This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen, you're gonna want to hear this. I've got a Wii controller condom. And it glows in the dark!
I've had this thing since 1:00 today, and I haven't put it down since. Sure, I don't have a Wii or a Wii remote, but IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. LIKE A GLOWSTICK. And it's made of rubber. RUBBER. Like condoms. Only it has a giant hole on the top so your baby making juice will spill out into your lady pal's vagina. But it's green! And it smells like a tropical island, full of thousands of naked Princess Zeldas. Just kidding. It actually smells like meth. Or burnt rubber.
Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil cause you're gonna want to write this down. Now, I can finally pretend to play the original Legend of Zelda on the virtual console with a Wii remote!
Fuck the Wii. I'm more than happy with this $9 controller glove. I know, I got ripped off. BUT IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. AND IT'S GREEN! LIKE A GLOWSTICK! AND DID I MENTION THAT IT COMES WITH A WRIST STRAP?! A GREEN ONE.
Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, cause it's a humdinger.
Guess what I found, of all places, in Sam's Club? For $44. Not $50 like everywhere else. $44 dollars.
Go on, guess.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS!!
Nah, I'm yanking your chain.
RED STEEL. RED FUCKING STEEL. $44. Sure, I have nothing to play it on. But I can look at the case for hours on end, and wave my Wii controller condom around and pretend to slice some g's head off. Did I mention it GLOWS IN THE DARK?!