A Look Back: NBA JAM TE Players's Guide

Back in the early 90's at the peak of the console wars, it seemed as if a new game came out every week for the SNES or Genesis. In some cases such as Mortal Kombat, and it's respective sequels, games had multi-console launches. Seeking to reap even more cash during the gaming boom, companies began releasing players guide's for certain games.

Let's be clear though, there were "Unauthorized " guide, and "Official" guides. What's the difference you ask? Unauthorized simply meant that an independent company released a player's guide without clearing it with the game's maker, and couldn't use the logos on the cover. So if you had any plans to play the bad boy card, and impress Susan Bigtits next door with your unauthorized guide, she'd headbutt you into a coma with her face, and laugh at you.

Today we take a look an official guide, to NBA JAM TE, or Tournament Edition if you're a pretensious asshole.

You may think that NBA Jam is just a game where you mash three button, but you're so totally wrong dude. The official player's guide laughs at how fucking wrong you are, with your perceived grasp on NBA Jam TE.See? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out a player with a lower dunk rating will have less spectacular dunks. What an asshole you are for thinking differently. The official player's guide thinks so little of your pre-conceived notions on dunking, it decided to make a superfluous rocket scientist reference to remind you where your bread was buttered.

We're skipping several pages here, because I felt like it.

Next up is the player bios, which were interesting. The official player's guide is alternately full of praise, and scorn for some players. Like your alcoholic father that told you you'd never amount to shit, until 30 years later on his deathbed, he tells you how proud he was when you used to beat up handicapped kids in high school.

Horace Grant was clearly the favorite of the player's guide. Aside from a snide remark about his three point shooting, the guide feels you should be more like Horace Grant, and will compare your lackluster life to his at every Thanksgiving.

Next up is Charles Oakley. Oak is clearly inferior to Horace, but the player's guide keeps going back to Oak, despite his violent temper, and tendency to pie face people.

Finally, we end things with Terry Mills. The player's guide secretly resents Terry for having to drop out of high school to raise him, so every Christmas the guide likes to show the picture of Terry getting his shot blocked, while being punched in the sack.

If there's anything you take from this, remember that you'll never be as good as Horace, you fucking disgrace you.