Physical evidence of my dorkiness caught on film! Apologies in advance for the darkness of the video in some spots.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Games That Changed The World Vol. 5
AHHH!Hello again. Remember last time, I was talking about games that made you angrier than that time God caught Jesus masturbating or the time you read that and got angry at the concept of Jesus playing with himself? Well, this is the opposite. This is about a game that made you want to tie up and keep whoever the hell was playing it you at the time so they could never leave and you could finally beat that snow level? I mention that because while Contra was fun by your self, you aren't going to fucking beat it. You get 3 lives and it's one hit kills. Sure, I'd be hung, drawn, and quartered if I didn't mention the Konami code (which appeared in Gradius first, not this game) and it's ability to pretty much let you walk through the game, but that's not a challenge. That's not any different then watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a basketball game. The outcome is pretty much written, it's just a matter of how you get there.
No. Single player isn't the selling point. The multiplayer is where it's at. Except back in those days, nobody used a stupid term like multiplayer. What are you, a fucking a English teacher? Firefox hates that word. I really should add it to the dictionary, but that's besides the point. No no. We called that shit 2 Player. "Wanna play 2 player Contra?" The answer would always be yes. And if it was no, they immediately stopped being your friend. And you were always Player 1. Why? It's your god damn system that's why. And if it wasn't your system, you couldn't say shit about it. You were the blue guy or you didn't play. Then you played. It was what the kids today call "co-op" gameplay. You worked together, and if you were lucky, you got to put 11 million bullets (and by bullets, I mean red circles, flames, or lasers) into a giant alien heart.
That's right, the final act took place inside of an alien apparently. Although, this was before it was normal to tell people what the hell was going on outside of a blurb in the manual, and maybe an opening cutscene. One minute you're shooting what appears to be dudes, next thing you know, aliens. I guess that makes sense. I mean...well. Whatever. You also could try and beat the other guys score, but by this point in gaming, getting points was pretty much pointless now. Also, the game had a cheat where you could steal a life from your partner. Which as you would imagine, lead to fist fights and hair pulling.
Oh, and the fucking Spread Gun. Really, forget everything I said about the game. Buy it, and everyone of it's sequels (Including Contra 4 for the DS, since you get a brand new Contra, and the 2 original NES games) right now.
No. Single player isn't the selling point. The multiplayer is where it's at. Except back in those days, nobody used a stupid term like multiplayer. What are you, a fucking a English teacher? Firefox hates that word. I really should add it to the dictionary, but that's besides the point. No no. We called that shit 2 Player. "Wanna play 2 player Contra?" The answer would always be yes. And if it was no, they immediately stopped being your friend. And you were always Player 1. Why? It's your god damn system that's why. And if it wasn't your system, you couldn't say shit about it. You were the blue guy or you didn't play. Then you played. It was what the kids today call "co-op" gameplay. You worked together, and if you were lucky, you got to put 11 million bullets (and by bullets, I mean red circles, flames, or lasers) into a giant alien heart.
That's right, the final act took place inside of an alien apparently. Although, this was before it was normal to tell people what the hell was going on outside of a blurb in the manual, and maybe an opening cutscene. One minute you're shooting what appears to be dudes, next thing you know, aliens. I guess that makes sense. I mean...well. Whatever. You also could try and beat the other guys score, but by this point in gaming, getting points was pretty much pointless now. Also, the game had a cheat where you could steal a life from your partner. Which as you would imagine, lead to fist fights and hair pulling.
Oh, and the fucking Spread Gun. Really, forget everything I said about the game. Buy it, and everyone of it's sequels (Including Contra 4 for the DS, since you get a brand new Contra, and the 2 original NES games) right now.
Games That Changed The World Vol. 4
I NEED THIS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!Hey, kid. Games are expensive. And we're talking expensive in 1989 dollars. Games are about 60 bucks new these days, which compared to the 70 dollars people paid for Super Mario RPG or even Superman 64, it was really hard to convince people in 1989 to buy more than a couple of games in one sitting for a holiday. But when you did, you better hope you placed your bet on black (you ALWAYS bet on black) and won, because if it sucked, you were fucked for at least another few months and hope maybe you can convince the Easter Bunny to hide a copy of River City Ransom in one of those plastic pastel eggs of his.
Take X-Men for example!
Uhh...
Take X-Men for example!
Uhh...
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Games That Changed The World Vol. 2
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PAST THIS THING?!Legend of Zelda is magical. Legend of Zelda took the idea being a child, exploring, and going on adventures in your own backyard and made it a fantasy game. One part childhood innocence and one part Dungeons and Dragons, and no part hints, you are thrust into a world you know nothing about.
Of course, the first thing to grab any child's attention is shiny things. And Nintendo clearly knew this. There is NO reason for a game cartridge to be painted shiny gold. Flat primer paint instead of gray is one thing. But not only do you color it a shiny gold, but you cut a little square out of the packaging itself so you can clearly see what lies within. It's really diabolical if you think about really.
You're dumped off into the middle of nowhere. Basically, you see four paths and a cave entrance. Being adventurous, they know full well you'll enter that cave first. And so help you god, you had better. In there is some dude and he gives you a sword. For what reason he decides to give a child a sword isn't really explained, but there he is. Captain Runwithscissors gives you a sword. And now you're off! Uh...to where really is your choosing. Unless you have a guide handy, you just keep walking until you find something to go into. Sometimes, you'll jump the gun and go into a dungeon you are TOTALLY not prepared for yet. It's an adventure. You want to beat this dungeon? You better have a god damn ladder, raft, flute, and boomerang in those tiny little spandex stockings you have on.
The Zelda games in recent years have sort of traveled away from the childhood innocence and whimsy that made it popular in the first place. Ocarina of Time played that card for the most part, but the game turned dark. And when they brought back the whimsy and adventure in Wind Waker, everyone complained about it. Then we got Twilight Princess, which no one can argue is a great game, but it feels more like a Zelda clone than a full fledged Zelda game. That's not necessarily bad, but it's just not the same. Here's to hoping whatever comes next doesn't consist of hours of traveling by train or boat, and takes itself a little less serious. When all is said and done, the Legend of Zelda for the NES (and whatever subsequent rereleases we've seen of it) is a game that ushered in a different way of thinking in games. It wasn't the first of it's kind, but it was by and large the best example of what games are capable of, and would be capable in the coming decades.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Games That Changed The World Vol. 1
And by "Changed The World" I mean MY world, because that's the only world that matters really. Your world sucks and you know it.
Mario? Check. Duck Hunt? Check. Free? FREE!
Mario? Check. Duck Hunt? Check. Free? FREE!
These days, a good deal in gaming is if you spend 60 dollars and the developers don't violate your private regions then steal your wallet and run away screaming. Mostly, when you get multipacks of games, you're getting compilations of games that they've long since either given up on or have long since made their money back on. Sure, there's some good deals out there, The Orange Box had one full length game, 2 episodic games, a fantastic and short spin-off title, and a an online only FPS game. It was a phenomenal deal. But for the most part, the pack in games that you get with a console are either tech demos (albeit fun ones) like Wii Sports, or just various game pack ins designed to keep costs up or a vain attempt at boosting sales. It's all good, but Nintendo seems to be one of those companies that when they put their mind to it, they do it right and they do it well.
Case in point. The Wii. A low end piece of hardware. Motion control wands is a good idea, but the hardware of the console itself lacks anything to get anybody excited about. Nintendo basically had to rely on their name and development studios to get them out of a console gutter. They've nailed down the handheld market. Even with serious competition like the PSP, Nintendo still maintained the tried and true fact that Nintendo is king in portable gaming. They need not worry about Japan. They know they'll buy the Wii. Here though. We're living in the Madden generation. The hottest properties are sports titles and FPS games. Not exactly Japans strong suits. Japan got Wii Play packed into their set. We ALL know about Wii Play. CLEARLY, considering it's one of the most bought games this generation. We however, got Wii Sports. A simple looking game, with simple design. Some of the games on the disc are almost broken to an extent. Boxing really has no rhyme or reason to it, and baseball is just, well. I don't know what it is, but it's barely baseball. And tennis plays more like a game of ping pong. Bowling and Golf pretty much made everybody on the planet want to own a Wii.
Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt eventually came packaged with the NES. Originally, it wasn't packaged with the muti cart. It wasn't until a couple years later that it came with Super Mario/Duck Hunt. It was probably one of the slickest pack ins ever. When you look back on it, it's funny. Mario seemed like a massive game, 8 long, peril filled worlds with secrets and awesome music and branching paths and all sorts of good stuff. But being able to fit it onto one cart with it and an equally awesome game, Duck Hunt, you realize how tiny most of these games really were.
On that cart, Duck Hunt was probably my most played. Mario created gamers, but Duck Hunt built onto Mario's foundation. Three games there on the game. 1 duck, 2 ducks, or skeet shooting. Of course it was easy as hell to cheat the system. Hold the Zapper up to a light bulb, or right up to the screen. It didn't matter though how easy it was to cheat. There weren't any unlockables or achievements. All you wanted to do is get as far as you could so you could brag. And the less you saw that dog the better. I could make a joke about shooting the dog or something, but I think we're all getting FAIRLY tired that running gag. Mario Bros./Duck Hunt is a game that needs no more discussion about. It's THE first game. Not in terms of videogames themselves, but as a product that bred a new breed of culture. Games went from being living room niceties, to being living room essentials.
Case in point. The Wii. A low end piece of hardware. Motion control wands is a good idea, but the hardware of the console itself lacks anything to get anybody excited about. Nintendo basically had to rely on their name and development studios to get them out of a console gutter. They've nailed down the handheld market. Even with serious competition like the PSP, Nintendo still maintained the tried and true fact that Nintendo is king in portable gaming. They need not worry about Japan. They know they'll buy the Wii. Here though. We're living in the Madden generation. The hottest properties are sports titles and FPS games. Not exactly Japans strong suits. Japan got Wii Play packed into their set. We ALL know about Wii Play. CLEARLY, considering it's one of the most bought games this generation. We however, got Wii Sports. A simple looking game, with simple design. Some of the games on the disc are almost broken to an extent. Boxing really has no rhyme or reason to it, and baseball is just, well. I don't know what it is, but it's barely baseball. And tennis plays more like a game of ping pong. Bowling and Golf pretty much made everybody on the planet want to own a Wii.
Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt eventually came packaged with the NES. Originally, it wasn't packaged with the muti cart. It wasn't until a couple years later that it came with Super Mario/Duck Hunt. It was probably one of the slickest pack ins ever. When you look back on it, it's funny. Mario seemed like a massive game, 8 long, peril filled worlds with secrets and awesome music and branching paths and all sorts of good stuff. But being able to fit it onto one cart with it and an equally awesome game, Duck Hunt, you realize how tiny most of these games really were.
On that cart, Duck Hunt was probably my most played. Mario created gamers, but Duck Hunt built onto Mario's foundation. Three games there on the game. 1 duck, 2 ducks, or skeet shooting. Of course it was easy as hell to cheat the system. Hold the Zapper up to a light bulb, or right up to the screen. It didn't matter though how easy it was to cheat. There weren't any unlockables or achievements. All you wanted to do is get as far as you could so you could brag. And the less you saw that dog the better. I could make a joke about shooting the dog or something, but I think we're all getting FAIRLY tired that running gag. Mario Bros./Duck Hunt is a game that needs no more discussion about. It's THE first game. Not in terms of videogames themselves, but as a product that bred a new breed of culture. Games went from being living room niceties, to being living room essentials.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Not Dead....
Trust me. I'm just lazy. I actually have three mostly done things ready to go. I'm just sort of compulsive when it comes to proofreading and getting that last paragraph JUST right. Something will be up in a few days.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Happy Punch-Out!! Release Week!
In honor of Nintendo's first Punch-Out game in ages, I figured it'd be fun to show you how "awesome" Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! can REALLY be given the right equipment. So be cautious, when you enter the Den Of Perils and Pringles, and watch this wonderful (read: shitty) video.
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