Friday, October 01, 2010

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: VIDEO ARMAGEDDON GETS FIRST SCOOP ON CHOPSTICKS


That's right. We've got the very first scoop on Nintendo's next gen system, currently in development at Pee-wee's Playhouse in Kyoto, Japan. Earlier today I spoke with our resident ninja, Chef Boyardee-X, who slept with Cammie Dunaway and then snuck into Nintendo of Japan's offices while she was peeing on a pregnancy test thingy and swiped top secret trapper keepers related to the next Nintendo console, codenamed Chopsticks.

First of all, and most importantly, I can confirm that, yes, Chopsticks will use CDs instead of cartridges. That's right, you heard it here first. Chopsticks will be Nintendo's first ever 3D home console. No grasses! Chopsticks will have a new and improved magical pointy fairy wand, which will be made out of genuine licensed Nerf material. Nintendo will be teaming up with Nerf for a joint crossover marketing venture.


Chopsticks will introduce a revolutionary new battery solution for video game controllers. However Nintendo will be sued shortly after launch and existing controllers will be pulled from store shelves and replaced with controllers that use standard AA batteries. Nintendo will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.

Chopsticks will be the most powerful system of the next generation. In fact, Chopsticks games will feature live actors and full motion video, something never before done in gaming ever. This latest NintendovationTM will be copied by Sony and Nintendo will sue. Sony will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.


Nintendo's dream of connectivity with handhelds will become a true reality with Chopsticks. The next iteration of the DS, 3DS (pictured) will be seamlessly integrated with Chopsticks. You will have the ability to play Chopsticks Virtual Console games on your 3DS, and vice versa, although your Chopsticks console and 3DS will be permanently tied to each another. You will only be able to store three games at a time and they will disappear after 30 seconds (approximately) of transferring them. Chopsticks will make history by being the first Nintendo system to offer downloadable episodes of The Golden Girls and Designing Women.


As for backwards compatibility, all GameCube and Wii games will be playable on Chopsticks. However, there will be no GameCube controller ports on Chopsticks. A new line of controllers modeled after the NES, SNES, TurboGrafx-16, Genesis, Nintendo 64, GameCube, etc. will be released, however they will be purchasable only through the Japanese Chopsticks shop. Also you need to have a Japanese Chopsticks to buy them. Chopsticks will be region-locked so you have to buy one Chopsticks console for each region.

Chopsticks will be the first Nintendo system since the Nintendo 64 to launch with Mario: the combo package Super Mario Universe/Duck Hunt: Liberation will come packed in with the system along with a light gun, a headset, and a new version of the Robotic Operating Buddy. Having been developed at NASA over the course of 15 years, R.O.B.2 will have the ability to hover through the air, vacuum your house, and pleasure you sexually.


Screenshot of Nintendo's first ever FMV game, Super Mario Universe



The prototype R.O.B.2, currently in development at NASA


The Chopsticks Zapper


A headset peripheral will come packed in with Chopsticks


Chopsticks will have a card scanner on the system, much like the one pictured here, for scanning credit cards, points cards, Pokemon cards, and the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973, when he had big sideburns


Anticipation has been confirmed for the Chopsticks Virtual Console

Floor Vision will make its debut on Chopsticks. A video demonstration can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDnI-45pgMQ


TITLES IN DEVELOPMENT (list subject to change):

Super Mario Universe/Duck Hunt: Liberation
Mario Kart Chopsticks
Mario and Mavis Beacon at the Olympic Games
Mario and Mavis Beacon at the Olympic Winter Games
Donkey Kong Junior is Missing!
Sonic and the Catcher in the Rye
Swift Justice with Nancy Grace
Let's Build a Pony!
Let's Build a Pony! Adventures
100 Classic Silent Films
Bananas in Pajamas
Celebrity Autopsy: The Video Game
ALF 2

Monday, September 13, 2010

Super Mario Bros. Is 25 Years Old




It's a weird thought for me. The game that started it all for modern day gaming, Super Mario Bros., was originally released on the Famicom on this day (Sept. 13th 1985) 25 years ago. I personally predate Super Mario Bros. That is something I never really fully comprehended until this date. I knew SMB came out in 1985, but that little factoid always slipped passed my mind. I didn't get my gaming legs wet until a few years later. I was probably way to young to young to be playing video games back then. 1989? Is four too young to be playing games? It probably is. I don't care. Tetris, Mario, and Contra were awesome. I'm sure somewhere in the cosmos there is a Back To The Future like time line written on a chalkboard, and in 1989 there are several branches that shoot out leading to different realities. Perhaps in Earth-684 this blog is about political cartoons and is called "Illustrious Illustrations" and I wear a tam everywhere I go. I should buy a tam.

I was waiting for today. Today was the day I'd "relaunch" this blog. Not a real relaunch, since you can't really relaunch something that was never launched to begin with. I guess refocus would have been a better choice of words. Really, I'm writing this part as I go. It's a nice foray into the insanity of my mind. All the pieces are there, It's just up to me to attempt to assemble them in a manner that looks like I'm not loonier than a toon. I think a better focus for this blog would be more towards the personal interactions I've had with gaming and it's culture as opposed to just trying to be a mock journalist pretending like I know what I'm doing and reviewing things. I'm not that guy. YES, I might still do that once in a while, and I do want to keep writing about random silly gaming things, but THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE is what I want. Personal tales of my history with gaming, my present with gaming, my future with gaming, and my views on the industry and culture as a whole. Plus this is all I really can do. I'm a wordsmith, but I'm not exactly the most professional. My composition needs work, to say the least. Looks at all these commas. Man, I LOVE commas. To the point that I use them incorrectly quite a bit.

The first game I can ever remember consciously playing was Super Mario Bros. It was quite honestly the greatest toy I ever played with. I said toy. I realize that. It's a sort of heresy to think of games these days as anything else other than art or legitimate and standalone form of entertainment. Back then, as far as I was concerned, they weren't anything more than toys. I controlled the little brown and red dude across the screen and tried to get from point-a to point-b without dying. It was the greatest thing ever. I knew right then and there I needed that toy that my grandma had hooked up to her TV. Eventually, I did get that toy. And to this date, Super Mario Bros. and the numerous sessions of 2-player gaming with my dad on Contra remain some of the most treasured memories I have. That's why gaming will never stop being a part of the person I am. They mean more to me than just another way to kill time. They have, for better or most likely worse, shaped me and my personality to what it is today. Video games and The Simpsons.

This is just the start. Slowly but surely I plan on digging through on a more personal level about my history with games. A peek behind the curtain that is me. I have stories tell, memories to recollect, and truths to reveal. We've just spotted to the tip of the iceberg that brought the Titanic down. Join me and go down with the ship and see how deep down this thing really is.

Next week: The schoolyard and the early 90s.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Don't Call It A Comeback...

I never thought myself as an aspiring journalist. I just thought of myself as an asshole that always had something angry to say about gaming. Gaming could almost be described as my passion in life. I'm not college educated. I never hope to be discovered and get a gig writing for Joystiq or feel like could finagle my way into E3 and feel legitimate. I just like to write. Unfortunately I made it so it wasn't fun. I tried too hard to sort of comply with the "rules" of blogging. Nobody gives a shit about lists. Everybody has a top ten list. You can go anywhere on on the net, not just blogging sites, and find a top 10 list about something. They're all the same. So here I am. I ruined my own site for myself. I focused too hard on writing reviews for things, most of which went unpublished, or scathing lists about various topics that everyone always talks about. I'm done with that. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. This is a rebirth of VA. I'm going to make this the way I want it to be. I'm not going to bother with the nonsense that I feel like I'm obligated to write just because I have a blog on the internet dedicated to a particular topic. If I feel passionate enough about a particular game, sure, I'll write something, whether that be positive or negative. And I tend to get bizarre and random gaming gadget and knick-knacks that I never really write about that I probably should. Good times will be had by all. But mostly me. You, I'm not so interested in.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Heavy Rain: A Journal Part I

SPOILERS! SERIOUSLY! This is LITERALLY my play through of Heavy Rain as I progressed through it. I kept a little tiny journal thing. It tracks my thoughts as I progress through it. It's not just spoilers. It's the fucking game. Don't read it if you want to be surprised or give a shit about that kind of stuff.



Awesome. Starting off with a guy in his midways. At least sleep under the blankets!

I personally have enough common courtesy not to stand on the patio in my underpants.

That birds up to some shit, I know.

Awesome. A shower scene. I wonder how many creative ways they will craft to keep his junk out of frame.

I'm feeling uneasy. I know know what this game is about. One of these kids is going to die.

I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THE PARTY OR CAKE OR SEE THE PRESENT BEING OPENED? That's bullshit.

Great. A mall. Might as well take the kids to Pedophile Land.

This kid is a horrible actor and should not be allowed to use the English language.

Trying to find this kid is seriously tense. Fuck you not-my-kid red balloon kid.

JAYSON!

Well shit. That's not what I expected to happen.

And now I'm divorced. Awesome.

This is a depressingly accurate bachelor simulator.

SHIT. I didn't really mean to tell him he couldn't have his teddy bear. Stupid QTE.

Beatin' up hooker Johns. All in the days work for an asthmatic private eye.

Jayden's voice actor is irritating.

ORRI-GAAAMI.

I'm playing Miles Edgeworth now.

Psych profile now? Is this Silent Hill?

Now I'm in the park. This game has no idea what the fuck it wants to do.

OF COURSE. Black out at the park. GOD DAMNIT. My wife hates me enough as it is. Now I'm gonna be the cause of TWO kids deaths.

Alright. I want those glasses, Jayden.

Now I REALLY want these Space Glasses.

I don't like this character. At least not right now.

What's that shit he's taking SUPPOSED to be? Windex?

SHIT. Why didn't I remember what clothes my kid was wearing?!?!

A convenience store hold up? I actually played this part already at PAX.

Oh sure. I saved your ass now I get your shoebox of broken dreams.

And now the fanservice for the guys.

Now it's turned into a thriller movie. Complete with stereotypical burglar sneaking around the house.

OH SHIT! They got me. I thought for sure I fucked up and got her killed.

FUCK YOU PAPARAZZI! I'm stealthy like a fucking ninja!

What's with this dream state thing? Don't tell me it's turning into one of those fucking games.

It IS hilarious knocking people down though.

Ah yes. The train station locker. A Hollywood staple for over 50 years.

What the hell kind of phone is that? It's like it uses N64 memory cards.

Sideshow time! I hope he shows everyone his trip to Vegas.

That is a lot of fucking crosses.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this dude isn't the killer since I pretty much just started the game. Unless it's the ultimate swerve.

And I shot him. I'm sorry. I panicked. I didn't know what was going on. I'm CERTAIN they weren't going to kill these two crucial characters off so early in.

What the fuck is this now? A trailer park?

Oh great. A crying baby and no mother. I think we know what the fuck this means.

Not today lady. You have to survive so I can give you the "World's Worst Mother Award"

And now I'm changing a diaper. What the fuck is up with this games priorities.

AND feeding, burping, and rocking the baby to sleep. Awesome.

You know. He really seems to be gathering a lot of clues and proceeding to do JACK SHIT with them. Come on Scott.

FUCK YES. That was what I was talking about. That car chase thing was fucking awesome.

And then they make you play the game upside down. Which is every bit as disorienting as it sounds. Up is down. Left is right. TOTAL CHAOS!

Also. That is one of the most ADVANCED GPS units ever. You can customize it to say whatever the hell you want? Or is the Origami Killer just a complete and total genius?

Friday, January 01, 2010

In Which I Award The Best of The Best At What They Do 2009 Edition

Sony PSP Game Of The Year
LittleBigPlanet
It's not easy being Sackboy. You had one of the most anticipated games your home console had seen in it's generation. Granted, you're in a game that gameplay wise is older than Mario himself, but you have a hook. You give the players very comprehensive tools that allows them to upload and share a seemingly limitless supply of levels. Sounds great, right? It is. So you could imagine the level of skepticism I had when I heard that LBP was getting a portable version. Luckily, love and care was put into LPB PSP. While you sacrifice multiplayer, you gain a fantastic never ending game on the go that you likely already love with an ever-expanding community of creators. Bravo team. Bravo.



Nintendo DS Game Of The Year
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
(Bowser: The kindest of all murderous aspiring dictators)
Mario has been cutting through worlds with reckless abandon for ages now. Him and his brother have been kicking it turnbased style for several years now as well. Naturally, when something succeeds, Nintendo will make sequels. We never REALLY got a sequel to Mario RPG on the SNES. What we did get was the Mario and Luigi Saga. (I guess Paper Mario would be the first...but don't interrupt this flow) While decent games, with decent writing, none of them ever really grabbed my attention until Bowser's Inside Story. The insane plot is hilariously written, and contains multiple gameplay styles that includes side scrolling platforming and giant oversized battle sequences that require you to hold the DS book style. A must own for any DS gamer.

Handheld Game Of The Year
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
(I have chortles!)
I can't say anything else about this game. It was a bad idea to write a really good description of it in the previous category. So. You guys watch Lost? I don't. I know I should, and I see that seasons 1-5 is on Netflix instant streaming these days. Maybe I'll get around to watching them now. Of course, I'm certain Twitter will spoil the ending to the series for me.


Most Improved Franchise Of The Year
Assassin's Creed
(Image censored. Wang free. Thank you Ubisoft)
Hey guys! Remember Assassin's Creed? The one that was obnoxiously repetitive and mostly consisted of you sitting on benches and pick pocketing people for most of the game? Yeah? I bet you can't wait for the sequel! Well guess what! Here it is! They actually fixed everything. Most games are repetitive. We really should realize it. What the original games problem was that it did NOTHING to disguise the fact that we're just doing the same thing over and over and over and you can't so much trip over your own feet without alerting somebody somewhere. NOW. NOW we have the game I wanted when I booted it up the first time. FINALLY.


Parappa The Rapper Presents: Musical Game Of The Year
The Beatles: Rock Band
(I really don't see how all five of you are going to fit in there)
Have you heard of these guys? They're called The Beatles. It's five Brits that write awesome music. I'm PRETTY sure they're all on drugs though. And I think one of them died and they just replaced him with a look-a-like. The tabloids don't lie. But seriously, the Beatles is one of the biggest acts of all time. Getting the license to make a game that scans their entire musical history has to be one of the most painstaking and awkward tasks of all time. You KNOW people are going to be breathing down your neck at ALL times. Harmonix done did us good. A game that comes across as a fitting tribute to one of the biggest bands of all time, with none of the filler or silliness of an Activision title. The Beatles: Rock Band also has one of the best visual styles of the year. The Dreamscapes can be nothing short of epic. You almost just want to turn on no-fail mode and watch it play.

Assassin Creed's "Boy This Should Have Been WAY More Awesome"
Award of Merit
Scribblenauts
(Not shown. A horrific scene of cookie obscenity)
I like Scribblenauts. It's true. Which is why it pains me to say it's an awful game. I take back some of that. The game itself is sound. The puzzles are great and range from rewarding to mind numbing. There are two types of puzzles. Traditional thinkin' puzzles, and action based puzzles. The dictionary in the game is nothing short of technological feat. Unfortunately it controls like a drunk boat. Which would be great if you were playing a game about a drunken schooner, but you aren't. You're controlling a boy in a rooster hat sticking steaks to babies and imploding the universe with the LHC.

Licensed Game Of The Year
Batman Arkham Asylum
(Batman: Goddamn)
HEY! A licensed game that's good! And not just "Hey, this is great for a licensed game!" good, like Wolverine Origins or Spider-Man 2. This is just good old fashioned great. You are the Worlds Greatest Detective. You use all of your crazy bat powers (and by bat powers I mean limitless amounts of money to buy the greatest toys ever and years of martial arts training) to stop the Jokers newest stupid plot. The Joker is an idiot. This bull crap never works and he knows it. What was his big plan this time? Take over Arkham is cliche Joker. Anyone with a spork and a wetnap could apparently break out of or take control of this stupid island.

Mario Kart Wii's 3 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back Award
Sony presents The PSP Go!
(RAWR!)
Alright. I'll level with you. I own one. There. I said it. Mock me all you want. I didn't own a PSP and I like new technology and I wanted to own LBP and Gran Turismo. Big whoop. I'll get on to THAT shit later. So here's the lowdown. The PSP is basically a bomb. Not Sega Saturn or CD:i Zelda bombs, but a bomb none the less. Why is it a bomb? There is no one particular answer. The original console using a disc based format probably doesn't help. The dude isn't exactly portable either, since without a case, the delicate screen is ALWAYS exposed. The library isn't the greatest, it's picked up these days, but for the majority of it's life span, it's been weak. And the DS is just a freight train out of control moving millions of units every month. So why not reboot it? And they did. With this. First of all, it's smaller. WAY smaller. Which isn't bad, but it's not good either. It's an awkward shape, and depending on who you are, you can really cramp up playing this thing. Having no disc drive is a great idea, except for the fact that it was at one point (and still is mind you) a disc based system. You can't even transfer games over if you upgraded to this unit. Also, the store isn't exactly greatest. Some companies don't even seem interested in supporting it. Then....there is that fucking screen again. Not recessed into the unit. Just lying there, waiting for you to just slip it into your pocket so the seams of your denim can show it who's boss. Is it wrong to want my portable gaming device to be a clamshell? I can understand if it were a phone, but this? COME ON!

Award For Cinematic Excellence

Uncharted 2
(The voice of a generation. Almost literally)
Let's get one thing straight. Uncharted 2 is better than anything you'll ever do in your life. Myself included. Perhaps the plot itself isn't exactly Oscar caliber, but it's DAMN good. Damn well written with amazing characters and an amazing cast to boot. Granted, it doesn't make much sense why Nate would be against shooting a guard in a museum only to hurl him off of a building into the icy waters below shortly after this discussion with his accomplice, but hey, whatever. All I know is that the cutscenes are beautiful, the acting is fantastic, and I wish it weren't over.

Best Racing Game Of The Year

Forza 3
(Forza 3: Not Pictured Here)
Hey there. This might come as a shock to you guys, but I'm a HUGE racing fan. I love racing games. Sure, Burnouts, Mario Karts, Need For Speeds,...uh....Roadblasters? They're all fun. But given my druthers, I'll take a sim over them any day of the week. I love everything about sim racers. The beautiful graphics, the faithful renderings and schematics of real life cars, the ability to tweak and tune your favorite car in any way you feel fit just gets me going. I LOVE it. And Forza 3 does it excellently. Need For Speed: Shift deserves an honorable mention. It's a VERY good well balanced blend between Sim racing and arcade racing and I hope to see the Shift franchise to keep going and stray away from the street racing theme that NFS has been prone to do lately.

"That's A Last Gen Feature" Blunder Of The Year Award
PSN
(Open During Construction)
There is a lot that can be said about PSN. Yes. It's a free service, but that doesn't mean it has to be treated like a free service. PSN does a lot of things well. For one, in their infinite wisdom, they realized that making the store a browser based application was a fucking stupid idea and changed that last year. Unfortunately, they don't quite seem to know what to do with the space. Awesome games on PSN that are original are few and far between. The PSone classics section is a disgrace at times. But this is all little things. My biggest problem with PSN is that they decided to launch a console, the PSP Go, that is depended SOLELY on this service and it's laissez faire attitude towards content. LBP PSP launched practically a WEEK after it was announced with nary a word to be spoken about why. Will this new game that's coming out be on the network at launch? Hell if I know. Sony isn't talking. What about an older game? Like ____? Good luck getting an answer. Hell, some developers even seem against releasing anything digitally anyways. It's bad times over there, and it shouldn't be.

Best Sequel
Uncharted 2
Did you know that before being the best game of 2009, Uncharted was already the best game of PS3? Sure, MGS4 exists, and countless other multiplatform titles, but Uncharted was the best game. Seriously. It was the tipping point in selling me the PS3 and I don't regret it. While Uncharted was a great game, there were a lot of little things they could have fixed. And they did. Uncharted 2 gave everything a better polish, from the gunplay to the visuals. There are little bits of animation in the game that just completely wow you and it comes across as nothing you've ever seen before. It is a masterfully crafted sequel.

I DO HOWEVER need to give props to Assassin's Creed II. They took a franchise that could have been dead. A poorly received first game can be a death sentence. But they did EVERYTHING right this time. I applaud that team for making what was practically an entirely new franchise.

Best New Original IP
DJ Hero
(MC Escher. Get it?)
I was a skeptic. Activision has burned me lately with the "Hero" franchise. III was passable but ridiculous. World Tour was bad and V was nothing short of boring to me. Not to mention the attempts at band games. Aerosmith was alright, as is Metallica, but when you look at something like the Beatles game, you realize that they're nothing more than JUST branding. Enter DJ Hero. The DJing scene isn't exactly something I follow. All I know is that I like Run DMC and this game has Vanilla Ice and The Killers in it. I took a leap of faith and I enjoyed every second of it. It was fresh and unique (even though really, it's just another reused concept) and the soundtrack of mashups is top notch. I tip my hat to the developers of DJ Hero. They created a new rhythm game that I am more than willing to stick with.

Best Xbox 360 Game of 2009
(Only Console Exclusives)
Forza Motorsport 3
(POINTS!)
Sue me. This was my favorite 360 game of the year. Bite me. I like racing games. This isn't your award show. I have nothing else to say about Forza 3 and I don't have to defend my decision. Let's just change the subject. I own two Teddy Ruxpin's and two Grubby's. Why? Because they're awesome and I want to start an animatronic fuzzy robot army.

Best PS3 Game of 2009
(Only Exclusives)
Uncharted 2
(Hint Hint)
How much more information do you think I can pass on about Uncharted 2?

Best Wii Game of 2009
(Exclusives or games with exclusive features)
Silent Hill Shattered Memories
(Using a cellphone while running from demons is probably a bad idea)
Did you know that the Wii had a ton of stuff released on it this (2009)year? It's true. Although by reading the internet, you'd never really realize it. And holy shit does this one take the cake. Not an exclusive to the Wii, it was also released on the PS2 and PSP, but they pale in comparison to the Wii version. It's a "re-imagining" of the original game. Which basically means that they just stole the names and basic plot and created a different game around it. This game judges you on a psychological level as you play, which is step one in making a creepy game. You control your flashlight with the IR on the remote. THAT'S awesome. You take horrible crackly cell phone calls with the crappy tinny speaker on the remote. And if you want to ACTUALLY hear what is in the call, you have to hold it up to your ear. And then, all hell breaks loose. No combat. When hell LITERALLY freezes over, you have to run your ass off. This game is nothing short of a delight from start to finish.

Gamestop Presents: We Won't Get Any Money From These
Downloadable Game of the Year
Trials HD
(Shown: Not Trials HD)
It's almost like Excitebike, if Excitebike made me hurl my control the floor and storm out of my own bedroom cursing. This game gets unrelenting to the point of it just being downright mean.


Best Packaging Design
Metriod Prime Trilogy
Nintendo doesn't exactly have a track record, especially these days, with particularly compelling artwork. Hell, one glance at the cover for Bowser's Inside Story would lead you to believe they actually forgot to design the cover and just used the placeholder graphic that stores like Gamestop use to entice you to preorder. But what the hell is this? The Metroid Prime Trilogy, all three phenomenal Prime games on one disc, comes in a very nice steelbook case with beautiful graphics wrapped all around. It even has a little fold out artbook inside. I don't know exactly why Nintendo decided to do this, but son of a bitch, I'm glad they did.

John J. Holders Favorite Of Two-Thousand And Nine That Wasn't Anything Completely and Totally Amazing But Deserves To Be Recognized By SOMEBODY.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 Wii
(Editors Note: This was actually written before the recent..uh...occurrences)
Golf games are awesome.

That's the first time that line was probably ever written. But I stand by it. I love golf games. I think they're always fun. I used to play Fred Couples golf on the 32x almost daily for an entire year. Sierra made an awesome golf game called Front Page Sports Golf that was probably my favorite golfing game of all time. Key word. WAS. Move over Sierra. There is a new Sheriff in town, and his squeaky clean name is Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods 2010 on the Wii is one of the greatest sports games ever created. That's not hyperbole either. I genuinely think that. The optional package came bundled with Wii Motion Plus, which basically turns the controller into the device you thought you bought. And with this device you get one of the most fluid, fun, and brilliant golf games ever crafted. It even has disc golf. MOTION PLUS disc golf. Online features are in full force, everything the console counterparts have with less visual OOMPH. But it doesn't matter. This game is a game that should be played at least once by everyone with a Wii.




Game of the Year 2009
Uncharted 2
Seriously. I can't talk about Uncharted 2 anymore. If you want to know more, I'm certain IGN has a 23 page review about it written up.

Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing Presents: Shit Pile of the Year



Tony Hawk's Ride
This man should not be allowed to sell video games anymore. Ride is a pile of shit. Go ahead. Stand on it. Play it. And "play" is a term you can really use loosely since I've seen cats get thousands of points of this damn contraption Activision thought they could pawn off on retailers this holiday season. It may look like a cool novelty, but don't fool yourself. You have zero reason to play this game when a game like Skate 2 or Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 exists in this world. Why torture yourself?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

John J. Holder, Esq,'s 47th Annual Awards For Excellence (And Not So Much) In Gaming Nominees

Here we go. One more year in the can. Another year of gaming. Although from a glance in your mind, it wasn't all that interesting up until these last couple of months. But digging proved otherwise. Nothing EVENTFUL until the end here, but plenty of games that deserve to be on your shelve, or bin, or where the hell you keep your games. Games with no nominees means it'll either spoil a surprise, or I already had a winner and didn't need a nominee. Who knows. Maybe there will be even more awards in the final "show" if I can think of some.



Sony PSP Game Of The Year
Nominees:
LittleBigPlanet
GTA:Chinatown Wars
Final Fantasy Dissidia
Patapon 2
Rock Band Unplugged

Nintendo DS Game Of The Year
Nominees:
Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
Scribblenauts
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor
Henry Hatsworth Puzzling Adventure

Handheld Game Of The Year
Nominees TBA

Most Improved Franchise Of The Year
Assassin's Creed
Forza
Guitar Hero

Parappa The Rapper Presents: Musical Game Of The Year
DJ Hero
Guitar Hero 5
The Beatles: Rock Band
Rock Band Unplugged
Lego Rock Band (DS)


Assassin Creed's "Boy This Should Have Been WAY More Awesome"
Award of Merit
Modern Warfare 2
Tony Hawk: Ride
Scribblenauts
The Conduit
Brutal Legend

Licensed Game Of The Year
Batman Arkham Asylum
Ghostbusters: The Video Game
X-Men Origins: Wolverine


Mario Kart Wii's 3 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back Award


Award For Cinematic Excellence
(Here's a hint, it's Uncharted 2)



Best Racing Game Of The Year
Forza 3
Need For Speed Shift

"That's A Last Gen Feature" Blunder Of The Year Award



Best Sequel
Uncharted 2
Assassin's Creed 2
Street Fighter 4
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box


Best New Original IP
DJ Hero
Half Minute Hero
Scribblenauts
The Conduit
Wet


Best Xbox 360 Game of 2009
(Only Console Exclusives)
Halo 3: ODST
Forza Motorsport 3

Halo Wars
Ninja Blade


Best PS3 Game of 2009
(Only Exclusives)
inFamous
Uncharted 2

Killzone 2
Demon's Souls
Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack In Time


Best Wii Game of 2009
(Exclusives or games with exclusive features)
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
Madworld
The Conduit
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles
Wii Sports Resort
Tiger Woods 2010 (Wii Motion Plus)
Murumasa
Metroid Prime Trilogy
Little Kinds Story
Boom Blox Bash Party
Punch-Out!!!


Gamestop Presents: We Won't Get Any Money From These
Downloadable Game of the Year
Battlefield 1943
Shatter
Flower
Contra Rebirth
Bit Trip Void
Shadow Complex
Trials HD
'Splosion Man
The Secret Of Monkey Island
The Maw


Best Packaging Design
(No Nominee)

Personal Favorite Of Two-Thousand And Nine
(General Award, no nominees. A game that while wasn't necessarily one of the best games of the year, this is a game that I felt deserves SOME recognition)




Game of the Year 2009
Nominees:
Well, telling you now would ruin some of the categories, wouldn't it?


Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing Presents: Shit Pile of the Year



Saturday, December 19, 2009

Wayback Machine: Christmas 1996

I'm not exactly sure why. I was sitting here, reading a message board I frequent, and a topic of discussion was the "worst Christmas present" and it made me think of what Christmas was my most memorable. I had one that was memorable when I was really young, probably somewhere in '89 maybe '90. I can't remember exactly. But it was good because I just remember it being huge and getting a BUNCH of stuff. I still have pictures. All sorts of TMNT things, and of course my beloved Gameboy (with Tetris obviously) that I still own to this day. Although my dad loved that thing as much as I did. Well, not so much the Gameboy itself as it was Tetris. He blew up the batteries once. Chances are, if the batteries died in that thing, it was likely his fault.


But honestly, my favorite Christmas was Christmas 1996 because it was probably the prefect cross section of my life. It wasn't as massive as others had been, and it included one of the biggest blunders in gaming history, but god dammit I remember it vividly. Also, it was the last time I got something from "Santa" for obvious reasons. We weren't fooling anybody anymore.

That was smack dab in the middle of America's revitalization with professional wrestling. Which was great for me, sicne it meant I got a shit ton of new WWF merchandise. Including an absolutely gigantic wrestling ring for Diesel and Bret Hart to battle it out in.

Credit for pic: Loose Jakks Database

Of course though, gaming was on the agenda. Why wouldn't it be? 1996 was home to the biggest console launch in ages. Hell, the stupid ass Saturn just came out randomly one day. Not the N64. No no. I would wait in a line at Blockbuster video just to play a few minutes of Super Mario 64. That's what I needed. That's what I craved. Super Mario 64? COME ON! Although....I mean, everybody else wanted an N64 too. Why wouldn't they? Look at this thing.



It's got dang ugly is what it is. Would you look at that controller? It's like somebody broke a table and put buttons on it. Yet I don't care what kind of jokes people say. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO USE THAT THING?!?" or whatever they try to say. It was a fine damn controller for 1996. Look at that. It has a joystick on it. Try playing Mario 64 one a d-pad. You can't. It sucks. Go ahead, get Mario 64 DS. Play with the d-pad. It's awful. There's like, nine buttons on that thing, not including the start button. AND LOOK AT THAT! Four controller ports? BUILT IN?! Screw off Sony, they don't need you and your SNES CD Add-On peripheral.

I got three games for my N64. What three games were they you may ask? Well....I suppose I could share. Let's keep in mind that this was 1996 and wasn't even a teenager yet. I still liked playing Sonic Spinball for Christ's sake. Anywho:


Yeah. Super Mario 64. That's boring. If you've somehow stumbled into here and are reading this, first of all, you're likely in a library. I'm just saying, I have a feeling that's my main demographic. Hobos and poor people. The second most popular demo is people in my age group. So yes. You've played Mario. That stupid vulture has stolen your hat. You've caught the gold bunny, and you've tried wallkicking up the side of the castle to try and get to Yoshi without have to get all 120 stars.


Uhh...well. This is a dark spot. Cruis'n (the hell?) USA was an arcade staple. And arcade staple from NINETEEN NINETY FOUR. It's a two year old racing game with basically zero depth. The coolest part about the game was going into first person mode and have flies splat on the windshield. Of course, the best part about THIS version is that if you want to race on other tracks, you have to dredge through career mode, which is basically you racing against AI-less vehicles and crazy physics. And of course, there were hidden cars. It's everyone's dream to race a school bus. Basically, it looked like you were racing in a world made of cardboard. At least they had SOME modesty and put the trophy girls in t-shirts for the N64 version.


And of course, the final new game I got for that Christmas was Shadow's of the Empire. Alright. This is a difficult one to talk about. Mostly because it's a game that didn't hold up very well even DURING the consoles life span. And in terms of Star Wars, there were much better days to come. SotE was based on an Expanded Universe story of the same name. The story was pretty much created to sell as much product as humanly possible. This game is pretty much you being Han Solo without actually having to be Han Solo. The guys ship even looks like the Falcon. Three levels come to mind, and they're all vehicle levels. That should be a clue. The first level out of the gate is Hoth. Which now sounds like the worst thing EVER, but in this case it wasn't. Hop in a speeder and blow up probe droids, AT-STs and learn how to trip up those pesky AT-ATs with your tow cable. Then a bunch of levels that involved running around shooting guys. You even almost kill Boba Fett at one point. But the other two hot points of the game were CLEARLY the swoop bike scene where you race and kill other guys on swoop bikes for some reason. Narrative wise I can't even remember why the hell you had to do it other than it looked awesome. Then there was the final stage. Which is pretty much like fighting the Death Star, except it's a giant space station. There are even Star Destroyers that you can shoot, but their damage never goes down, which is a bummer. You blow up the core of the station thing and win the game. But of course, it ends on a cliff hanger unless you beat the game on a harder difficulty. REPLAYABITLY!



That's Christmas 1996.....well....uh....that's not true. I wasn't going to say anything, but I got something else that year that I had wanted for a few years. By this point they didn't even actually make it anymore. But I got it. Boy did I ever get it.







Alright. Lets crack jokes all we want. Star Wars Arcade was awesome. For a console port of Doom it was totally awesome. It has the only hummingbird based sidescrolling shooter probably ever. And yes, I'm still waiting for Kolibri 2: Still Hummin'. But my main two attractions for the 32x were of course the obvious choices. Virtua Racing was number 1. Which was WAY better than the 100 dollar version you could have got for the Genesis. Oh. And Fred Couples 36 Great Holes. Which is a GOLF GAME you freaking perverts. This isn't a Tiger Woods game. *ba-dum-TISH*


Seriously though. It sucked. The only advantage was that it made some Sega CD FMV games not look like TOTAL garbage for once.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My toy collection

Physical evidence of my dorkiness caught on film! Apologies in advance for the darkness of the video in some spots.




Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Games That Changed The World Vol. 5

AHHH!


Hello again. Remember last time, I was talking about games that made you angrier than that time God caught Jesus masturbating or the time you read that and got angry at the concept of Jesus playing with himself? Well, this is the opposite. This is about a game that made you want to tie up and keep whoever the hell was playing it you at the time so they could never leave and you could finally beat that snow level? I mention that because while Contra was fun by your self, you aren't going to fucking beat it. You get 3 lives and it's one hit kills. Sure, I'd be hung, drawn, and quartered if I didn't mention the Konami code (which appeared in Gradius first, not this game) and it's ability to pretty much let you walk through the game, but that's not a challenge. That's not any different then watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a basketball game. The outcome is pretty much written, it's just a matter of how you get there.

No. Single player isn't the selling point. The multiplayer is where it's at. Except back in those days, nobody used a stupid term like multiplayer. What are you, a fucking a English teacher? Firefox hates that word. I really should add it to the dictionary, but that's besides the point. No no. We called that shit 2 Player. "Wanna play 2 player Contra?" The answer would always be yes. And if it was no, they immediately stopped being your friend. And you were always Player 1. Why? It's your god damn system that's why. And if it wasn't your system, you couldn't say shit about it. You were the blue guy or you didn't play. Then you played. It was what the kids today call "co-op" gameplay. You worked together, and if you were lucky, you got to put 11 million bullets (and by bullets, I mean red circles, flames, or lasers) into a giant alien heart.

That's right, the final act took place inside of an alien apparently. Although, this was before it was normal to tell people what the hell was going on outside of a blurb in the manual, and maybe an opening cutscene. One minute you're shooting what appears to be dudes, next thing you know, aliens. I guess that makes sense. I mean...well. Whatever. You also could try and beat the other guys score, but by this point in gaming, getting points was pretty much pointless now. Also, the game had a cheat where you could steal a life from your partner. Which as you would imagine, lead to fist fights and hair pulling.


Oh, and the fucking Spread Gun. Really, forget everything I said about the game. Buy it, and everyone of it's sequels (Including Contra 4 for the DS, since you get a brand new Contra, and the 2 original NES games) right now.



Games That Changed The World Vol. 4



I NEED THIS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!

Hey, kid. Games are expensive. And we're talking expensive in 1989 dollars. Games are about 60 bucks new these days, which compared to the 70 dollars people paid for Super Mario RPG or even Superman 64, it was really hard to convince people in 1989 to buy more than a couple of games in one sitting for a holiday. But when you did, you better hope you placed your bet on black (you ALWAYS bet on black) and won, because if it sucked, you were fucked for at least another few months and hope maybe you can convince the Easter Bunny to hide a copy of River City Ransom in one of those plastic pastel eggs of his.

Take X-Men for example!

Uhh...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Games That Changed The World Vol. 2

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PAST THIS THING?!


Legend of Zelda is magical. Legend of Zelda took the idea being a child, exploring, and going on adventures in your own backyard and made it a fantasy game. One part childhood innocence and one part Dungeons and Dragons, and no part hints, you are thrust into a world you know nothing about.

Of course, the first thing to grab any child's attention is shiny things. And Nintendo clearly knew this. There is NO reason for a game cartridge to be painted shiny gold. Flat primer paint instead of gray is one thing. But not only do you color it a shiny gold, but you cut a little square out of the packaging itself so you can clearly see what lies within. It's really diabolical if you think about really.

You're dumped off into the middle of nowhere. Basically, you see four paths and a cave entrance. Being adventurous, they know full well you'll enter that cave first. And so help you god, you had better. In there is some dude and he gives you a sword. For what reason he decides to give a child a sword isn't really explained, but there he is. Captain Runwithscissors gives you a sword. And now you're off! Uh...to where really is your choosing. Unless you have a guide handy, you just keep walking until you find something to go into. Sometimes, you'll jump the gun and go into a dungeon you are TOTALLY not prepared for yet. It's an adventure. You want to beat this dungeon? You better have a god damn ladder, raft, flute, and boomerang in those tiny little spandex stockings you have on.

The Zelda games in recent years have sort of traveled away from the childhood innocence and whimsy that made it popular in the first place. Ocarina of Time played that card for the most part, but the game turned dark. And when they brought back the whimsy and adventure in Wind Waker, everyone complained about it. Then we got Twilight Princess, which no one can argue is a great game, but it feels more like a Zelda clone than a full fledged Zelda game. That's not necessarily bad, but it's just not the same. Here's to hoping whatever comes next doesn't consist of hours of traveling by train or boat, and takes itself a little less serious. When all is said and done, the Legend of Zelda for the NES (and whatever subsequent rereleases we've seen of it) is a game that ushered in a different way of thinking in games. It wasn't the first of it's kind, but it was by and large the best example of what games are capable of, and would be capable in the coming decades.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Games That Changed The World Vol. 1

And by "Changed The World" I mean MY world, because that's the only world that matters really. Your world sucks and you know it.


Mario? Check. Duck Hunt? Check. Free? FREE!

These days, a good deal in gaming is if you spend 60 dollars and the developers don't violate your private regions then steal your wallet and run away screaming. Mostly, when you get multipacks of games, you're getting compilations of games that they've long since either given up on or have long since made their money back on. Sure, there's some good deals out there, The Orange Box had one full length game, 2 episodic games, a fantastic and short spin-off title, and a an online only FPS game. It was a phenomenal deal. But for the most part, the pack in games that you get with a console are either tech demos (albeit fun ones) like Wii Sports, or just various game pack ins designed to keep costs up or a vain attempt at boosting sales. It's all good, but Nintendo seems to be one of those companies that when they put their mind to it, they do it right and they do it well.

Case in point. The Wii. A low end piece of hardware. Motion control wands is a good idea, but the hardware of the console itself lacks anything to get anybody excited about. Nintendo basically had to rely on their name and development studios to get them out of a console gutter. They've nailed down the handheld market. Even with serious competition like the PSP, Nintendo still maintained the tried and true fact that Nintendo is king in portable gaming. They need not worry about Japan. They know they'll buy the Wii. Here though. We're living in the Madden generation. The hottest properties are sports titles and FPS games. Not exactly Japans strong suits. Japan got Wii Play packed into their set. We ALL know about Wii Play. CLEARLY, considering it's one of the most bought games this generation. We however, got Wii Sports. A simple looking game, with simple design. Some of the games on the disc are almost broken to an extent. Boxing really has no rhyme or reason to it, and baseball is just, well. I don't know what it is, but it's barely baseball. And tennis plays more like a game of ping pong. Bowling and Golf pretty much made everybody on the planet want to own a Wii.

Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt eventually came packaged with the NES. Originally, it wasn't packaged with the muti cart. It wasn't until a couple years later that it came with Super Mario/Duck Hunt. It was probably one of the slickest pack ins ever. When you look back on it, it's funny. Mario seemed like a massive game, 8 long, peril filled worlds with secrets and awesome music and branching paths and all sorts of good stuff. But being able to fit it onto one cart with it and an equally awesome game, Duck Hunt, you realize how tiny most of these games really were.

On that cart, Duck Hunt was probably my most played. Mario created gamers, but Duck Hunt built onto Mario's foundation. Three games there on the game. 1 duck, 2 ducks, or skeet shooting. Of course it was easy as hell to cheat the system. Hold the Zapper up to a light bulb, or right up to the screen. It didn't matter though how easy it was to cheat. There weren't any unlockables or achievements. All you wanted to do is get as far as you could so you could brag. And the less you saw that dog the better. I could make a joke about shooting the dog or something, but I think we're all getting FAIRLY tired that running gag. Mario Bros./Duck Hunt is a game that needs no more discussion about. It's THE first game. Not in terms of videogames themselves, but as a product that bred a new breed of culture. Games went from being living room niceties, to being living room essentials.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Not Dead....

Trust me. I'm just lazy. I actually have three mostly done things ready to go. I'm just sort of compulsive when it comes to proofreading and getting that last paragraph JUST right. Something will be up in a few days.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Happy Punch-Out!! Release Week!

In honor of Nintendo's first Punch-Out game in ages, I figured it'd be fun to show you how "awesome" Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! can REALLY be given the right equipment. So be cautious, when you enter the Den Of Perils and Pringles, and watch this wonderful (read: shitty) video.


Friday, January 02, 2009

In Which I Choose The Best Games Of 2008

It's over. The year of 2008 has released a monstrous amount of great titles. And shit too, but the good outweighs the bad in most cases. Here are my picks for the best games released in 2008.

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11.) The World Ends With You
While this should be a top 10 list, I'd feel remissed not to mention at least one handheld game, so the official number 11 spot on my Top 10 list belongs to The World Ends With You. A fantastic and creative spin on the JRPG genre. It's almost as if it reinvented the whole genre with one tiny little game on a portable system. If you like RPGS, and own a DS, you must own this title. Now.


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10. No More Heroes
While the Wii has been without some notable titles for a while now, we can't ignore that most of the games worth playing were really frontloaded. Released way back in January, No More Heroes was a new Wii exclusive action game created by the insane mind of Suda51. Right now, I'm going to explain his nick name. His first name is Suda. His last name is Goichi. "Go" in Japan means 5, "ichi" means 1. Thusly, he gets a puntastic nickname. No More Heroes is a vile, gory, hilarious send up of action. You're main character uses a lightsaber like blade and when the battery starts to fade you have to shake it in a suggestive manner. It's a violent game with a heart of gold. A must own Wii exclusive title.

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9. Boom Blox
Another must own title that came out earlier in the year for the Wii as well. Think of it as Reverse Jenga. Blocks are stacked up high, you must destroy them. In some cases, you actually have to play normal Jenga too. It sounds simple enough, but it's a freaking blast to play, and keeps staying interesting. The Wii motion controls add a whole new element and actually work to it's benefit as opposed to hurting it like a lot of other games out there. It's hard to explain the game without playing it. Really, if you own a Wii, there is no excuse for not owning this game.

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8. Burnout Paradise
Burnout has always been a great franchise. I'd go out as far as to say that Burnout 3 is one of the top 10 games of both Xbox and PS2s life cycle. It was a phenomenal game that still stands up today. The games following didn't hold up quite as well, and Burnout Dominator, being the only non Criterion developed title, is the only one you could really say wasn't a great game anyways. HOWEVER, the reason Criterion didn't work on Dominator for the PS2 was because they had moved on to greener pastures. They were working on a whole new game for the new cutting edge consoles. Burnout Paradise left behind the menu system, and instead adopted the open world mentality of todays gaming and it works great. The only downside is that there is no restart option. But that's about to change. They have updated the game numerous times, at one point they made it so you can actually have the time change and add motorcycles. And now, there are even more free updates down the line, and we're even getting a restart option. In terms of racing, this year belongs to Burnout. Hands down.

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7. Audiosurf
Here's a little ditty of a title you may not know exists. Audiosurf is an independently developed game that was launched early this year. I purchased through Steam for just 10 dollars. The game is like a combination of F-Zero and puzzler KLAX. You take your song, yes YOUR song, as in anything without DRM on your hard drive, it maps the song, turns it into an audio visualizer you can drive on and you take your little ship and collect different colored pieces, "hot" and "cold" colors, for the best score possible by getting them in groups of three or more. Each ship has it's own special ability, and the game even tracks your high scores via a world wide leader board by song. It even includes the Orange Box soundtrack, so you can play along to Still Alive whenever you feel like it. For 10 dollars, I recommend you buy two copies, it's THAT good.

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6. Left 4 Dead
Everything I've read is a lie. The Zombie Survival Guide seemed like it would have prepared me for the zombie apocalypse. What the book didn't prepare me for, however, was the other side of the infestation. Me and three other movie stereotypes are destined to fight an ongoing string of the undead that move at incredible speed, and have varying super powers. They're either 800 pounds and spit on you, some have giant tongues that attempt to lynch you with it, are terrified of flashlights and will rip your face off if you scare them, can climb walls and pounce you like a cougar in heat, or are built like a fire truck. This book has wound up being useless. Instead, all I need is three competent friends and a lot of bullets. L4D is the best multiplayer game this year. You feel like you've accomplished something if you manage to survive your final onslaught. The story is nothing, but it doesn't matter, all that does matter is that you don't get two functionally retarded people that don't quite grasp the concept of teamwork, leaving you and a buddy alone to fight a Tank all by yourself on a helipad.

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5. Prince of Persia
A lot can be said about the Prince series. It's a decades(as in two....) old franchise that started out as a marvel, with it's brilliant rotoscoping to make it look like, by 1989 standards, that you were controlling a living, breathing, human being. His movements were fluid and realistic. It felt like he had weight to him and everything. Whether time has been gracious to the Price or not is up to you. Us as legitimate gamers all recognize that, even with flaws, Sands of Time was one of the best little games to come out during it's time frame. Now here we are in a new hardware generation. What do they do? They decide, why the hell give it a realistic look like Assassin's Creed? Sands of Time was their best work and it almost had a Disney quality to it. As the franchise god more brooding with it's sequels, interest waned. So they went with a more beautiful cell shaded quality to it's art. The results are breathtaking. While in terms of visuals, it may be one of the best games to look at. The details in the back ground, to the character models are all great. Some animations are better then others. It's nice to have the option to not even bother with the dialog if you don't even care. A lot can be said about the difficulty. You can't die in the traditional sense. Your partner, Elika, acts as a sort of checkpoint system. If you fall, using magic, she'll save you and bring you back to the last flat ground you were standing on. Sometimes it's not bad, other times it will make you throw a hissy fit if you fall. And you will fall. Calling this game easy because you can't doesn't make this game easy. You will "die." You WILL fall to certain doom, and you will start sequences over. There isn't even a trophy or achievement for "not dying," instead, it's an achievement dying less than ONE HUNDRED TIMES. Also, the combat system is great I feel. It's one-on-one situations. Boss fights are all about stringing together the best combo you can using the best possible option to your disposal. Sometimes the enemy will be resistant to throws, so you have not choice but to attack him with your sword, break his resistance to throws and start your combo from there. At the end of the day. Say what you will about the difficulty and the ending, the game is a god damn blast to play.

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4. Far Cry 2
A shocking entry from me. An entry that I didn't think I would even care about. I'm tired of your typical FPS title. This, however, is not your typical FPS title. Remember those complaints I had about GTA IVs sandbox in my biggest disappointments? Probably not, since I'm posting this after that on that same day, and you'll probably read this first. It doesn't matter. What does matter though is that I feel that the in a game like GTA IV, while it's an open world, when it comes to the GAME part of it, it feels like it's holding your hand all the way through. You really don't have much deviation, and in most cases, if you stray from the path it's almost a guaranteed fail. Far Cry 2 is in no way, shape, or form that kind of game. Oh, that's right. Far Cry 2 is an open world FPS. You're stranded in a nondescript, stylized Central Africa. You have malaria, so you have to pop your pills every literal half hour or so in real time or else they'll find you face down in the dry grass being raped by a boar. You basically take on the roll of a mercenary. You're initial intention, and overall objective is to take down a black market arms dealer, The Jackal. That's basically it story wise. You aren't given much hints. You progress through doing your typical go here and do that kind of missions. You can actually take on two missions at once, and it's up to you who's side you're going to align yourself with. Even if the missions themselves are lame, it's the law of the land that makes it exciting. There are guard outposts everywhere, very few cars, and lots and lots of grass. You can charge a outpost guns blazing and clean house, but it's sure to cause you some damage, and at least one health syringe. The best option is to sneak through the back door, crouched with your machete, and ambush. You actually feel as though your almost cheating the game at times. Although the game will also try and cheat you. If you don't buy your weapons, and just take them from the lifeless corpses you're leaving behind, you're in for some issues. They aren't well maintained, and chances are, in the heat of a fire fight, they're going to jam up on you. Oh? That rocket launcher? That rocket was bad. The rocket fell out of the tube, and is spinning wildly on the dry grass, igniting it then blowing up. Fire spreads too. At an alarming and realistic rate. If you get caught ins some dry grass, you're gonna get burned out. It'll also set off ammunition boxes. If you're wounded and are in the danger zone of your health, when you hit the heal button, you are treated to a delightfully gruesome animation of you fishing the bullet out with a pair of pliers or something to the liking of that. And there's a buddy system. If you maintain friendships, when you go down for the count, they'll come to your aid. But that one time. After that, you need to meet up with them again to ready them at a save house. Also, if they get injured, you have to help them. Because if you don't. They die. And not like "He died, but was nursed back to health, to meet him again, go to the bar" kind of die. I mean, you will never see that dude again. Sometimes.....you won't be able to help. So you will have no choice but to take your pistol to his head to put him out of his misery. God damn this game is good. I'm gonna stop typing and go play it right now....

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3. Fallout 3
I can't lie to you people. I'm not very far at all into Fallout 3. That doesn't mean it's not awesome. The presentation. The visuals. The RPG elements, the VATS system. Everything about this game is so painstakingly designed, you can't help but appreciate the level of awesomeness this game presents. I can't say much else in terms of what to say about this game. Unlike Far Cry 2, everyone knows this game is awesome. There is nothing else I can say that could possibly sway your opinion on it.

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2. LittleBigPlanet
You know what made Super Mario Bros. a fun game? It obviously wasn't the intricate story line. The hours of painstaking attention to detail. It was fun because it was. Plain and simple. The character designs were quirky, and the levels were lovingly designed to be tests. They were designed to beat you. That's what makes LittleBigPlanet my second favorite game of the year. LittleBigPlanet takes a stupid premise of "this is planet where everyones imaginations run wild" and that's why it exists, because as humans, we dream at night, and turns it into a romping great time. There is a story mode, but you don't give two shits. You only play through that to unlock design stuff. The meat and potatoes of LBP is the level creator. You can create basically whatever the hell you want. The developers have given you all of their level design tools. The levels they made, can be made with the tool set presented in game. You don't have to make shit if you don't want to though. You can mooch off of the hard work of others. All you do is go to the community section on the main menu, and choose any god damn level you want. There are generic platformers. Mario clones. Sonic clones. Racing games. Roller coasters. Star Wars. Sword fights. At one point a real working R-Type. Pinball. Pachinko. Puzzle games. Tetris. There is even a god damn real working calculator that will make you question what the hell YOU'RE doing with YOU'RE time if this guy can figure out how to get a calculator up and running with some switches, pieces of wood, and twine.

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1. Metal Gear Solid 4
It's fucking Metal Gear Solid. In fact. The fourth one. The last one. The story actually wraps up. I've never had a problem following the story. Although apparently a lot of people do. This game wraps it up. Granted, the cutscenes are 45 minutes, but it wraps it up. And in terms of gameplay, this is the best Metal Gear has ever felt. Everything is fluid and great. Sneaking is as essential as ever, and much more than just "hide in this conveniently placed shadow!" It's great to see old faces, wrap up loose ends, and has one of the most satisfying endings in history with the games "epilogue." Plus, Act 4 is probably one of the most epic and amazing stages ever designed.



HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Mega Man IX, the game that reminded us that we suck.
Call of Duty World at War, the game that reminded me that war sucks. Especially in the 40s.
Bionic Commando Rearmed, the game that reminded why I hated this game as a kid
Mirrors Edge, proof of concept
Smackdown '09, the little wrestling game that made me believe again
Dead Space, proof that horror games can actually be scary AND good AND American
Saints Row 2, proof that being a criminal doesn't have to be full of moral decisions.
Smash Bros. Brawl, proof that Nintendo CAN make something good if they actually try.
Battlefield Bad Company, proof that you don't have to be Call of Duty
Space Invaders Extreme, proof that retro can still be awesome if you don't fuck with it.
Quantum of Solace, proof that movies games don't have to be masterpieces
Braid, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Tales of Vesperia, proof that we don't need Square.
Professor Layton, proof that I'm an idiot.