Where's Waldo? Why should I care? Will Fox News proclaim me a hero if I find him? Who cares. We all know that Waldo is long dead. BOYCOTT ARUBA.
Anyhoo, it's no doubt that Where's Waldo is one of the greatest works in the history of literature. At least, it was to me. The only "books" I "read" in my youth were High Heel Magazine and Where's Waldo.
Sure, Waldo was a fucking wuss, and his girlfriend Wenda was probably his sister, but Waldo showed kids that not all books are fucking boring. Screw reading about that Huck fag. I'm gonna look for Waldo!
We watched the Where's Waldo cartoon on CBS every Saturday morning. We ate the Where's Waldo pasta. Waldo soon became a sell-out pop culture phenomenon. And like all sell-out pop culture phenomenons, Waldo got his very own NES game! Two, as a matter of fact! I'm only going to review the second one because you get to play a bonus level where a dog with glasses rides a carpet.
As I first boot up the game, I am graced with this spectacular title screen, which is blaring the Where's Waldo theme song from the cartoon series. Memories.
And so we begin. I'm supposed to be searching for rolling paper so Waldo and Wizard Whitebeard can smoke magical marijuana. Also, if you find Waldo's dog, Woof, you get to ride a flying carpet. I'm not making this stuff up.
SEE? SEE? I TOLD YOU.
So, I have to drag a magnifying glass cursor around the screen, and click on Waldo, that is, if I'm smart enough to find him. Sure, I’m a fetus that will be dumped into a trashcan by my teenage mother who was raped by her eleven year old brother, but give me some credit.
YAY I FELL SOOO SMRT CUZ I FOND WADO LOL
Okay, so I just began level two, and I already see Waldo is taking it in the ass from the dude with a shield. Does Waldo have no shame? Does this game require any skill at all?
YAY I DID IT AGAN I FOND WADO
HMM. I WONDER WHICH ONE IS WALDO?
I feel like I've accomplished so much!
YAY IT'S WOOF I GET TO RIDE THE FLYING CARPET
Seriously, man, this is like, tripping vaginas.
Uh-oh, Waldo's done gone missing again. Oh, there he is!
I FEEL SO BEAUTIFUL
And yes, after five long, excruciating minutes, I've finally reached the last level.
Gayest final level ever. And I mean that literally. I must admit, this one always managed to confuse the fuck out of me. Why must I find the Waldo wearing a sock? Why are there so many Waldo's? Is this a cuddle party? Why am I playing this pile of shit, and better yet, why am I wasting my time reviewing it?
Yes, that was the entire game.
These fuckers spent more time coming up with cute little nicknames for themselves than actually polishing this piece of shit. It's a nice game, for all eight minutes it lasts, but come the fuck on.
I give this game 5 out of 10 cans of Where's Waldo pasta. It was fun when I was five, but this just doesn't hold up at all now. There could have been so much more to this game.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play Barney's Hide and Seek.