Thursday, August 02, 2007

Time wasters: Wrestlemania Instruction Booklet for the NES

Remember back in the glory days of the video gaming, where you'd get a new game, and you'd be so excited, that you'd sit in the backseat, and read the instruction manual determined you were going to master your new treasure? Most instruction booklets were fairly simple and straight forward, with a dash of tongue in cheek humor. And then you have this:

The most off the wall instruction booklet ever. Wrestlemania: Featuring HULK FUCKING HOGAN and some other assholes. I guess Acclaim figured that the Hulkster and his disdain for t-shirts was enough to sell the game. Oh well.

Now, I don't know what the hell happened to this booklet in the 19 years that I've had it, but apparently I wiped my ass with it at some point, or dipped it in au jus. Maybe both, and not necessarily in that order. But look kids, you can be anything you want to be, and surprise people with elbow sandwiches! "Hey Mike, I thought you might be hungry, so I picked you up an elbow sandwich at Arby's, also I think I'm going back to school, and get my degree."

Jesus Christ. I know this page was and is a standard in all instruction booklets, but it is really necessary to number them? I picture some dull witted kid with his finger wavering over the power button, while alternately glancing at the booklet, and back at the NES. Finally he's inserted his cartridge, but there's a moment of hesitation, what if I missed a step? Finally he soldiers on, and takes the plunge.

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HOLY FUCK! An "awesome picture" of Hulk Hogan, and his sole purpose in life is to get all up in your shit! Define awesome, and I'm pretty sure your answer won't be "roughly resembling sidewalk art."

Here's where the booklet writers got too fancy for their own good. Why did they italicize 'mistake'? That makes it sound sinister. "I think No Balls has been ratting to the cops, Numbers, I want you to take him hunting, and mistakehim for a quail, if you know what I mean." And "Rub"? Why not the more universal "del"? Thanks a pantload, my mom is gonna walk by my room hearing the sound of loud clacking and swearing, and what do I tell her when she knocks on the door? That I'm rubbing things out?

You may think you're ready for movin' around, but baby steps my friend, baby steps. Walking Mode and Running Mode. Hmmm. Shit, I'm going to sell motivational CD's based entirely on those two statements. " A lot of people are stuck in walking mode, and they never get anywhere in life because they keep pushing in between the arrows, pressing, not holding the arrows, and never daring to hold the A button that is their dreams." Or maybe I'm reading too much into a piss stained video game booklet. You decide!

Holy God. One thing you should know about this game, is that it had some of the most cumbersome controls ever, and this illustrates that. Look at that shit, it's like I'm reading the periodic tables of elements. But hey, atleast now you know the atomic number for a giant fucking foot. Oh and guess what? Unlike most wrestling games where the same pinning controls pretty much apply to everyone, this game makes you look that shit up. B + UP over Down?

What the fuck, fractions? Am I supposed to add B to Up, and multiply that by down, or see how many Up Downnths will divide into B?

Wow I loved Golden X, Death Adder was a pain in the ass to beat on arcade though. Acclaim clearly didn't want to say it was a cross, eventhough that's clearly what Hogan's symbol is. Too bad Christ wasn't crucified on a pair of giant shades, and then we wouldn't have this problem.

Mercifully we near the end, but not without this little nugget of joy. Apparently Ted Dibiase's sole mission in life, was to pay people to do disgusting things. I have this mental image of Dibiase sitting on his bed in a dimly lit Motel 6 watching a female midget eat creamed corn out of a quadriplegic's asshole. I wonder how he gets away with tha...$$$$

So remember kids, pressing in between the keys never got anyone anywhere, right Bam Bam?

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