Happy Punch-Out!! Release Week!

In honor of Nintendo's first Punch-Out game in ages, I figured it'd be fun to show you how "awesome" Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! can REALLY be given the right equipment. So be cautious, when you enter the Den Of Perils and Pringles, and watch this wonderful (read: shitty) video.

In Which I Choose The Best Games Of 2008

It's over. The year of 2008 has released a monstrous amount of great titles. And shit too, but the good outweighs the bad in most cases. Here are my picks for the best games released in 2008.

11.) The World Ends With You

While this should be a top 10 list, I'd feel remissed not to mention at least one handheld game, so the official number 11 spot on my Top 10 list belongs to The World Ends With You. A fantastic and creative spin on the JRPG genre. It's almost as if it reinvented the whole genre with one tiny little game on a portable system. If you like RPGS, and own a DS, you must own this title. Now.

10. No More Heroes

While the Wii has been without some notable titles for a while now, we can't ignore that most of the games worth playing were really frontloaded. Released way back in January, No More Heroes was a new Wii exclusive action game created by the insane mind of Suda51. Right now, I'm going to explain his nick name. His first name is Suda. His last name is Goichi. "Go" in Japan means 5, "ichi" means 1. Thusly, he gets a puntastic nickname. No More Heroes is a vile, gory, hilarious send up of action. You're main character uses a lightsaber like blade and when the battery starts to fade you have to shake it in a suggestive manner. It's a violent game with a heart of gold. A must own Wii exclusive title.

9. Boom Blox

Another must own title that came out earlier in the year for the Wii as well. Think of it as Reverse Jenga. Blocks are stacked up high, you must destroy them. In some cases, you actually have to play normal Jenga too. It sounds simple enough, but it's a freaking blast to play, and keeps staying interesting. The Wii motion controls add a whole new element and actually work to it's benefit as opposed to hurting it like a lot of other games out there. It's hard to explain the game without playing it. Really, if you own a Wii, there is no excuse for not owning this game.

8. Burnout Paradise

Burnout has always been a great franchise. I'd go out as far as to say that Burnout 3 is one of the top 10 games of both Xbox and PS2s life cycle. It was a phenomenal game that still stands up today. The games following didn't hold up quite as well, and Burnout Dominator, being the only non Criterion developed title, is the only one you could really say wasn't a great game anyways. HOWEVER, the reason Criterion didn't work on Dominator for the PS2 was because they had moved on to greener pastures. They were working on a whole new game for the new cutting edge consoles. Burnout Paradise left behind the menu system, and instead adopted the open world mentality of todays gaming and it works great. The only downside is that there is no restart option. But that's about to change. They have updated the game numerous times, at one point they made it so you can actually have the time change and add motorcycles. And now, there are even more free updates down the line, and we're even getting a restart option. In terms of racing, this year belongs to Burnout. Hands down.

7. Audiosurf

Here's a little ditty of a title you may not know exists. Audiosurf is an independently developed game that was launched early this year. I purchased through Steam for just 10 dollars. The game is like a combination of F-Zero and puzzler KLAX. You take your song, yes YOUR song, as in anything without DRM on your hard drive, it maps the song, turns it into an audio visualizer you can drive on and you take your little ship and collect different colored pieces, "hot" and "cold" colors, for the best score possible by getting them in groups of three or more. Each ship has it's own special ability, and the game even tracks your high scores via a world wide leader board by song. It even includes the Orange Box soundtrack, so you can play along to Still Alive whenever you feel like it. For 10 dollars, I recommend you buy two copies, it's THAT good.

6. Left 4 Dead

Everything I've read is a lie. The Zombie Survival Guide seemed like it would have prepared me for the zombie apocalypse. What the book didn't prepare me for, however, was the other side of the infestation. Me and three other movie stereotypes are destined to fight an ongoing string of the undead that move at incredible speed, and have varying super powers. They're either 800 pounds and spit on you, some have giant tongues that attempt to lynch you with it, are terrified of flashlights and will rip your face off if you scare them, can climb walls and pounce you like a cougar in heat, or are built like a fire truck. This book has wound up being useless. Instead, all I need is three competent friends and a lot of bullets. L4D is the best multiplayer game this year. You feel like you've accomplished something if you manage to survive your final onslaught. The story is nothing, but it doesn't matter, all that does matter is that you don't get two functionally retarded people that don't quite grasp the concept of teamwork, leaving you and a buddy alone to fight a Tank all by yourself on a helipad.

5. Prince of Persia

A lot can be said about the Prince series. It's a decades(as in two....) old franchise that started out as a marvel, with it's brilliant rotoscoping to make it look like, by 1989 standards, that you were controlling a living, breathing, human being. His movements were fluid and realistic. It felt like he had weight to him and everything. Whether time has been gracious to the Price or not is up to you. Us as legitimate gamers all recognize that, even with flaws, Sands of Time was one of the best little games to come out during it's time frame. Now here we are in a new hardware generation. What do they do? They decide, why the hell give it a realistic look like Assassin's Creed? Sands of Time was their best work and it almost had a Disney quality to it. As the franchise god more brooding with it's sequels, interest waned. So they went with a more beautiful cell shaded quality to it's art. The results are breathtaking. While in terms of visuals, it may be one of the best games to look at. The details in the back ground, to the character models are all great. Some animations are better then others. It's nice to have the option to not even bother with the dialog if you don't even care. A lot can be said about the difficulty. You can't die in the traditional sense. Your partner, Elika, acts as a sort of checkpoint system. If you fall, using magic, she'll save you and bring you back to the last flat ground you were standing on. Sometimes it's not bad, other times it will make you throw a hissy fit if you fall. And you will fall. Calling this game easy because you can't doesn't make this game easy. You will "die." You WILL fall to certain doom, and you will start sequences over. There isn't even a trophy or achievement for "not dying," instead, it's an achievement dying less than ONE HUNDRED TIMES. Also, the combat system is great I feel. It's one-on-one situations. Boss fights are all about stringing together the best combo you can using the best possible option to your disposal. Sometimes the enemy will be resistant to throws, so you have not choice but to attack him with your sword, break his resistance to throws and start your combo from there. At the end of the day. Say what you will about the difficulty and the ending, the game is a god damn blast to play.

4. Far Cry 2

A shocking entry from me. An entry that I didn't think I would even care about. I'm tired of your typical FPS title. This, however, is not your typical FPS title. Remember those complaints I had about GTA IVs sandbox in my biggest disappointments? Probably not, since I'm posting this after that on that same day, and you'll probably read this first. It doesn't matter. What does matter though is that I feel that the in a game like GTA IV, while it's an open world, when it comes to the GAME part of it, it feels like it's holding your hand all the way through. You really don't have much deviation, and in most cases, if you stray from the path it's almost a guaranteed fail. Far Cry 2 is in no way, shape, or form that kind of game. Oh, that's right. Far Cry 2 is an open world FPS. You're stranded in a nondescript, stylized Central Africa. You have malaria, so you have to pop your pills every literal half hour or so in real time or else they'll find you face down in the dry grass being raped by a boar. You basically take on the roll of a mercenary. You're initial intention, and overall objective is to take down a black market arms dealer, The Jackal. That's basically it story wise. You aren't given much hints. You progress through doing your typical go here and do that kind of missions. You can actually take on two missions at once, and it's up to you who's side you're going to align yourself with. Even if the missions themselves are lame, it's the law of the land that makes it exciting. There are guard outposts everywhere, very few cars, and lots and lots of grass. You can charge a outpost guns blazing and clean house, but it's sure to cause you some damage, and at least one health syringe. The best option is to sneak through the back door, crouched with your machete, and ambush. You actually feel as though your almost cheating the game at times. Although the game will also try and cheat you. If you don't buy your weapons, and just take them from the lifeless corpses you're leaving behind, you're in for some issues. They aren't well maintained, and chances are, in the heat of a fire fight, they're going to jam up on you. Oh? That rocket launcher? That rocket was bad. The rocket fell out of the tube, and is spinning wildly on the dry grass, igniting it then blowing up. Fire spreads too. At an alarming and realistic rate. If you get caught ins some dry grass, you're gonna get burned out. It'll also set off ammunition boxes. If you're wounded and are in the danger zone of your health, when you hit the heal button, you are treated to a delightfully gruesome animation of you fishing the bullet out with a pair of pliers or something to the liking of that. And there's a buddy system. If you maintain friendships, when you go down for the count, they'll come to your aid. But that one time. After that, you need to meet up with them again to ready them at a save house. Also, if they get injured, you have to help them. Because if you don't. They die. And not like "He died, but was nursed back to health, to meet him again, go to the bar" kind of die. I mean, you will never see that dude again. Sometimes.....you won't be able to help. So you will have no choice but to take your pistol to his head to put him out of his misery. God damn this game is good. I'm gonna stop typing and go play it right now....

3. Fallout 3

I can't lie to you people. I'm not very far at all into Fallout 3. That doesn't mean it's not awesome. The presentation. The visuals. The RPG elements, the VATS system. Everything about this game is so painstakingly designed, you can't help but appreciate the level of awesomeness this game presents. I can't say much else in terms of what to say about this game. Unlike Far Cry 2, everyone knows this game is awesome. There is nothing else I can say that could possibly sway your opinion on it.

2. LittleBigPlanet

You know what made Super Mario Bros. a fun game? It obviously wasn't the intricate story line. The hours of painstaking attention to detail. It was fun because it was. Plain and simple. The character designs were quirky, and the levels were lovingly designed to be tests. They were designed to beat you. That's what makes LittleBigPlanet my second favorite game of the year. LittleBigPlanet takes a stupid premise of "this is planet where everyones imaginations run wild" and that's why it exists, because as humans, we dream at night, and turns it into a romping great time. There is a story mode, but you don't give two shits. You only play through that to unlock design stuff. The meat and potatoes of LBP is the level creator. You can create basically whatever the hell you want. The developers have given you all of their level design tools. The levels they made, can be made with the tool set presented in game. You don't have to make shit if you don't want to though. You can mooch off of the hard work of others. All you do is go to the community section on the main menu, and choose any god damn level you want. There are generic platformers. Mario clones. Sonic clones. Racing games. Roller coasters. Star Wars. Sword fights. At one point a real working R-Type. Pinball. Pachinko. Puzzle games. Tetris. There is even a god damn real working calculator that will make you question what the hell YOU'RE doing with YOU'RE time if this guy can figure out how to get a calculator up and running with some switches, pieces of wood, and twine.

1. Metal Gear Solid 4

It's fucking Metal Gear Solid. In fact. The fourth one. The last one. The story actually wraps up. I've never had a problem following the story. Although apparently a lot of people do. This game wraps it up. Granted, the cutscenes are 45 minutes, but it wraps it up. And in terms of gameplay, this is the best Metal Gear has ever felt. Everything is fluid and great. Sneaking is as essential as ever, and much more than just "hide in this conveniently placed shadow!" It's great to see old faces, wrap up loose ends, and has one of the most satisfying endings in history with the games "epilogue." Plus, Act 4 is probably one of the most epic and amazing stages ever designed.



HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Mega Man IX, the game that reminded us that we suck.
Call of Duty World at War, the game that reminded me that war sucks. Especially in the 40s.
Bionic Commando Rearmed, the game that reminded why I hated this game as a kid
Mirrors Edge, proof of concept
Smackdown '09, the little wrestling game that made me believe again
Dead Space, proof that horror games can actually be scary AND good AND American
Saints Row 2, proof that being a criminal doesn't have to be full of moral decisions.
Smash Bros. Brawl, proof that Nintendo CAN make something good if they actually try.
Battlefield Bad Company, proof that you don't have to be Call of Duty
Space Invaders Extreme, proof that retro can still be awesome if you don't fuck with it.
Quantum of Solace, proof that movies games don't have to be masterpieces
Braid, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Tales of Vesperia, proof that we don't need Square.
Professor Layton, proof that I'm an idiot.

The 5 Biggest Disappointments In Gaming 2008!

The year is coming to a close. Most of the huge marquee titles are readily available, with only a few left out examples. But I'd say at this very moment in time, as of writing, just a short rock toss to Christmas, we can judge the industry. While I take my time to set up and post my year end Best of '08 and my other big project, I can take some time and talk about the 5 biggest disappointments of 2008, seen through my very own eyes. Your opinion may vary. It would be wrong, but still, it may vary.

5.) Grand Theft Auto IV

Originally, it was going to be Too Human. But I realized some better, since at least Too Human feels like it's own game. GTA IV, while visually a leap forward is nothing more than GTAIII: The Sequel. While living comfortably on the PS2 and XBox, GTA evolved. III went from a top down goof off fest, to a 3D living, virtual city where you can commit the most heinous crimes possible. Vice City took the idea, and expanded it, giving it something that more closely resembled a real storyline, set it in the 80s, made it homage all the classic gangster movies, gave it an awesome soundtrack and gave us new play mechanics. San Andreas was, in essence, the pinnacle franchise. It's the biggest city, that spans a large variety of different locales, included almost RPG elements for you character, and had a story that closer resembled a movie than either of the others. GTA IV takes away planes, takes away the RPG elements, and brings in the gritty realism. Play with the "current affairs" idea, we get a foreigner, running away from his past and doing his best to adapt. Now, my opinion is clearly not the popular opinion. GTA IV is one of highest rated games of the year, but it's story doesn't engage me, the city doesn't entertain me, and it just feels like I've done this all before, being a criminal with a conscience performing the same lame boring task over and over again. While they change things up on occasion, it just feels like I'm always tailing some guy (BUT DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!), I'm racing some guy, I'm chasing some guy, and I'm entering a building and killing some guy. And while the game is sandbox "do what you want," I fell like during the story itself, they hold your hand leading you around. I've had more fun playing the goofier, more over the top Saints Row 2, since I'm an amoral prick that does the same stupid missions as GTA, but with some more interesting twists, like insurance fraud, wide scale pandemonium, eradicating unwanted guests in places I want to use as hideouts and having to gain street cred if I want to progress the story. GTA IV is far from a terrible game, don't get me wrong, but I just don't find it as engaging as it could be. I would have liked to have liked this game more than I did, but I'm just tired of the mission structure.

4.) Sony Updates PSN. Still Sucks.

PSN is not XBox Live. Nor will it ever be. While the system isn't broken, it might as well be. First of all, PSN store used to be browser based. Which I think we can all agree on is retarded. Luckily, with some new features introduced a short while ago, we got a software based PSN Store, so now you don't have to sit through a painful load while you're trying to buy Super Rub-A-Dub or something. The store itself is lacking pretty much any pop to its servers, considering there isn't a whole hell of a lot to pick up, and the original titles, while some being totally awesome, are now where near on par with what you can buy on XBLA. Having friends on PSN is like having a friend via Ham Radio. Yeah, they're there, and you can get in contact with them sometimes, but what's the fucking point? Luckily, now we actually have cards and things to look at so we know when they were last online and what game they're currently playing if the game supports it. "If The Game Supports It" is a phrase you're going to hear a lot. We can now listen to our own music from our hard drive during a game......if the game supports it. We can access the XMB (Xross Media Bar, because "X"s are EXTREEEEEME!) through most games so getting a message isn't completely useless now. Screen grabs are possible now, not that you would know, since nobody supports them. And of course, the PS3s answer to Achievement Points over in 360-topia. TROPHIES! You can earn trophies from all of your "favorite" games, if they support them, and collect and share them with your friends! The cool thing about trophies is that it's like an RPG, your player card actually levels up the more trophies you get. It'd be awesome if games actually supported trophies. Fuck, even MGS4, the PS3 marquee title, doesn't support trophies. PSN exists. It's there. And it ain't anything to write home about. Plus, for whatever reason, I get booted out a lot more than I do XBL. Which is to say I actually get booted off whereas I never do on Live.

3.)Might As Well Be God Damn Homeless

While PSN may be disappointing, it still has limitless potential. Trophies will be linked to your PSN name and can be displayed in HOME, a virtual world where you can meet, converse, and play around with friends and strangers using a 3D virtual avatar! You can meet up with friends, meet, get them into a 3D rendered room for Warhawk and then launch RIGHT into the game! Well, this would all be true if Home were an actual existing piece of public software. Instead, we're given blanket promises and vague company lines that ensure us that it's totally amazing. I can confirm that this is a Home that deserves to have it's Christmas lights left on over night on a dry, dead tree. Home went live via a public beta a mere weeks before Christmas, thusly crashing PSN for the most part. And when people were allowed in, they realized that basically the only fun thing to do at all is chase girls around and harass them, and trying to convince them to enter your Summer home. The only good to come out of Home is "Quincying". If you're curious as to what that is, go to Joystiq.com and search for it.

2.) Mario Kart Wii

Mario Kart is a Nintendo work horse franchise. Since it's franchise inception on the SNES, we expect and demand awesome and fun over the top wacky arcade racing with our friends, with only a couple of minor slips along the way. Well, then you might ask, what is so wrong with Mario Kart Wii that you go so far as to claim it to be one of the most disappointing moments of 2008? It's simple really. Nintendo's new company line is ruining their franchises. Simple, dumb fun enough to keep things going, and I agree with that, but when you LITERALLY make it dumb, we have problems. Anyone can win any race. It's a ridiculously unbalanced that decided the weapons didn't play a big enough role before. So here we are, getting bombarded with blue shells out the ass, the rubber band AI is utterly relentless, and the multiplay is basically destroyed. Everyone is a winner with Nintendo, which is why we are team based now. And those balloons that used to signify your health? Don't worry about those anymore, they're useless. Why are they still there....well.....it's really unknown. The only saving grace is the WiFi play, but even that isn't pointless, since Nintendo insists that having friend codes is the future of gaming.

1.) The Nintendo Wii Sucks.

Should you take that line seriously? Probably not. Don't get me wrong. I really like the Wii. It's a great fun system with some nice features that really go above and beyond what we're used to Nintendo giving us. Which is REALLY a sad statement when you begin to realize how little we've been given this generation as gamers that have stuck by Nintendo through the shit they've made us endure through. 2008 has been a mess. A simple look at their release schedule reveals that. The biggest holiday titles for Nintendo on their console are Wii Music, an interactive tale of what it would be like if you were that idiot savant pianist, and Animal Crossing DS...I mean City Folk. Because it's totally not the same as the DS game. I mean, they have a city you can go to now, it's totally different. Look at all the amazing stuff shown off at E3 too! Uh....a sequel to Wii Sports which lets you fix the Wii controller to what we thought it actually was with Wii Motion Plus. And of course Wii Music. Wii Music is reason enough to hate Nintendo. Their non-game that lets you wildly flail about to make music with little or no regard to the fact that the basic aspect of a game is to accomplish a task. And wiggling a controller so it looks like your playing Jazz sax to Twinkle Twinkle is not a task. At least god damn Mario Paint let you fill in a picture of a dinosaur and MAKE the music too.

People of Earth. Merry Christmas

We used to do a million Transformers toy reviews here it seems. Well, here's another. A little Christmas present that makes me giddy as a little school girl. So, I present to thee, a very magical Transformers holiday present. This thing:





It's the 25th Anniversary Optimus Prime action figure. It is basically a re-release of the original Op Prime toy, with some extra bells and whistles. In package, it looks fantastic.




Of course, you get the typical back of the card reading. Information of who Optimus Prime is. His stats are through the roof, as would be suspected, and his adorable little picture of him in his Autobot glory.


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This get up is packed. It has a little flap flips up to display his wonderful trailer in full glory, and shows off the Issue 1 comic reprinting included. The set also comes with a DVD that has wallpapers and stuffs, and is the entire "More Than Meets The Eye" story arc from the original series. Also, it comes with a shield, that has a belt clip that also doubles as a stand. You push the button, which is basically the forehead of the thing, and it rattles off some phrases or the transforming sound effect.




There is everything in their full glory. It's pretty much exactly as advertised. It's a wonderful replication of the original Prime, at a "fraction" of the cost of buying on used. It's a terrific display piece, and I'm proud to welcome another Prime into the family.


In the end,I give it:


Out of a possible 5.

The price of the piece is too much to keep it at a perfect 5.

Thanksgiving 2008 Jones Soda-Thon

Stop laughing. I can hear the laughing.

Max Payne: The Move: The Review

Movies based on video games are clearly a sore spot for someone like myself. By and large, gaming movies are ass. Movies ABOUT gaming usually turn out fine enough. Wargames, The Wizard, The Last Starfighter, King of Kong, and Tron. It's all good. But when you actually take a game and try to spin your Hollywood "magic", something gets lost in translation. Usually it has something to do with those in charge being lifeless husks of men creating something that vaguely resembles the source product enough as to get our sorry asses into the seats. Things never got better. Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat were bad, but considering the time and the general acceptance of games as a medium, it wasn't shocking. But now, games are a valid sub-genre in the realm of entertainment running neck-and-neck even with some of the biggest blockbusters. So what do we get? We get Doom, Resident Evil, Hitman, Dead or Alive and Uwe Boll making a mockery out of pretty much anything he can get his grubby little mitts on.


Now, that's not to say I don't enjoy movies like Super Mario, Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter, but it's the same way some might enjoy something like Snakes on a Plane or Faces of Death. Super Mario is rife with inside jokes concerning the series and Street Fighter just sort of depresses you knowing that Raul Julia's last movie was him playing M. Bison.


Well, that brings us to today. With games being generally cinematic these days and relying heavily on a story, it's no surprise now more than ever, companies want these creations adapted to the screen so they can make billions off of a property they didn't create. With Prince of Persia underway (which features Jake Gyllenhaal as the title character of all people), and games like Bioshock and Halo always being spoken in the "when the hell are these coming out?" breath. For some reason. I mean, it's not exactly like we've had a success yet. I guess the law of averages suggests that at some point one has to be great.

That brings us to the movie based on one of my most beloved franchises from the last generation. Max Payne. Max Payne was far from a "GREAT!" game. It's gameplay was pretty weak, but with a great gimmick. Bullet Time slowed the action down so you could John Woo through a door and blast bad guys away while dodging their bullets. The visuals were nice, and the cinematics were wonderful. That's the one place where it REALLY stood out, the way the cinematic package was presented. It was a film noir story. A revenge story. A vigilante cop story. The cutscenes were like comic panels telling the story. Max had a lot of great one liners and internal monologues all being delivered in a droll boring affect. It was a fairly typical revenge story, with obvious story twists, but it's the way the entire package was delivered in the end that made it movie worthy of a big screen adaption in the first place. It had a lot of flair, regardless of some of it's inadequacies in terms of the actual gameplay at times. Especially during the drug induced hallucination levels where you're forced to follow a very narrow trail of blood in a manner that can only be described as ";lkasjdfihiwebfrsbfvljsf!"

The movie, which stars, in all reality and excellently cast actor, Mark Wahlberg, pretty much takes the very basic storyline of the game in the terms of Max's wife and baby are killed, he tracks the junkies around, finds out the mystery, gets revenge and follows it fairly well. There are some pretty nice plot details they left out. The the entire mob substory being basically left out entirely. And if you haven't played the games, they really make you work to fill in some plot holes. In the game, Lupino is a psychotic satanist junkie that spouts off dark readings while sacrificing another person. In the movie, he's just a nut job, and kills a guy in cold blood for no explanation. A gamer would sort of piece that in his head with the game, the rest, well, to them he's just another junkie. Also, the story wraps up in a familiar but totally different way. And there is no internal dialog save for the beginning.

In general, the movies actually quite decent. But it's still not the Spider-Man 2 or The Dark Knight to the gaming world like those were to the comics world. That movie may never come, or it may come in the next couple of years. All I know is, is that this one movie is pretty much the best example of a gaming movie there is. That lines going to be either pitiful to some, or excellent to others. By the end of the day, Max Payne does a lot of things right with the source material, but the pulled punches of PG-13 forced it to take and some of the liberties with some story elements have kept it from being great.

VidArm is Proud To Present A New Format!

Released to the Press, July 15th, 2008


SEATTLE,WA-As you are all well aware, this week marks E3, this countries largest expo for the gaming industry to show of their newest creations to the world and lay out what to expect in the next year in terms of the industry. Among some of the largest announcements include Microsoft giving the Xbox are massive dashboard update altering the look entirely and integrating a Nintendo Mii like Avatar system and changing the menus to look similar a console that should only have one button on the controller. On Sony's Side, they showed off more Resistance 2, LittleBigPlanet, and Home. All of which have been seen previously before, many times over. Also announced was a brand new video service that would allow you to rent, buy, watch, and transfer to the PSP, various movies, similar to what the Xbox has been doing for all this time now. And to round things out, Nintendo showed of their various wares. Which includes such stand out titles as the Animal Crossing game everyone new that was being developed, a microphone that should have shipped with the console, a game that's called Wii Sports only so they could actually sell it to the public, and of course, their Pièce de résistance, Wii Music that's been seen since the dawn of Wii, only now you get fifty instruments to play in the air that don't actually appear to work quite right and has no real discernible gameplay value other than to swing around to simulate music. So with this, Video Armageddon would like to introduce to you the newest direction of the blog. We are going to become an independent reviewer of woodworking tools.




--John J. Holder

BREAKING: SEGA RE-ENTERS HARDWARE MARKET

* Plug & play on TV
* 20 built-in 16-bit SEGA licensed games
* Supports RedKid cartridge
* Plays original Mega Drive & Genesis games
* TV out connection
* TV format: NTSC
* Official product, containing games authorized by SEGA

The Sega Mega Drive Twin Pad Player from Sega's official China distributor AtGames brings back all the memories of Sega's 16bit era. This official product does not only feature twenty hot built-in Mega Drive games, but also plays all original Sega Mega Drive (Japanese) and Sega Genesis (US) games. Further included in the package are two six-button joypads, AV cable and instructions sheet.

List of built-in games:

Alien Storm
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Altered Beast
Arrow Flash
Columns III
Crack Down
Decap Attack
Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine
Ecco
Ecco Jr.
ESWAT: City Under Siege
Flicky
Gain Ground
Golden Axe
Jewel Master
Kid Chameleon
Shadow Dancer
Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball

Stay tuned to Video Armageddon for further developments.

Double J Presents: A Study in Hyperbole: GTA IV Reviews

Photo: Gamerankings.com

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been around for years. It's over a decade by this point. I have been somewhat of a franchise fan since it's start. GTA on the PC/PSX were fun little games for their time, as were it's expansion of sequel. Outlandish, funny, and juvenile, the games let you live out your wild fantasies as a thug and criminal. Stealing cars, killing innocents, cops, and gangsters, the game were far from the usual item of the day on the menu. It's biggest downfall the reason the franchise wasn't a success was because of it's fairly sad graphics and it's overall gameplay was pretty much a lame duck. The series seemed to fall under the category of ahead of it's time, destined to be nothing more than a cult classic from an era dominated by fairly massive adventures like MGS, the Final Fantasy titles, Legend of Zelda and others. Something important happened to the franchise though. The PS2 is the best thing to happen to the gaming world in years. It's massive install base and "ahead of it's time" hardware, the PS2 opened many closed doors to developers. GTA was able to go 3D finally. Gone was the craptacular top down view....well, not gone, it was still there, but not the default view. Jesus Christ....I'm really getting off track here. This was supposed to be a look into the reviews for GTA IV, not a history of sandbox open world gaming. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. Alright. GTA IV was released. That's the point. Well...not the point per se. The real point is about the REVIEWS of GTA IV. There is no denying it. GTA IV is awesome. And an awesome game should get great reviews. But the real question is: Does it deserve THE BEST reviews, or is it a hype machine that so powerful backed up by a brilliant marketing strategy of nothingness? From here on out, I'm going to include some samples of reviews and comment on them. A lot of publications and sites try to hide by saying things like "a perfect score doesn't mean it's perfect" which would be acceptable if this were a 5 point scale, but on a 10 point scale with fractals and a letter grading scale, that's where we get into issues. Fuck you EGM. An A+ means perfect. You can't get a 100% percent with a wrong answer or two, and GTA has it's wrong answers. You even talk about them in your god damn reviews. This isn't so much an attack on the reviewers themselves, as it is at the concept of reviews in general and the apparent need to quantify something with a number or grade, thusly negating having to read anything at all. So, without any further ado, here is where things start getting dirty...

Okay I lied. Not yet. I'm not going after GTAIV. Really I'm going after the constant need we have to quantify everything. Whether it be from movies, music, games and even food, we have to grade it. It's an asinine system we've been accustomed to. People spend hours writing reviews and you just skip right to the end and make your decision from there. A game could get a fairly low score, but could still get talked about glowingly but still share some issues. But you don't know that because it got a six and that's all you read. And there is something else. If you can ramble on about a game for 6 pages and then be able to sum up the ENTIRE review in a single paragraph in a "closing comments" section, you review is useless and void. It's bullshit.

A "10" is not a score we give out very often. In fact, the last time we gave a 10 to a console game was Soul Calibur in 1999. A 10 doesn't mean a game is perfect -- it means a game is pushing boundaries, expanding a genre, and doing many things to a level so far above and beyond its competitors that they overshadows any flaws. Certainly, GTA IV has some issues, the most noticeable being the occasional flaw in the cover system, but there are many more pieces of GTA IV that are better than anything I've seen from a game in the past decade. We don't give 10s often -- just to games that merit the score.

---IGN

That there is the IGN review in the closing comments and shows the dangerous trend of "a 10 is not perfect." You have a 10 point scale. Much like a googol in numbers or absolute zero in temperature, they are there as placeholders, theoretical in nature. You can't personally reach them. They can never theoretically be and will never give a game a zero. As long as the game works. You put it in, turn it on, it boots up and the controller controls the game not matter how awful it may be, the game is above zero. Much like 10. A ten, on a scale designed to break down in to fractals that includes .1-.9's, like that would have to be utter perfection. You can start with a 10, but the second you have a complaint about something you have to tick down at least a .1 on the scale. This is what I mean by hyperbole. It's a fantastic game, there is NO doubt there. But it's far from "highest on a rating scale" perfect. Also, if you read, you'll notice a common trend of talking about the story, but seeming devoid of any in depth discussion of the actual missions. Likely because they are the same as they've ever been which can range from entertaining to dreadful. Sure, they cover the exciting ones in their review like the bank robbery, but as to expected in a TEN! review, they fail to point out that the missions for the most part haven't evolved since GTAIII. Take this guy here, race this guy, drive to this point and kill those guys, get that car and put it in that garage. Doesn't mean it can't be fun, but it's pretty much universally accepted that races are bullshit.

I do wish that Rockstar had added checkpoints in the multistage missions to cut down on the grunt work of frustrating retries. GTA4 also suffers from those little things that have always plagued the series, such as sudden pop-in of objects in the environment and the occasional repetition of car models in your immediate vicinity.

---1UP.com

1UP(EGM) gave the game an A+. I'm sorry. While in area's an A+ generally refers to a simple phenomenal presentation, it's the best you could can receive. While in actuality it may not MEAN 100% it is more than implied that the work is flawless. There is a more than likely chance you've received a paper before with a letter grade on it, and unless that paper was 100% correct in every facet, you didn't get an A+. An A is nothing to sneeze about. It may sound like I'm being less critical of the letter grade system, when in actuality I'm most critical of the system. It's a pointless, uninformative system that offers little in terms of actual information you can use. It is the most common system it seems to speak in hyperbole for since it's such a small scale (while, in theory it's the largest since it's all based on a 100% number scale), you can over exaggerate to get your point across. If you don't think the game is great, you can give it an F and people will understand and keep away, think it's phenomenal, you give it an A+, even if the title has it's shares of faults and errors. You can read pretty much any review from 1Up, EGM, Game Revolution, anything and realize that in some cases their reviews sound every bit as glowing as a review for GTA IV and only get a B+ or a regular A. There is no rhyme or reason to the actual break down of the scale at times it seems. It's just a fact that a game that's hyped and delivers is more likely to receive a much higher rating than a phenomenal game that isn't on the worlds "must own" list.


I'm not trying to beat down the reviewing community, they're doing their jobs and in several cases they are doing fantastic jobs at it. We have this unhealthy dependence on needing to have everything wrapped up for is in a nice, tight, clean package so that the rest of the actual useful and insightful data is thrown right out the window and we see that graphics get an 8 and sound design gets a 10 and the overall score (which isn't an average by the way, whatever the fuck that's about) is a 7. It's coming up on 2 months since GTA IV, one of the two MOST hyped games for 2008, the game was receiving perfect scores across the board and the honeymoon is over. Reading through any message or listening to any podcast will inform you of these facts. The Perfect 10 GTA isn't so perfect after all, the "next-gen" new game smell has worn off and we're left with a game that is identical, if not less in some cases, as any other non-10 GTA title. This is where the reviewing system has failed us miserably.

VA's Book Of The Month Club

Yes! Books, for the uninformed are linear text based adventures. While they rarely offer branching paths or multiple endings (save for the critically acclaimed Choose Your Own Adventure franchise), these parchment based textular affairs offer hours entertainment with moderate replay value. There is one in particular I want to share with you:




The Masters Of Doom is probably one of the most interesting non-fictional stories I've read in quite a while. The story of the Two Johns is so interesting, and "seeing" the studio id evolve and then proceed to unfurl is fascinating and makes for a great book. John Carmack is probably one of the most influential and important American game designers easily in the past 20 years. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a passing interest in gaming or design. Honestly and seriously, this book is an extremely entertaining read and should be read by every literate gamer. The story of id is something else and deserves to be told. Whether you like their games or not, they are an extremely important part of our generation and should be remembered that way, regardless of what bullshit they do or have done.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!

Update #2: DK Jr. Still Missing New E-Mail

From: me
Posted At: 11:30:43.000 05/13/2008
Posted To: Nintendo
Subject: Webform: Software Related > Other

What happened to Donkey Kong Junior? Where has he been?



Hello,


I'm afraid there isn't an answer to your question about Donkey Kong Jr. Nintendo excels at making sure our fans can get backstory information, character descriptions, and--most importantly--the information they require to complete the games that we publish. This can happen through our website (www.nintendo.com), Player's Guides, and Nintendo Power magazine.

Having said that, many details about our games will remain mysteries, left to the active imagination of the player.
Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.
Kurt Wagner

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529

-----


They're hiding something my fellow game players. Don't let them get away with this. E-Mail them relentlessly.

Boom Blox: A Fair And Balanced Review Of EA's Most Innovative Wii Game To Date

Buy this game right fucking now.

---Double J

I LOVE GLOVER!

Do you remember Glover? Of course you remember Glover, the greatest game of the fifth generation of video games! A lot of people didn't appreciate this game. Why? Because they're gay, that's why. Gays who overcompensate for their lack of manhood. Go back to your murder simulators, your blood and gore generators and LEAVE GLOVER ALONE.




WAIT THAT'S NOT GLOVER


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a letter!

My dearest Glover,

How are doing my angel?

Sweetie, I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful part of my life. Whenever I think of you I melt and get a fuzzy feeling on the inside. There's just something about you which I can't help liking.

What manner of creature can resist your mysterious black eyes which swirl like whirlpools and flash like lightning whenever I say something silly to you.

I really do love our bonding sessions on the couch. I think its so wonderful when me and you sit there and just talk about anything, and even watch a DVD together. Although I must admit I really do find it funny when you tell me one of your boring dirty jokes and I pretend its funny and giggle.

You know I've always loved your gorgeous legs and I can't wait to see you again so I can drool like an idiot over your legs and make a complete fool out of myself in public as always. I think its great how you just roll your eyes upwards whenever I do that, and politely smile at me. Oh how I do love those charming little habits of yours!

My thoughts are always with you, my glove!

I love you now and forever,

me

oxoxo




THAT'S NOT GLOVER EITHER SILLY


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a poem!

Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey




NOPE STILL NOT GLOVER


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a song!

Take Me Away (Oh Glover) [Featuring Emmylou Harris and Buckethead]

The day that I met you I lost a piece of my heart.
Now I've got you here, nothing's going to keep us apart.
I don't have to worry, I don't have to hurry now.
You are all I need. I know we can make it somehow.
We're making a breakthrough, heading for a fall
Glover, how can I make you see me at all?

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away

*Buckethead solo*

Trouble to the left, danger to the right; I feel it all around.
As long as you are near, there's no need to fear, and I won't back down.
I know you're the answer to all of my dreams.
Now that we're together, birds of a feather, we're the perfect team.

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away



I love Glover so much, I drew him a picture!



I LOVE GLOVER!

VA album review: Bad Hair day

Weird Al is one of those artists you either love or hate. Me, I love his stuff, which for me started with 'Dare to Be Stupid' from the Transformers Movie soundtrack (the good one).



Seeing as how the mid to late 90's was an excellent time for music, it came as no surprise in 1996 when Weird Al would release his ninth studio album 'Bad Hair Day' and parody said excellent music. Considering that there are 12 songs on the album, I'll just cover my favorites.



The driving force of the album (and cover) was Al's spoof of Coolio's hard hitting 'Gangsta's Paradise', titles 'Amish Paradise', where he makes light of the Amish culture. When he somehow weaves the chorus of the Gilligan's Island theme into the song, I lose it everytime. Personally, it's my second favorite song off the album, and one of his most popular hits:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Uj-JflMMKpk


'Cavity Search' is based off U2's 'Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me' Originally he was going to spoof 'Numb', and spin it into the song 'Green Eggs and Ham', but the estate of Dr. Seuss put the nix on it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2U-WxYmv4UQ&feature=related


My personal favorite off the album, is 'Alternative Polka' which is a medley of some of the most popular alternative hits of the times accompanied by an accordion, ranging from Beck's 'Loser', to 'Blackhole Sun' from Soundgarden. No parody here, he does the songs lyric for lyric, but it's the way he does them is what makes it for me:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ni632sTHZWU&feature=related

'Since You've Been Gone' is a very short, and kinda cute breakup song. It carries more weight if you've ever been dumped:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4x0jcfIN-pU

'Gump' is a parody of Presidents of the United States 'Lump' which pokes fun at Forrest Gump. It's one of the best songs on the album, simply because no remembers the Presidents of the United States. They aren't coming back, not even in pog form:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Efyx8gfuaB4


'I Remember Larry' is another Weird Al original, where describes an asshole neighbor making his life a living hell. The way Al does it straight, makes the song, especially the end:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wP4ahXgRUik


'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is one of the forgotten Weird Al songs, but it's also one of his best. As the title suggests, it's about Santa going postal, and it's pretty graphic. It's easily one of his sickest songs, but shame on you if you don't laugh your ass off:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HTGlUMvbhSw

Overall, this is one of his best. there was a period when Al kinda faded out of the spotlight, and I kinda consider this his comeback album.

UPDATE: DK Jr. And Nintendo.

Here we go, another part in my ongoing saga to have Donkey Kong Jr. remembered and returned as a full fledged member of the Kong and Nintendo family. I wrote Nintendo this nice email the other day:


Dear Nintendo,
I have an important question that has been haunting me for years now. In 1994, Rare introduced a new character into the Nintendo family and that is Diddy Kong. That's good and all, and it's nice to see Diddy Kong in Smash Bros. Brawl. However this leads to one very important question. Something that I find disturbing. Where has Donkey Kong's son, Donkey Kong Jr., gone? There is contradicting evidence that can prove either way that DK Jr. either is or is not the current Donkey Kong, and I think we deserve an official answer. Thank you.


Surely this will get the answers I've been long searching for. Today will be a glorious day. Nintendo can no longer run and hide from their past, they have to face it head on. So now, here is their Email.



Thank you for contacting Nintendo,


While I appreciate your enthusiasm and interest in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, there is no additional information I can provide beyond what has been revealed on the official Super Smash Bros. Brawl website (http://www.smashbros.com/). It's worth noting that there are still many things about this game that haven't yet been revealed and that the website is regularly updated with new information, so check there often!

Thank you for your e-mail.

Nintendo of America Inc.
Dale Thompson

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529


...



...



GOD DAMNIT! You win this god damn round Nintendo. Fuckers. But you can only hide from me and people for so long. Eventually you are going to have to face your past and your demons and sins.

A Deadly Battle: Diddy Kong Vs. Donkey Kong Jr.

I've been stewing about this tonight while playing some older games. Something happened a while ago, and it really bothers me. And what bothers me more is the fact that we are allowing this happen, with little or no regard to the lost soldier in the 16-bit era that we have never heard from again. You all sicken me. You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourselves. Don't worry, I'll wait here while you whip yourselves.

That's probably you. Sitting there. Playing Donkey Kong Jr. That prick they call Mario. He kidnapped your dad, and guess what, that shit don't fly with you. He's treating him like King Kong, only instead of destroying most of 1930s Manhattan in a blind rage, he just gets locked in a cage. You swing from vine to vine trying to save his bad ass because I guess Mario must have drugged him or something. It's unclear really.

So there you are. Nothing exciting there. Donkey is literally unchanged since the last time you saw him and you dropped him on his skull, ultimately leaving him functionally retarded, which we'll get to later.

LOOK! He had his own cross branded cereal. Which apparently came with a sleeve of Pez candies inside. I miss that. I loved getting candy in my cereal. It happened all the time. Why not balance out that sugar coated sugar filled puffed corn ball with a packet of Skittles? Seems like common sense to me! And now, we are trying to ban Tony the Tiger from our air waves. 200x sucks.

Nothing funny to add here or of any real importance other than to show how much of a prick Mario really is. Look. He is trying to kill DK! WITH A HAMMER! WHILE HE HOLDS HIS GOD DAMN CHILD! God bless DK Jr. for keeping a positive outlook on the whole situation while his papa gets knocked into an asylum.


Something happened though. You see, the sixteen bit era had started. And Nintendo decided that the Donkey Kong franchise needed to reach the next level. So the obvious choice was to farm it out to a developer and have them turn it into a side scrolling platformer. That's when these guys came in:

We seem to hold Rareware in a rather high regard. We made the mistake of thinking it was a big deal when Microsoft bought them out. All they have to show for it is a remake on an N64 game, a mediocre sequel to a mediocre FPS that tried to be a previous successful game that was on the N64, Grabbed By The Ghoulies and Viva Pinata. I'd put the accent mark in that word, but I don't know it, and don't care to learn it. Anyways. Outside of Nintendo Projects in the early and mid 90s, Rare is a company that seems to be scared to make games. Conker, is exactly like Donkey Kong 64, which is exactly like the Banjo series, which is just an updated 3D world version of the side scrolling SNES games they made. I'm not saying they are a terrible developer, Goldeneye is fantastic, the Star Fox they did was alright (at best) , as is the DKC games in general, but for whatever reason, we hold them in a higher regard than we should. Back on schedule. Rareware turned DK into this:

A big lumbering doofus. Wearing a necktie. Yeah, that's the next logical step. From Nintendo's big bad guy that kidnaps girlfriends, to a platforming oaf that just wants his bananas. Hooray! But that's not the worst of it. Something else changed. Donkey Kong seemed to changed a little too much.

That? That's Diddy Kong. DKs sidekick and apparent nephew. The original plan was to have Diddy be Donkey Kong Jr. But the character change was too drastic for Nintendo's liking, so they gave them the choice. Either make him look more like DK Jr. or change his name. They changed his name. And now, several Donkey Kong games, a shitty kart game, and a playable in Smash Bros. later, he's here to stay. With no mention of DK Jr. outside of a trophy in Smash Bros. Melee. What happened to him? Where did he go? Did Mario snuff him out? From what I heard, he went on to teach remedial math for a middle school in Redmond. So, for you DK Jr., where ever you may have gone, this is to you buddy, and I hope to see you again soon.

Lucha Look back: Expert Gamer

The Sharpie Conundrum

It's a strange phenomenon. I know, you don't know really what to make of it. It's weird. Don't worry in thinking that, because it is weird. Something compels kids to do this. Little Timmy is scared. Scared of what? I know you're thinking that. What is little Timmy scared of. What the hell is this little bastard thinking?




Look at him. He's in deep thought. What is he thinking about? What the hell is running through this young kids mind back in 1991? I mean, sure, look, he's got some paper in front of him with a pencil on it, but he's not thinking about work, if he was, he'd at least be holding the god damn pencil prentending to be doing something while his half retarded brain tries to figure out which one is the oldest sister in one of those brain teaser math problems teachers give to kids in order to watch them suffer. No no, he's thinking about what's most important in life. Video Games. See, I know what you're thinking you little fucker.



There you go. Thinking about an NES game. I knew it. He probably just got The Legend of Zelda yesterday and can't wait to show Joey it, because he's a dick like that. He likes showing off to his poor friends who can only afford to buy VCS games at a pawn shop. What an asshole. But what the fuck is that other thing? Is that a fucking marker? What the hell does a marker have to do with anything?



YOU COCK SMOKER! What the hell are you doing? I'm sure if you read this site, you've purchased an old NES or SNES game in the past 5 years. Kids seemed to have knack for writing their names on the games they owned. I seem to have at least 5 that have someones first or last name on them. One of them I'm almost certain appears to have a phone number on it. Here's the Double J Greater Gaming Sharpie Theorem.



Apparently, the writing of your name on the back or front of a NES game prohibits your friends from using the game on their system or stealing it for a test drive. It just further goes to show, kids were retards and the schools are doing nothing. It's why we have to have signs in front of schools to tell us kids are nearby so we don't run over them, because apparently, the complexity of a crosswalk is too much for a five year old to handle.