Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Another Look Back: WCW vs. NWO World Tour Official Strategy Guide

Holy shit, yet another strategy guide review? This time with even more spelling errors? YES!

Back in the late 90's, pro wrestling underwent a surge in popularity, and this was reflected in various forms of merchandise. Unfortunately for fans of video games and wrestling itself, most wrestling games sucked during this era. Sure, we got Raw is War for the PS and N64 from Acclaim, but if you're holding that one up as an example of a passable wrestling game, your standards are amazingly low, which is why you only date women in wheelchairs, you sick fuck you.

Thankfully THQ and AKI decided to bring the Virtual Pro Wrestling series over to the states, slap a couple WCW logos on it, and make us forget the horror that was In Your House. The first game was WCW vs. the World for the PS. It was crude but functional, though good luck finding anyone that remembers it. In late 1997, the N64 got a shot in the form of WCW vs. NWO: World Tour, and the rest was history.

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Once again we're dealing with an OFFICIAL strategy guide. The Giant is conveying it's officialness with gritted teeth, and bags under his eyes that suggested he was in the middle stages of a drug problem. And as you can see, this guide is written by Brian Boyle. Remember that name for the remainder of your days.

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Before you actually play the game, Brian Boyle feels he should throw some wrestling terminology at you. I said some, and I meant a lot. Brian obviously views himself as a wrestling historian, so he felt the need to list a page and a half of actual wrestling terms, and some shit he just made up.

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Oh Brian Boyle, you're such a number 3.

3. A fucking asshole

Keep in mind, THIS GAME IS NOT A KAYFABE. So everything is like 100% legit. My cousin's friend from two towns over told me so. You've never heard of him, and he doesn't have a phone.

Once Brian feels he's wasted enough paper, we take a look at some of the wrestlers featured in the game.

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Oh boy, Ric Flair! With his charismatic interviews *21, his breathtaking entrances *22, and his glittering robes! *23

  • 21 The only speech in the game is in the intro, with the Giant screaming about being tired of Eggo waffles

  • 22 There are no entrances, just guys adjusting their balls in the corner

  • 23 The robe budget was spent on adding Glacier to the game

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It's the Hulkster! The Immortal Hulk Hogan! Complete with his patended finishing move, the Top Rope Stinky Leg Drop! I totally remember when he dropped the Stinky Top Rope Leg on Andre! Truely, Brian Boyle is a wrestling encyclopedia*24

  • 24 Suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

In addition to the WCW roster, there were other wrestlers in the game. Many of these were NJP wrestlers, with different names, and a little Brian Boyle fictional bio magic added.

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Rejected Brian Boyle Saladin bios:

  • What if he's like a child molestor AND a cobra?

  • Dusty Rhodes in sweat pants, covered in shoe polish

If you were willing to devote 6 weeks of your life to the game, you'd eventually reach the final boss, Joe Bruiser.

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So depite his BIG FUCKING RIGHT UPPERCUT TO THE CHIN OH MY GOD I'M COMING, Brian opted to include numerous pictures of Joe getting fucked up by a polygon Hot Topic customer.

After reading this guide, I decided to find out more about the man behind the player's guide, and emailed Prima to get in touch with Mr. Boyle. To my delight, I not only got a response, but an autographed photo from Brian himself:

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