"Just watch us now... please?"
Oh, how I cherish my sweet, yet cloudy memories of the 1980s. Michael Jackson could be trusted in a McDonald's Playplace. Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. Huey Lewis and the News showed us the power of love. We lived to find out the secret word of the day. We fell in love with a spunky girl called Punky. We played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys, we slept on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets, we ate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pudding Pies, and were most likely conceived because our parents used Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles condoms.
These were the days that we could buy a licensed video game, and no matter how bad it was, our love was so blind for Robocop, Ghostbusters, or even the Noid, that we could play the biggest piece of shit, without any complaint. As long as I got to steer Kermit the Frog in an innertube, all was right with the world.
My very earliest memories are of me watching ALF. I was absolutely fascinated by the character. ALF was unlike anything I had ever seen before. He ate cats, he was fluffy, and that nose... just, wow. Oh, and those one liners... what a guy, that ALF was.
The bitch that babysat me in the late '80s had a Sega Master System. What the fuck is a Sega? We only had a Nintendo, and goddammit, it was good enough for me. But one game really caught my eye: ALF. That's right, this bitch had an ALF VIDEO GAME. I only remember snippets of the game; ALF jumping around in the kitchen, ALF running away from child molesters, and ALF getting run over by a kid on a motorcycle.
As the years went by, I had pretty much forgotten about the ALF game, but not ALF in general. I was heartbroken when NBC cancelled my beloved sitcom. Fast forward to 1996. ALF IS BACK WITH A NEW TV MOVIE ON ABC! And so my love affair with ALF began yet again. I pulled my talking ALF doll out of the closet, and watched my reruns of ALF on the old Betamax.
Of course, 1996 came and went. ALF was gone yet again, and I had since moved on. UNTIL NOW.
Note, that this is the first time, in seventeen years, that I have played this game. Back then, I really didn't know what the fuck you're supposed to do in this game. I still don't.
So, I gather that ALF has crashed his spaceship into the Tanners' garage. Why is there a Segway on the roo--
Whoa, ALFer, settle down. Well, it's nice to see this game represents ALF's totally rad '80s attitude. Cowabunga!
So, I guess I'm supposed to find gas for ALF's Segway. Wait, do Segways use gas?
LOOK, IT'S A CAT! AND ALF IS GOING TO EAT IT! Hey, I don't remember Lucky being orange. Why is there a strange man slowly creeping behind ALF?
Alright, I think ALF just ate the cat, but how the hell did a pedophile get in the house? Where are the Tanners? Oh, that's right. Willie is probably out driving drunk, and smoking crack out of Dr. Pepper cans with black guys, and Kate is probably in the shower with the Ochmoneks. Kinky bitch.
Okay, I think this is the living room, and I still have no idea what the hell is going on here. By now, I should mention the music. I believe this is the worst music I have ever heard in a video game.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
IT JUST PLAYS OVER AND FUCKING OVER. And behind all of the doo dooing, you can faintly hear what sounds like a bed bouncing against the wall. It's probably just Willie having sex with all of those rent boys he smokes crack with.
The graphics are pretty shitty, even for 8-bit, and this just might be the most frustrating thing I've ever attempted to play. Normally when I'm hipped up on NyQuil at 3am, I can blast through any game you throw at me... but goddamn. At this point, I'm ready to stab my eyes with a straw.
Well, ALF just got run over by a motorcycle. At this point, I don't really care anymore. I suppose ALF will never go on to do those 10-10-220 commercials with Terry Bradshaw.
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
Not that I actually played to the end, but here are the fuckers that will be rotting in hell over this pile of shit.
I give this game 10 out of 10 gourmet cats. Sure, the gameplay, graphics, and sound are fucking awful, but come on! IT'S ALF!
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