CAN ELECTRONIC GAMING SURVIVE THE BIG SHAKE-OUT?

Alex's Top 75 N64 Games

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It's 64-bit! No, really!


75. Earthworm Jim 3D
74. Glover
73. Buck Bumble
72. The New Tetris
71. NHL Blades of Steel
70. BattleTanx
69. Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
68. Mega Man 64
67. Bomberman Hero
66. Micro Machines 64 Turbo
65. ClayFighter 63 1/3
64. South Park 64
63. Road Rash 64
62. Tetrisphere
61. Bomberman 64: The Second Attack
60. Quest 64
59. NFL Quarterback Club '98
58. Rayman 2: The Great Escape
57. Ridge Racer 64
56. Cruis'n Exotica
55. Star Wars: Episode I Racer
54. ECW Hardcore Revolution
53. Snowboard Kids 2
52. Killer Instinct Gold
51. Space Station Silicon Valley
50. Tetris 64
49. Rocket: Robot on Wheels
48. Robotron 64
47. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest
46. WWF WrestleMania 2000
45. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
44. Body Harvest
43. Chameleon Twist
42. Cruis'n World
41. Harvest Moon 64
40. Blast Corps
39. Banjo-Tooie
38. Bomberman 64
37. Doom 64
36. Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
35. Mario Party 3
34. WCW/nWo Revenge
33. Castlevania 64
32. Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey '98
31. Excitebike 64
30. Donkey Kong 64
29. Mario Party 2
28. Cruis'n USA
27. Mario Golf
26. Snowboard Kids
25. Dr. Mario 64
24. Jet Force Gemini
23. Pokémon Puzzle League
22. Beetle Adventure Racing
21. WWF No Mercy
20. Yoshi's Story
19. Mario Party
18. 1080° Snowboarding
17. Wave Race 64
16. F-Zero X
15. Mario Tennis
14. Conker's Bad Fur Day
13. Banjo-Kazooie
12. Star Wars: Rogue Squadron
11. Perfect Dark


10. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The time limit probably hurt this game more than it helped it, but it was still a solid installment of the Zelda franchise.


9. Goldeneye 007

So many perfectly good afternoons of my youth were wasted no thanks to this game.


8. PilotWings 64

In a word, mind-blowing. It hasn't held up as good as the SNES version, but still amazing in its day. If we don't get a Wii sequel, I'm raping something.


7. Star Fox 64

What fucking gender is Slippy supposed to be? Dykiest frog ever. The rumble pak took away my youth far too soon.


6. Diddy Kong Racing

I played the hell out of this. I had already played Mario Kart 64 to death in six months' time, and Diddy Kong Racing felt like a much more complete and nonlinear game. The hovercrafts and planes were an extremely welcome innovation in the kart-racing genre.


5. Super Smash Bros.

I remember when this came out of absolutely fucking nowhere. I would have never expected to see a fighting game (on the N64, of all consoles) tear me away from my Soul Caliburs and Marvel vs. Capcoms of the Dreamcast.


4. Paper Mario

While it wasn't exactly what we wanted (a direct sequel to Mario RPG), it was an amazingly unique and quirky experience, and a nice change of pace from all of the cliched Final Fantasies. Paper Mario still holds up incredibly well today.


3. Mario Kart 64

Although I've enjoyed many Goldeneye multiplayer games, I've probably played even more multiplayer Mario Kart 64 races. I remember spending pretty much all of summer '98 playing Battle Mode with my friends.


2. Super Mario 64

What hasn't been said about this classic? Well, if it wasn't for Mario 64, we wouldn't have had to play crap like Gex. Good going, Nintendo.


1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

You just don't know how hard it was for me to choose between Ocarina and Mario 64. My decision of which is best may be ever-changing. Perhaps they are equal. But Ocarina of Time, just as any other Zelda title, has a distinct, mysterious feeling that I just can't place.


Coming soon: my top SNES, NES, and, for the first time ever, my top Genesis games. If I'm not killed by NyQuil before then.

- alex

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"I'm Still Alive! Honest!"



A little weekly column I plan on doing. This is a Six part series featuring my 10 Ten favorite games from each console generation. The breakdown is such:


7th (Next Gen) Generation: 360, PS3, Wii

6th: Gamecube, PS2, Xbox, Dreamcast

5th: PSX, N64, Saturn, Jaguar, 3DO

4th: SNES, Genesis, Neo Geo, Turbo-Graphx 16

3rd (AKA Post Crash): NES, Master System, Atari 7800

2nd: Atari VCS (2600), Intellivision, Colecovision, various others

1st: Odyssey, Pong, Telstar


That's the breakdown. I shall be working my way back through the generations. Obviously omitting the 7th since only one console from the generation exists. Also, this is for consoles. Handhelds don't count. But expect a Handhelds Special soon. So without Further ado:


Double J's Top Ten Games of the Sixth Generation!!!


10. Shenmue (DC) "Do you know where I can find any sailors?"


A risk was taken with this game. For such an early example of sixth generation graphics, it looks amazing. It follows the story of a young man in the '80s in Japan wanting the avenge the death of his father. Which translates into: Do boring stuff around town to make money to get be able to travel to the second game while digging for clues. Tedious at times, but a game experience like no other. Collect toys, pet kittens, drink cola, play arcade games, drive a forklift, get in giant 100 man fights in empty warehouses? This guy is fucking living the life!

9. Tales of Symphonia (Gamecube) "LLOYD IRVING!!"



Stupid main character names aside, this is one of my favorite RPGs of the generation. I enjoyed it more than either of the Final Fantasy games released (thus far, XII isn't exactly looking promising...). Light hearted most of the time, but dead serious when it needs to be. Cheesy and entertaining voice acting. Beautiful graphics. It's a nice little 2 disc experience. It contains a fairly standard RPG story, which a whimsical twist. It's nice. If you haven't played it yet, I could think of a FAR worse way to spend 20 bucks on a game.

8. Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube) "YAHOO!"


Okay. This may not exactly have been the Super Mario 128 game we were hoping for, but that's okay. It takes a DRASTIC turn from the standard "Jump on shit and kill it" routine of Mario. Instead, you get FLUDD, a water pack that can give you the ability to fly if you need it....
...okay, that is rather stupid, but it's fun. Damn fun. You have to clean up all of the graffiti that Mario is being blamed for. At one point, as Mario, you get sick of the bullshit your are being put through and RIP THE TENTACLES OFF OF A GIANT BLOOPER! Plus you get to rid a Yoshi in a 3D world, how fucking awesome is that?

7. Okami (PS2) "*w00f*"


This is the closest that Sony will EVER get to a Zelda game. As the main character, your digital avatar for this experience is part god, part wolf, part......painter?! With a unique twist on the Action RPG game, Okami executes the greatest game in the genre since Legend of Zelda: OoT. I mean, at some points they even seem to be ripping the game off totally. You have a little tiny wandering artist stuck riding around on you that glows blue, unless he sees something of importance in which case he jumps off of you, changes color and beckons you over to it. Sound familiar? Yeah, I knew it did. Being able to cut bad guys in half with the stroke of a paint brush is way more satisfying than shooting a guy. Seriously.

6. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Gamecube) "*Random childish yell*"



Remember when I said Okami executes the greatest game in the genre is OoT. I meant AFTER Wind Waker. Cell shading is cool. Punch your friend and never talk to him again if he says other wise. Sailing, however, not so cool. But still better than driving a Tank from point A to point B. It's Zelda. It does everything you expect from a Zelda game. Except it has Tingle. If you like Tingle, you're gay. Plain and simple. But it does have a talking boat. Talking boats are cool. MGS Stealth Action (TM)? Irritating as FUCK.

5. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox) "*STAR WARS FANFARE*"

Star Wars Theme [X]
RPG [X]
Good story [X]
Darth Vader [_]
Well, 3 outta 4 ain't bad. I'm not much for non-Movie related Star Wars stuff, but BioWare did an AWESOME fucking job on KotOR. Plus, being able to let me decide how much of a prick I am in a game and actually have it affect the outcome is totally awesome, ESPECIALLY when it means joining the Dark Side.

4. Super Smash Bros. Melee (Gamecube) "VS METAL ZELDA!"


The only thing that could have made this game any better was online and Sonic the Hedgehog. This is better than any WWE, Mortal Kombat, or post SFII game ever made. It looks good. It plays good. It's the best party game on the 'Cube. You get some people together to gang up on Pikachu, and that's a good night. Mr. Game and Watch owns your soul. Yeah, you know it.

3. Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube/PS2) "Looks like the president equiped his daughter with ballistics"


It's. So. Beautiful. Resident Evil is one of my all time favorite franchises. It's creepy, it's fun, and it's violent. Zombies are horrible creatures, so you don't feel bad about killing them. Well. Zombies in their traditional sense are gone. It doesn't matter though, Leon is back! Okay. Maybe Leon isn't that cool. And he did turn down pussy at the end of the game....oops, spoilers. Sorry. But it's been several months now people, there is a statute of limitations on these things. NEWS FLASH: Sorry Mr. Heston, but it was EARTH ALL ALONG!
They changed the camera, which is great. I LOVED the old camera, it left me in suspense, but this one is fucking awesome. And it just looks fucking awesome. It is the single best looking game out there in this generation. Period. Get the 'Cube version if you can. The PS2 version has some extra stuff, but it's full of shortcomings of it's own.

2. Katamari Damacy (PS2) "NA-Na, nanananana na, na na na nana naaaa"


If you don't hum the Katamari Damacy theme song randomly after playing this, you aren't human. Simple enough. Roll shit up into your giant sticky ball and send them into space as stars. Nevermind that some of the things you are collecting are human beings, animals, buildings and......rainbows......I'd explain the story, but seriously, it wold be a waste of time. You wouldn't REALLY get it, and that's sad.


1. Metal Gear Solid 3 Subsistence/Guitar Hero (PS2) "TIME PARADOX"


Metal Gear Solid 3 is perhaps on of THE MOST solid story telling games I have ever played. Everything has a place, everything is important, and it plays really well. I prefer this kind of "Rambo" stealth than the sneaking kind. Subsist ace includes that game, plus a whole slew of other features. Online play is can be really fun. Unless you get the weirdo who runs around in a box the whole game. That asshole ruins everything.

Guitar Hero. I mean seriously, what the fuck? Why is this game so cool? It's gimmicky. It came out of NOWHERE and took the world by storm. I mean, it has fucking Blue Oyster Cult! How could you not like pretending to be a rockstar for 5 minutes to well made covers of some of rock and rolls greatest hits. This games difficulty will keep you coming back. It ranges from "Easy as Hell" to "WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN MEEE!?!?!"

Honorable Mentions: Burnout Revenge was the most perfect racing game this side of Gran Turismo 4. Gran Turismo 4 is one of my favorite franchises, but it IS just more of the same. Max Payne is one my my most favorite action games of this generation. Kingdom Hearts was amazing. The forgotten .hack saga is a great series. Fable is an amazing experience. Resident Evil 0 and REmake are fantastic examples of how to remake a game right. DK Jungle Beat the the BEST platformer you never played. GTA Vice City has one of the best atmospheres I've seen in a game. Metal Gear Solid 2 is fantastic but forgettable.

Thanksgiving 2006: Double J Spends Another Holiday in Physical Pain! For Your Amusement!

That's right! Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Dallas Cowboys, and hour long arguments with family about how you're not gay, it's another tradition! Every year now, Jones releases a new gift pack, and I'm the one stupid enough to not only waste money on the thing, but to actually drink the soda that comes in it! I know you envy me, I don't blame you. Let's get on with it shall we?



First up is the holy grail, Sang Real if you are cool like that. Pretty much, if you are getting shitty soda for the holidays, this is a guarantee for you. This is the soda other shitty sodas strive to be. They all work towards this one common goal, be the next Jones Turkey and Gravy flavored soda.



I've had this particular soda quite a few times in the past, you'd think after a while, I'd just give up, I mean, what's the point, I know what it tastes like right? I shouldn't be shocked about it anymore. Oh but are you wrong my friend....



It's just as bad now as it was 3 years ago, and I have a feeling things won't be changing anytime soon. Nothing can prepare you for warm, turkey flavored beverage. Does it taste like what it's advertised as? Yes. Is that a good thing? I guess if you're a jackass it is.



Next up is one that sounds pretty tempting, Dinner Roll soda. I mean, I like me a bread roll. It's part of a complete meal, without bread, it's nothing. Really, in essence this:



Is beer without the alcohol. Is it good you may ask? How does one shove a dinner roll into a liquid state and sell it to people? You smell it, it doesn't dinner like dinner roll, you taste it and well...



You get sucked into a state of utter confusion. I mean, it's not bad. I wouldn't say "HEY! WAITER! Give me one of them there ROLL flavored beverages please!". It's not bad, but don't let that fool you, saying that this soda wasn't bad in relation to the rest is like saying "well, I mean, I guess I'd rather get pissed on than shit on..."


Next up on Double J's 2006 Suicide march was Sweet Potato soda. Hmm. Sweet is right in the title:



How could it be all that bad? I mean, like I said, it says sweet right there. Plus it appears to have a label with A Christmas Story on it, that's not bad either. You take a sip....nothing....right away at least....




Then...well...it hits you. This isn't sweet potato at all, damnit! This is some sort of cruel prank, like those candies that look like innocent pieces of butterscotch wrapped in colorful plastic, but underneath that shiny wrapper is something foul and fish flavored. Fuck you Jones Soda Co. Fuck you for making me look like an asshole douchebag on the internet.


Next up is something that can be described as pure, unadulterated horror. Pea Soda:



I'm sure the guy who came up with this idea laughed his ass off for a good 45 minutes. First of all, it's called Pea Soda, which may or may not be on purpose. How could anyone bring themselves to drink a soda that reminds them of urine when they mention it? Seriously? Apparently I'm their target audience.


This:




Went to this:





Then to this:




Jones actually crippled me for a good 45 seconds. I mean, seriously. What the fuck?!?! What are you guys trying to prove? You make delicious sodas like Bubble Gum, Green Apple, and the homo erotic FuFu Berry, and then you go ahead and do this? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you hate humanity? Seriously? I want an email from you guys this week. You're all assholes.




Well, in order to ease my stomach, I should chug a bottle of the pink stuff. I mean, that's what it's there for. I guess Jones tried to warn me ahead of time:





Sadly, this stuff didn't work, but it did taste kind of good...






Not vodka good, but better than most. Although it didn't ease my stomach one bit. I can still taste the pea...lingering in hidden pockets in my mouth bursting forth even on the occasional belch.....



I hope you are all proud of yourselves enjoying my agony....



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Unless you are in Canada and already celebrated your day of thanks, in which case, go to hell.

IT GLOWS IN THE DARK

This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen, you're gonna want to hear this. I've got a Wii controller condom. And it glows in the dark!

I've had this thing since 1:00 today, and I haven't put it down since. Sure, I don't have a Wii or a Wii remote, but IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. LIKE A GLOWSTICK. And it's made of rubber. RUBBER. Like condoms. Only it has a giant hole on the top so your baby making juice will spill out into your lady pal's vagina. But it's green! And it smells like a tropical island, full of thousands of naked Princess Zeldas. Just kidding. It actually smells like meth. Or burnt rubber.

Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil cause you're gonna want to write this down. Now, I can finally pretend to play the original Legend of Zelda on the virtual console with a Wii remote!

Fuck the Wii. I'm more than happy with this $9 controller glove. I know, I got ripped off. BUT IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. AND IT'S GREEN! LIKE A GLOWSTICK! AND DID I MENTION THAT IT COMES WITH A WRIST STRAP?! A GREEN ONE.

Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, cause it's a humdinger.

Guess what I found, of all places, in Sam's Club? For $44. Not $50 like everywhere else. $44 dollars.

Go on, guess.



Give up?




THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS!!








Nah, I'm yanking your chain.


RED STEEL. RED FUCKING STEEL. $44. Sure, I have nothing to play it on. But I can look at the case for hours on end, and wave my Wii controller condom around and pretend to slice some g's head off. Did I mention it GLOWS IN THE DARK?!

- alex

XZEROX Reviews Treasure Island Dizzy

Double J: Rantaholic Vol. 1

What happened? Seriously. What happened with the world? Why must everything be re visioned? I'm sick of it. Donkey Kong isn't a good guy. He fucking kidnapped a fat guys girlfriend. Bless her soul for settling down with an Italian plumber, but then some monkey comes in and tries to change all that? That's bullshit. But now DK is a hero. He's killing crocodiles and eating bananas. No. Stop it. Throw barrels and attempt to rape women, none of this bongo bullshit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will always be cool. Always. HOWEVER, the need for a new series was unnecessary. Everything that was needed to be said was said in the old show. Just rerun that. Instead, though, you decide to drag the once dead and loved franchise through the mud a little bit. Fuck that.


Transformers. Okay,I've got nothing against the countless TV shows. They are good for what they are. But Michael Bay, slow the fuck down. I don't know what it is exactly you are trying to do, or how you could even fuck up something as simple as robots that turn into things, but you're doing it pretty good. Please, just kill Megatron right now.

I'm glad they haven't tried to redo the Mario cartoons. I'm pretty sure, cartoon writers seem to think kids want a dark edgy, brooding, realistic world, it would be similar to the Super Mario live action movie as opposed to the light hearted videogame world. Wait a second....never mind, let's put that fucking show on the air tonight....


---Double J

Alex's Top 50 GameCube Games

Sponsored by:

Indrema



"Coming Holiday 2000"


Do you hear that? It's the sound of yet another console generation passing us by. And what a beautiful one it was. Cel-shaded Zelda, first-person Metroid, Hot Coffee, and stupid bongo drums. With Xbox Live, we could finally experience the joys of Chuck E. Cheese in our very own home.

Fuck it, I miss the '80s.

For the past few weeks, I've been looking back on the GameCube and its rather small library. Sure, GameCube owners got the short end of the stick this gen, but would you really rather play 900 random first-person shooters and GTA knockoffs over Pikmin? The answer is, according to sales and statistics, yes. But anyway, I decided to rank my top 100 GameCube games... then it hit me. I don't have 100 favorite GameCube games. I hardly own 30 GameCube games. So we'll have to settle for 50.

I didn't include direct ports, unless it was an enhanced version of a game from this or a previous generation.

50. Starfox Adventures
49. Sonic Heroes
48. Space Raiders
47. Chibi-Robo
46. 1080° Avalanche
45. Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour
44. Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix
43. Bomberman Generation
42. Odama
41. Geist
40. Mario Superstar Baseball
39. Luigi's Mansion
38. Wario World
37. The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures
36. Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life
35. Battalion Wars
34. Ikaruga
33. Wave Race: Blue Storm
32. Star Wars Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike
31. Resident Evil Remake
30. Pac-Man Vs.
29. Baten Kaitos
28. Skies of Arcadia Legends
27. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
26. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
25. Super Monkey Ball 2
24. Mario Power Tennis
23. Super Mario Strikers
22. Killer 7
21. Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles
20. Pikmin 2
19. Starfox: Assault
18. Viewtiful Joe 2
17. Soul Calibur II
16. Star Wars Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader
15. F-Zero GX
14. Mario Kart: Double Dash
13. Animal Crossing
12. Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
11. Super Monkey Ball
10. Pikmin
9. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem
8. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
7. Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
6. Viewtiful Joe
5. Super Mario Sunshine
4. Metroid Prime
3. Resident Evil 4
2. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
1. Super Smash Bros. Melee

RIP GAMECUBE



2001-2006

P.S. I'm still mad at you, Nintendo, for not releasing the spice GameCube over here in North America. I shall get my revenge by buying a Wii on launch day, along with additional colors and special editions afterwards. Take that!

The Wii Countdown begins. In less than a month, the console hits stores, so what does Target do? They taunt me. Without mercy they taunt me with several random Wii related products, some of which are useless until November 19th, like controller skins. Other stuff, like giftcards, cases, CD wallets, and what appears to be backpacks are also on shelves. Of course I'm far too weak to pass up on an opportunity to purchase something with the Nintendo seal of approval on it, so here is what I got:



Holy crap. Wii pins and Dog tags. Is $24.99 too much for a novelty? Not at all when you're as obsessed with stuff like this as I am, which I think has been proven by the following picture:



---Double J

Welcome To Video Armageddon!

Welcome, I'm one half of the official Video Armageddon crew, Double J. If you've found this page before Oct. 31st, you're awesome. If you are reading this AFTER Oct. 31st, welcome. This is the official outlet for any and all Video Armageddon features. Reviews, articles, rants and ramblings, this is where it goes. This site was created as an outlet for myself and Alex. Also, we like videogames, and wanted our own forums, so score there too. We also wanted to get into E3, but now, that plan is fucking blown to bits. Oh well.

---Double J