sweet potato at all, damnit! This is some sort of cruel prank, like those candies that look like innocent pieces of butterscotch wrapped in colorful plastic, but underneath that shiny wrapper is something foul and fish flavored. Fuck you Jones Soda Co. Fuck you for making me look like an asshole douchebag on the internet.

Next up is something that can be described as pure, unadulterated horror. Pea Soda:

I'm sure the guy who came up with this idea laughed his ass off for a good 45 minutes. First of all, it's called Pea Soda, which may or may not be on purpose. How could anyone bring themselves to drink a soda that reminds them of urine when they mention it? Seriously? Apparently I'm their target audience.


Went to this:

Then to this:

Jones actually crippled me for a good 45 seconds. I mean, seriously. What the fuck?!?! What are you guys trying to prove? You make delicious sodas like Bubble Gum, Green Apple, and the homo erotic FuFu Berry, and then you go ahead and do this? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you hate humanity? Seriously? I want an email from you guys this week. You're all assholes.

Well, in order to ease my stomach, I should chug a bottle of the pink stuff. I mean, that's what it's there for. I guess Jones tried to warn me ahead of time:

Sadly, this stuff didn't work, but it did taste kind of good...

Not vodka good, but better than most. Although it didn't ease my stomach one bit. I can still taste the pea...lingering in hidden pockets in my mouth bursting forth even on the occasional belch.....

I hope you are all proud of yourselves enjoying my agony....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Unless you are in Canada and already celebrated your day of thanks, in which case, go to hell.

Friday, November 17, 2006


This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen, you're gonna want to hear this. I've got a Wii controller condom. And it glows in the dark!

I've had this thing since 1:00 today, and I haven't put it down since. Sure, I don't have a Wii or a Wii remote, but IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. LIKE A GLOWSTICK. And it's made of rubber. RUBBER. Like condoms. Only it has a giant hole on the top so your baby making juice will spill out into your lady pal's vagina. But it's green! And it smells like a tropical island, full of thousands of naked Princess Zeldas. Just kidding. It actually smells like meth. Or burnt rubber.

Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil cause you're gonna want to write this down. Now, I can finally pretend to play the original Legend of Zelda on the virtual console with a Wii remote!

Fuck the Wii. I'm more than happy with this $9 controller glove. I know, I got ripped off. BUT IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. AND IT'S GREEN! LIKE A GLOWSTICK! AND DID I MENTION THAT IT COMES WITH A WRIST STRAP?! A GREEN ONE.

Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, cause it's a humdinger.

Guess what I found, of all places, in Sam's Club? For $44. Not $50 like everywhere else. $44 dollars.

Go on, guess.

Give up?


Nah, I'm yanking your chain.

RED STEEL. RED FUCKING STEEL. $44. Sure, I have nothing to play it on. But I can look at the case for hours on end, and wave my Wii controller condom around and pretend to slice some g's head off. Did I mention it GLOWS IN THE DARK?!

- alex

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Double J: Rantaholic Vol. 1

What happened? Seriously. What happened with the world? Why must everything be re visioned? I'm sick of it. Donkey Kong isn't a good guy. He fucking kidnapped a fat guys girlfriend. Bless her soul for settling down with an Italian plumber, but then some monkey comes in and tries to change all that? That's bullshit. But now DK is a hero. He's killing crocodiles and eating bananas. No. Stop it. Throw barrels and attempt to rape women, none of this bongo bullshit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will always be cool. Always. HOWEVER, the need for a new series was unnecessary. Everything that was needed to be said was said in the old show. Just rerun that. Instead, though, you decide to drag the once dead and loved franchise through the mud a little bit. Fuck that.

Transformers. Okay,I've got nothing against the countless TV shows. They are good for what they are. But Michael Bay, slow the fuck down. I don't know what it is exactly you are trying to do, or how you could even fuck up something as simple as robots that turn into things, but you're doing it pretty good. Please, just kill Megatron right now.

I'm glad they haven't tried to redo the Mario cartoons. I'm pretty sure, cartoon writers seem to think kids want a dark edgy, brooding, realistic world, it would be similar to the Super Mario live action movie as opposed to the light hearted videogame world. Wait a second....never mind, let's put that fucking show on the air tonight....

---Double J