Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Heavy Rain: A Journal Part I

SPOILERS! SERIOUSLY! This is LITERALLY my play through of Heavy Rain as I progressed through it. I kept a little tiny journal thing. It tracks my thoughts as I progress through it. It's not just spoilers. It's the fucking game. Don't read it if you want to be surprised or give a shit about that kind of stuff.

Awesome. Starting off with a guy in his midways. At least sleep under the blankets!

I personally have enough common courtesy not to stand on the patio in my underpants.

That birds up to some shit, I know.

Awesome. A shower scene. I wonder how many creative ways they will craft to keep his junk out of frame.

I'm feeling uneasy. I know know what this game is about. One of these kids is going to die.


Great. A mall. Might as well take the kids to Pedophile Land.

This kid is a horrible actor and should not be allowed to use the English language.

Trying to find this kid is seriously tense. Fuck you not-my-kid red balloon kid.


Well shit. That's not what I expected to happen.

And now I'm divorced. Awesome.

This is a depressingly accurate bachelor simulator.

SHIT. I didn't really mean to tell him he couldn't have his teddy bear. Stupid QTE.

Beatin' up hooker Johns. All in the days work for an asthmatic private eye.

Jayden's voice actor is irritating.


I'm playing Miles Edgeworth now.

Psych profile now? Is this Silent Hill?

Now I'm in the park. This game has no idea what the fuck it wants to do.

OF COURSE. Black out at the park. GOD DAMNIT. My wife hates me enough as it is. Now I'm gonna be the cause of TWO kids deaths.

Alright. I want those glasses, Jayden.

Now I REALLY want these Space Glasses.

I don't like this character. At least not right now.

What's that shit he's taking SUPPOSED to be? Windex?

SHIT. Why didn't I remember what clothes my kid was wearing?!?!

A convenience store hold up? I actually played this part already at PAX.

Oh sure. I saved your ass now I get your shoebox of broken dreams.

And now the fanservice for the guys.

Now it's turned into a thriller movie. Complete with stereotypical burglar sneaking around the house.

OH SHIT! They got me. I thought for sure I fucked up and got her killed.

FUCK YOU PAPARAZZI! I'm stealthy like a fucking ninja!

What's with this dream state thing? Don't tell me it's turning into one of those fucking games.

It IS hilarious knocking people down though.

Ah yes. The train station locker. A Hollywood staple for over 50 years.

What the hell kind of phone is that? It's like it uses N64 memory cards.

Sideshow time! I hope he shows everyone his trip to Vegas.

That is a lot of fucking crosses.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this dude isn't the killer since I pretty much just started the game. Unless it's the ultimate swerve.

And I shot him. I'm sorry. I panicked. I didn't know what was going on. I'm CERTAIN they weren't going to kill these two crucial characters off so early in.

What the fuck is this now? A trailer park?

Oh great. A crying baby and no mother. I think we know what the fuck this means.

Not today lady. You have to survive so I can give you the "World's Worst Mother Award"

And now I'm changing a diaper. What the fuck is up with this games priorities.

AND feeding, burping, and rocking the baby to sleep. Awesome.

You know. He really seems to be gathering a lot of clues and proceeding to do JACK SHIT with them. Come on Scott.

FUCK YES. That was what I was talking about. That car chase thing was fucking awesome.

And then they make you play the game upside down. Which is every bit as disorienting as it sounds. Up is down. Left is right. TOTAL CHAOS!

Also. That is one of the most ADVANCED GPS units ever. You can customize it to say whatever the hell you want? Or is the Origami Killer just a complete and total genius?