Friday, March 30, 2007

Barney's Hide and Seek

Sponsored by Joesph Leiberman

Ah, Barney's Hide and Seek. A true cult classic that, as I'm sure you're well aware, slipped under the radar of many Sega Genesis owners back in the early '90s. How could you not love Barney the dinosaur? He's purple, he sings, he loves. And he's in a video game where you get to play hide and seek! What's hide and seek, you ask? Well, that's a game us old timers used to play back before you bastard kids had your fancy "virtual reality" machines like the R-Zone and the Virtual Boy.

I'm in a loving mood today, and I'm willing to give this game a fair shot. Who knows, it might actually be fun!

So, I boot up the game, and I see the familiar Sega logo, in time with Barney saying the word "booiiing". Somewhere, as we speak, Barney's getting one huge purple erection, ready to splash his white, creamery semen all over Baby Bop's face. No wonder she carries that blanket around with her all the time. Seriously though, purple nigger's hung.

Well, this is helpful. Hints for gown-opps! Barney is looking for 5 friends, and 5 presents in each level. Move Barney left and right? USE THE BUTTONS? God, this is too complicated.

As I move Barney to the right, he points out that there is a watering can. Oh boy! Barney talks too fucking much. If only my Zapper worked with my Genesis, I'd splatter Barney's face all over Baby Bop. Don't worry, she's used to taking a facial.


If you leave Barney alone, he'll start moving on his own. Why can't he find this shit himself? Barney seems to have a serious case of ADD. HERE'S A RACCOON OH BOY A BALLOON OH LOOK THERE'S A RABBIT OH BOY A SNAIL LOOK IT'S A TRASHCAN. No wonder everybody's kids are on Ritalin today. Yay a trashcan!

Um... yeah.

Hey! I found one whole item! I fail at life!

*blows out brains with an AR-15*

Anyways, my headless corpse gives this heaping pile of shit 2 out of 10 happy trashcans. One point goes for the enthralling, yet erotic rape scene between Barney and Baby Bop. The other point was given because Barney blows kisses whenever you push the C button. That's the most action I've had since I was weaned off the tit.

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