Tuesday, July 15, 2008

VidArm is Proud To Present A New Format!

Released to the Press, July 15th, 2008


SEATTLE,WA-As you are all well aware, this week marks E3, this countries largest expo for the gaming industry to show of their newest creations to the world and lay out what to expect in the next year in terms of the industry. Among some of the largest announcements include Microsoft giving the Xbox are massive dashboard update altering the look entirely and integrating a Nintendo Mii like Avatar system and changing the menus to look similar a console that should only have one button on the controller. On Sony's Side, they showed off more Resistance 2, LittleBigPlanet, and Home. All of which have been seen previously before, many times over. Also announced was a brand new video service that would allow you to rent, buy, watch, and transfer to the PSP, various movies, similar to what the Xbox has been doing for all this time now. And to round things out, Nintendo showed of their various wares. Which includes such stand out titles as the Animal Crossing game everyone new that was being developed, a microphone that should have shipped with the console, a game that's called Wii Sports only so they could actually sell it to the public, and of course, their Pièce de résistance, Wii Music that's been seen since the dawn of Wii, only now you get fifty instruments to play in the air that don't actually appear to work quite right and has no real discernible gameplay value other than to swing around to simulate music. So with this, Video Armageddon would like to introduce to you the newest direction of the blog. We are going to become an independent reviewer of woodworking tools.




--John J. Holder

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

BREAKING: SEGA RE-ENTERS HARDWARE MARKET






* Plug & play on TV
* 20 built-in 16-bit SEGA licensed games
* Supports RedKid cartridge
* Plays original Mega Drive & Genesis games
* TV out connection
* TV format: NTSC
* Official product, containing games authorized by SEGA

The Sega Mega Drive Twin Pad Player from Sega's official China distributor AtGames brings back all the memories of Sega's 16bit era. This official product does not only feature twenty hot built-in Mega Drive games, but also plays all original Sega Mega Drive (Japanese) and Sega Genesis (US) games. Further included in the package are two six-button joypads, AV cable and instructions sheet.

List of built-in games:

Alien Storm
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Altered Beast
Arrow Flash
Columns III
Crack Down
Decap Attack
Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine
Ecco
Ecco Jr.
ESWAT: City Under Siege
Flicky
Gain Ground
Golden Axe
Jewel Master
Kid Chameleon
Shadow Dancer
Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball

Stay tuned to Video Armageddon for further developments.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Double J Presents: A Study in Hyperbole: GTA IV Reviews

Photo: Gamerankings.com


The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been around for years. It's over a decade by this point. I have been somewhat of a franchise fan since it's start. GTA on the PC/PSX were fun little games for their time, as were it's expansion of sequel. Outlandish, funny, and juvenile, the games let you live out your wild fantasies as a thug and criminal. Stealing cars, killing innocents, cops, and gangsters, the game were far from the usual item of the day on the menu. It's biggest downfall the reason the franchise wasn't a success was because of it's fairly sad graphics and it's overall gameplay was pretty much a lame duck. The series seemed to fall under the category of ahead of it's time, destined to be nothing more than a cult classic from an era dominated by fairly massive adventures like MGS, the Final Fantasy titles, Legend of Zelda and others. Something important happened to the franchise though. The PS2 is the best thing to happen to the gaming world in years. It's massive install base and "ahead of it's time" hardware, the PS2 opened many closed doors to developers. GTA was able to go 3D finally. Gone was the craptacular top down view....well, not gone, it was still there, but not the default view. Jesus Christ....I'm really getting off track here. This was supposed to be a look into the reviews for GTA IV, not a history of sandbox open world gaming. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. Alright. GTA IV was released. That's the point. Well...not the point per se. The real point is about the REVIEWS of GTA IV. There is no denying it. GTA IV is awesome. And an awesome game should get great reviews. But the real question is: Does it deserve THE BEST reviews, or is it a hype machine that so powerful backed up by a brilliant marketing strategy of nothingness? From here on out, I'm going to include some samples of reviews and comment on them. A lot of publications and sites try to hide by saying things like "a perfect score doesn't mean it's perfect" which would be acceptable if this were a 5 point scale, but on a 10 point scale with fractals and a letter grading scale, that's where we get into issues. Fuck you EGM. An A+ means perfect. You can't get a 100% percent with a wrong answer or two, and GTA has it's wrong answers. You even talk about them in your god damn reviews. This isn't so much an attack on the reviewers themselves, as it is at the concept of reviews in general and the apparent need to quantify something with a number or grade, thusly negating having to read anything at all. So, without any further ado, here is where things start getting dirty...



Okay I lied. Not yet. I'm not going after GTAIV. Really I'm going after the constant need we have to quantify everything. Whether it be from movies, music, games and even food, we have to grade it. It's an asinine system we've been accustomed to. People spend hours writing reviews and you just skip right to the end and make your decision from there. A game could get a fairly low score, but could still get talked about glowingly but still share some issues. But you don't know that because it got a six and that's all you read. And there is something else. If you can ramble on about a game for 6 pages and then be able to sum up the ENTIRE review in a single paragraph in a "closing comments" section, you review is useless and void. It's bullshit.


A "10" is not a score we give out very often. In fact, the last time we gave a 10 to a console game was Soul Calibur in 1999. A 10 doesn't mean a game is perfect -- it means a game is pushing boundaries, expanding a genre, and doing many things to a level so far above and beyond its competitors that they overshadows any flaws. Certainly, GTA IV has some issues, the most noticeable being the occasional flaw in the cover system, but there are many more pieces of GTA IV that are better than anything I've seen from a game in the past decade. We don't give 10s often -- just to games that merit the score.
---IGN

That there is the IGN review in the closing comments and shows the dangerous trend of "a 10 is not perfect." You have a 10 point scale. Much like a googol in numbers or absolute zero in temperature, they are there as placeholders, theoretical in nature. You can't personally reach them. They can never theoretically be and will never give a game a zero. As long as the game works. You put it in, turn it on, it boots up and the controller controls the game not matter how awful it may be, the game is above zero. Much like 10. A ten, on a scale designed to break down in to fractals that includes .1-.9's, like that would have to be utter perfection. You can start with a 10, but the second you have a complaint about something you have to tick down at least a .1 on the scale. This is what I mean by hyperbole. It's a fantastic game, there is NO doubt there. But it's far from "highest on a rating scale" perfect. Also, if you read, you'll notice a common trend of talking about the story, but seeming devoid of any in depth discussion of the actual missions. Likely because they are the same as they've ever been which can range from entertaining to dreadful. Sure, they cover the exciting ones in their review like the bank robbery, but as to expected in a TEN! review, they fail to point out that the missions for the most part haven't evolved since GTAIII. Take this guy here, race this guy, drive to this point and kill those guys, get that car and put it in that garage. Doesn't mean it can't be fun, but it's pretty much universally accepted that races are bullshit.


I do wish that Rockstar had added checkpoints in the multistage missions to cut down on the grunt work of frustrating retries. GTA4 also suffers from those little things that have always plagued the series, such as sudden pop-in of objects in the environment and the occasional repetition of car models in your immediate vicinity.
---1UP.com
1UP(EGM) gave the game an A+. I'm sorry. While in area's an A+ generally refers to a simple phenomenal presentation, it's the best you could can receive. While in actuality it may not MEAN 100% it is more than implied that the work is flawless. There is a more than likely chance you've received a paper before with a letter grade on it, and unless that paper was 100% correct in every facet, you didn't get an A+. An A is nothing to sneeze about. It may sound like I'm being less critical of the letter grade system, when in actuality I'm most critical of the system. It's a pointless, uninformative system that offers little in terms of actual information you can use. It is the most common system it seems to speak in hyperbole for since it's such a small scale (while, in theory it's the largest since it's all based on a 100% number scale), you can over exaggerate to get your point across. If you don't think the game is great, you can give it an F and people will understand and keep away, think it's phenomenal, you give it an A+, even if the title has it's shares of faults and errors. You can read pretty much any review from 1Up, EGM, Game Revolution, anything and realize that in some cases their reviews sound every bit as glowing as a review for GTA IV and only get a B+ or a regular A. There is no rhyme or reason to the actual break down of the scale at times it seems. It's just a fact that a game that's hyped and delivers is more likely to receive a much higher rating than a phenomenal game that isn't on the worlds "must own" list.


I'm not trying to beat down the reviewing community, they're doing their jobs and in several cases they are doing fantastic jobs at it. We have this unhealthy dependence on needing to have everything wrapped up for is in a nice, tight, clean package so that the rest of the actual useful and insightful data is thrown right out the window and we see that graphics get an 8 and sound design gets a 10 and the overall score (which isn't an average by the way, whatever the fuck that's about) is a 7. It's coming up on 2 months since GTA IV, one of the two MOST hyped games for 2008, the game was receiving perfect scores across the board and the honeymoon is over. Reading through any message or listening to any podcast will inform you of these facts. The Perfect 10 GTA isn't so perfect after all, the "next-gen" new game smell has worn off and we're left with a game that is identical, if not less in some cases, as any other non-10 GTA title. This is where the reviewing system has failed us miserably.


Friday, May 30, 2008

VA's Book Of The Month Club

Yes! Books, for the uninformed are linear text based adventures. While they rarely offer branching paths or multiple endings (save for the critically acclaimed Choose Your Own Adventure franchise), these parchment based textular affairs offer hours entertainment with moderate replay value. There is one in particular I want to share with you:




The Masters Of Doom is probably one of the most interesting non-fictional stories I've read in quite a while. The story of the Two Johns is so interesting, and "seeing" the studio id evolve and then proceed to unfurl is fascinating and makes for a great book. John Carmack is probably one of the most influential and important American game designers easily in the past 20 years. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a passing interest in gaming or design. Honestly and seriously, this book is an extremely entertaining read and should be read by every literate gamer. The story of id is something else and deserves to be told. Whether you like their games or not, they are an extremely important part of our generation and should be remembered that way, regardless of what bullshit they do or have done.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Update #2: DK Jr. Still Missing New E-Mail

From: me
Posted At: 11:30:43.000 05/13/2008
Posted To: Nintendo
Subject: Webform: Software Related > Other

What happened to Donkey Kong Junior? Where has he been?



Hello,


I'm afraid there isn't an answer to your question about Donkey Kong Jr. Nintendo excels at making sure our fans can get backstory information, character descriptions, and--most importantly--the information they require to complete the games that we publish. This can happen through our website (www.nintendo.com), Player's Guides, and Nintendo Power magazine.

Having said that, many details about our games will remain mysteries, left to the active imagination of the player.
Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.
Kurt Wagner

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529

-----


They're hiding something my fellow game players. Don't let them get away with this. E-Mail them relentlessly.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Thursday, May 01, 2008

I LOVE GLOVER!



Do you remember Glover? Of course you remember Glover, the greatest game of the fifth generation of video games! A lot of people didn't appreciate this game. Why? Because they're gay, that's why. Gays who overcompensate for their lack of manhood. Go back to your murder simulators, your blood and gore generators and LEAVE GLOVER ALONE.




WAIT THAT'S NOT GLOVER


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a letter!

My dearest Glover,

How are doing my angel?

Sweetie, I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful part of my life. Whenever I think of you I melt and get a fuzzy feeling on the inside. There's just something about you which I can't help liking.

What manner of creature can resist your mysterious black eyes which swirl like whirlpools and flash like lightning whenever I say something silly to you.

I really do love our bonding sessions on the couch. I think its so wonderful when me and you sit there and just talk about anything, and even watch a DVD together. Although I must admit I really do find it funny when you tell me one of your boring dirty jokes and I pretend its funny and giggle.

You know I've always loved your gorgeous legs and I can't wait to see you again so I can drool like an idiot over your legs and make a complete fool out of myself in public as always. I think its great how you just roll your eyes upwards whenever I do that, and politely smile at me. Oh how I do love those charming little habits of yours!

My thoughts are always with you, my glove!

I love you now and forever,

me

oxoxo





THAT'S NOT GLOVER EITHER SILLY


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a poem!

Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey





NOPE STILL NOT GLOVER


I love Glover so much, I wrote him a song!

Take Me Away (Oh Glover) [Featuring Emmylou Harris and Buckethead]

The day that I met you I lost a piece of my heart.
Now I've got you here, nothing's going to keep us apart.
I don't have to worry, I don't have to hurry now.
You are all I need. I know we can make it somehow.
We're making a breakthrough, heading for a fall
Glover, how can I make you see me at all?

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away

*Buckethead solo*

Trouble to the left, danger to the right; I feel it all around.
As long as you are near, there's no need to fear, and I won't back down.
I know you're the answer to all of my dreams.
Now that we're together, birds of a feather, we're the perfect team.

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away



I love Glover so much, I drew him a picture!



I LOVE GLOVER!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

VA album review: Bad Hair day

Weird Al is one of those artists you either love or hate. Me, I love his stuff, which for me started with 'Dare to Be Stupid' from the Transformers Movie soundtrack (the good one).



Seeing as how the mid to late 90's was an excellent time for music, it came as no surprise in 1996 when Weird Al would release his ninth studio album 'Bad Hair Day' and parody said excellent music. Considering that there are 12 songs on the album, I'll just cover my favorites.

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The driving force of the album (and cover) was Al's spoof of Coolio's hard hitting 'Gangsta's Paradise', titles 'Amish Paradise', where he makes light of the Amish culture. When he somehow weaves the chorus of the Gilligan's Island theme into the song, I lose it everytime. Personally, it's my second favorite song off the album, and one of his most popular hits:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Uj-JflMMKpk


'Cavity Search' is based off U2's 'Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me' Originally he was going to spoof 'Numb', and spin it into the song 'Green Eggs and Ham', but the estate of Dr. Seuss put the nix on it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2U-WxYmv4UQ&feature=related


My personal favorite off the album, is 'Alternative Polka' which is a medley of some of the most popular alternative hits of the times accompanied by an accordion, ranging from Beck's 'Loser', to 'Blackhole Sun' from Soundgarden. No parody here, he does the songs lyric for lyric, but it's the way he does them is what makes it for me:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ni632sTHZWU&feature=related

'Since You've Been Gone' is a very short, and kinda cute breakup song. It carries more weight if you've ever been dumped:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4x0jcfIN-pU

'Gump' is a parody of Presidents of the United States 'Lump' which pokes fun at Forrest Gump. It's one of the best songs on the album, simply because no remembers the Presidents of the United States. They aren't coming back, not even in pog form:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Efyx8gfuaB4


'I Remember Larry' is another Weird Al original, where describes an asshole neighbor making his life a living hell. The way Al does it straight, makes the song, especially the end:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wP4ahXgRUik


'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is one of the forgotten Weird Al songs, but it's also one of his best. As the title suggests, it's about Santa going postal, and it's pretty graphic. It's easily one of his sickest songs, but shame on you if you don't laugh your ass off:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HTGlUMvbhSw

Overall, this is one of his best. there was a period when Al kinda faded out of the spotlight, and I kinda consider this his comeback album.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

UPDATE: DK Jr. And Nintendo.

Here we go, another part in my ongoing saga to have Donkey Kong Jr. remembered and returned as a full fledged member of the Kong and Nintendo family. I wrote Nintendo this nice email the other day:


Dear Nintendo,

I have an important question that has been haunting me for years now. In 1994, Rare introduced a new character into the Nintendo family and that is Diddy Kong. That's good and all, and it's nice to see Diddy Kong in Smash Bros. Brawl. However this leads to one very important question. Something that I find disturbing. Where has Donkey Kong's son, Donkey Kong Jr., gone? There is contradicting evidence that can prove either way that DK Jr. either is or is not the current Donkey Kong, and I think we deserve an official answer. Thank you.


Surely this will get the answers I've been long searching for. Today will be a glorious day. Nintendo can no longer run and hide from their past, they have to face it head on. So now, here is their Email.



Thank you for contacting Nintendo,


While I appreciate your enthusiasm and interest in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, there is no additional information I can provide beyond what has been revealed on the official Super Smash Bros. Brawl website (http://www.smashbros.com/). It's worth noting that there are still many things about this game that haven't yet been revealed and that the website is regularly updated with new information, so check there often!

Thank you for your e-mail.

Nintendo of America Inc.
Dale Thompson

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529


...



...



GOD DAMNIT! You win this god damn round Nintendo. Fuckers. But you can only hide from me and people for so long. Eventually you are going to have to face your past and your demons and sins.



Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A Deadly Battle: Diddy Kong Vs. Donkey Kong Jr.

I've been stewing about this tonight while playing some older games. Something happened a while ago, and it really bothers me. And what bothers me more is the fact that we are allowing this happen, with little or no regard to the lost soldier in the 16-bit era that we have never heard from again. You all sicken me. You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourselves. Don't worry, I'll wait here while you whip yourselves.


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That's probably you. Sitting there. Playing Donkey Kong Jr. That prick they call Mario. He kidnapped your dad, and guess what, that shit don't fly with you. He's treating him like King Kong, only instead of destroying most of 1930s Manhattan in a blind rage, he just gets locked in a cage. You swing from vine to vine trying to save his bad ass because I guess Mario must have drugged him or something. It's unclear really.


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So there you are. Nothing exciting there. Donkey is literally unchanged since the last time you saw him and you dropped him on his skull, ultimately leaving him functionally retarded, which we'll get to later.


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LOOK! He had his own cross branded cereal. Which apparently came with a sleeve of Pez candies inside. I miss that. I loved getting candy in my cereal. It happened all the time. Why not balance out that sugar coated sugar filled puffed corn ball with a packet of Skittles? Seems like common sense to me! And now, we are trying to ban Tony the Tiger from our air waves. 200x sucks.




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Nothing funny to add here or of any real importance other than to show how much of a prick Mario really is. Look. He is trying to kill DK! WITH A HAMMER! WHILE HE HOLDS HIS GOD DAMN CHILD! God bless DK Jr. for keeping a positive outlook on the whole situation while his papa gets knocked into an asylum.


Something happened though. You see, the sixteen bit era had started. And Nintendo decided that the Donkey Kong franchise needed to reach the next level. So the obvious choice was to farm it out to a developer and have them turn it into a side scrolling platformer. That's when these guys came in:



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We seem to hold Rareware in a rather high regard. We made the mistake of thinking it was a big deal when Microsoft bought them out. All they have to show for it is a remake on an N64 game, a mediocre sequel to a mediocre FPS that tried to be a previous successful game that was on the N64, Grabbed By The Ghoulies and Viva Pinata. I'd put the accent mark in that word, but I don't know it, and don't care to learn it. Anyways. Outside of Nintendo Projects in the early and mid 90s, Rare is a company that seems to be scared to make games. Conker, is exactly like Donkey Kong 64, which is exactly like the Banjo series, which is just an updated 3D world version of the side scrolling SNES games they made. I'm not saying they are a terrible developer, Goldeneye is fantastic, the Star Fox they did was alright (at best) , as is the DKC games in general, but for whatever reason, we hold them in a higher regard than we should. Back on schedule. Rareware turned DK into this:




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A big lumbering doofus. Wearing a necktie. Yeah, that's the next logical step. From Nintendo's big bad guy that kidnaps girlfriends, to a platforming oaf that just wants his bananas. Hooray! But that's not the worst of it. Something else changed. Donkey Kong seemed to changed a little too much.




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That? That's Diddy Kong. DKs sidekick and apparent nephew. The original plan was to have Diddy be Donkey Kong Jr. But the character change was too drastic for Nintendo's liking, so they gave them the choice. Either make him look more like DK Jr. or change his name. They changed his name. And now, several Donkey Kong games, a shitty kart game, and a playable in Smash Bros. later, he's here to stay. With no mention of DK Jr. outside of a trophy in Smash Bros. Melee. What happened to him? Where did he go? Did Mario snuff him out? From what I heard, he went on to teach remedial math for a middle school in Redmond. So, for you DK Jr., where ever you may have gone, this is to you buddy, and I hope to see you again soon.



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Friday, September 07, 2007

The Sharpie Conundrum

It's a strange phenomenon. I know, you don't know really what to make of it. It's weird. Don't worry in thinking that, because it is weird. Something compels kids to do this. Little Timmy is scared. Scared of what? I know you're thinking that. What is little Timmy scared of. What the hell is this little bastard thinking?




Look at him. He's in deep thought. What is he thinking about? What the hell is running through this young kids mind back in 1991? I mean, sure, look, he's got some paper in front of him with a pencil on it, but he's not thinking about work, if he was, he'd at least be holding the god damn pencil prentending to be doing something while his half retarded brain tries to figure out which one is the oldest sister in one of those brain teaser math problems teachers give to kids in order to watch them suffer. No no, he's thinking about what's most important in life. Video Games. See, I know what you're thinking you little fucker.



There you go. Thinking about an NES game. I knew it. He probably just got The Legend of Zelda yesterday and can't wait to show Joey it, because he's a dick like that. He likes showing off to his poor friends who can only afford to buy VCS games at a pawn shop. What an asshole. But what the fuck is that other thing? Is that a fucking marker? What the hell does a marker have to do with anything?



YOU COCK SMOKER! What the hell are you doing? I'm sure if you read this site, you've purchased an old NES or SNES game in the past 5 years. Kids seemed to have knack for writing their names on the games they owned. I seem to have at least 5 that have someones first or last name on them. One of them I'm almost certain appears to have a phone number on it. Here's the Double J Greater Gaming Sharpie Theorem.



Apparently, the writing of your name on the back or front of a NES game prohibits your friends from using the game on their system or stealing it for a test drive. It just further goes to show, kids were retards and the schools are doing nothing. It's why we have to have signs in front of schools to tell us kids are nearby so we don't run over them, because apparently, the complexity of a crosswalk is too much for a five year old to handle.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Time wasters: Wrestlemania Instruction Booklet for the NES

Remember back in the glory days of the video gaming, where you'd get a new game, and you'd be so excited, that you'd sit in the backseat, and read the instruction manual determined you were going to master your new treasure? Most instruction booklets were fairly simple and straight forward, with a dash of tongue in cheek humor. And then you have this:




The most off the wall instruction booklet ever. Wrestlemania: Featuring HULK FUCKING HOGAN and some other assholes. I guess Acclaim figured that the Hulkster and his disdain for t-shirts was enough to sell the game. Oh well.




Now, I don't know what the hell happened to this booklet in the 19 years that I've had it, but apparently I wiped my ass with it at some point, or dipped it in au jus. Maybe both, and not necessarily in that order. But look kids, you can be anything you want to be, and surprise people with elbow sandwiches! "Hey Mike, I thought you might be hungry, so I picked you up an elbow sandwich at Arby's, also I think I'm going back to school, and get my degree."




Jesus Christ. I know this page was and is a standard in all instruction booklets, but it is really necessary to number them? I picture some dull witted kid with his finger wavering over the power button, while alternately glancing at the booklet, and back at the NES. Finally he's inserted his cartridge, but there's a moment of hesitation, what if I missed a step? Finally he soldiers on, and takes the plunge.

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HOLY FUCK! An "awesome picture" of Hulk Hogan, and his sole purpose in life is to get all up in your shit! Define awesome, and I'm pretty sure your answer won't be "roughly resembling sidewalk art."




Here's where the booklet writers got too fancy for their own good. Why did they italicize 'mistake'? That makes it sound sinister. "I think No Balls has been ratting to the cops, Numbers, I want you to take him hunting, and mistakehim for a quail, if you know what I mean." And "Rub"? Why not the more universal "del"? Thanks a pantload, my mom is gonna walk by my room hearing the sound of loud clacking and swearing, and what do I tell her when she knocks on the door? That I'm rubbing things out?





You may think you're ready for movin' around, but baby steps my friend, baby steps. Walking Mode and Running Mode. Hmmm. Shit, I'm going to sell motivational CD's based entirely on those two statements. " A lot of people are stuck in walking mode, and they never get anywhere in life because they keep pushing in between the arrows, pressing, not holding the arrows, and never daring to hold the A button that is their dreams." Or maybe I'm reading too much into a piss stained video game booklet. You decide!





Holy God. One thing you should know about this game, is that it had some of the most cumbersome controls ever, and this illustrates that. Look at that shit, it's like I'm reading the periodic tables of elements. But hey, atleast now you know the atomic number for a giant fucking foot. Oh and guess what? Unlike most wrestling games where the same pinning controls pretty much apply to everyone, this game makes you look that shit up. B + UP over Down?

What the fuck, fractions? Am I supposed to add B to Up, and multiply that by down, or see how many Up Downnths will divide into B?




Wow I loved Golden X, Death Adder was a pain in the ass to beat on arcade though. Acclaim clearly didn't want to say it was a cross, eventhough that's clearly what Hogan's symbol is. Too bad Christ wasn't crucified on a pair of giant shades, and then we wouldn't have this problem.



Mercifully we near the end, but not without this little nugget of joy. Apparently Ted Dibiase's sole mission in life, was to pay people to do disgusting things. I have this mental image of Dibiase sitting on his bed in a dimly lit Motel 6 watching a female midget eat creamed corn out of a quadriplegic's asshole. I wonder how he gets away with tha...$$$$

So remember kids, pressing in between the keys never got anyone anywhere, right Bam Bam?

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

Playin’ in the sandbox: 25th Anniversary GI Joes part 1

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"Teaching you how not to kill yourself since 1982"

To continue with my trend of reviewing figures based on 1980's properties, I decided to cover one of the most sucessful lines ever. So sucessful, that it's survived in some form or another for the past 25 years.

I'm speaking of course of GI Joe: Real American Hero. While the GI Joe license has been around since the 60's, RAH didn't come onto the scene until 1982. Hasbro borrowed heavily from Kenner's monster Star Wars line, by choosing 3 3/4 inch action figures, and appropriately sized vehicles and playsets. But the Joes would need something else to make them stand out among a sea of action figures, and that's where Larry Hama came in.

Hama had been flying under the radar at Marvel Comics as a mid-level writer, and had recently pitched an idea to his superiors about a comic centering around an elite special mission force, only to have it rejected. When Hasbro came knocking, looking to Marvel for a comic to support the toyline, Hama was the guy that drew the short straw, due to the fact that every other writer in the company had turned it down.

Hama used his rejected idea as a backstory for the Joes, and based the characters on people he had met during his tour of duty in Vietnam. Hasbro was so impressed with Hama's work, they asked him to flesh out each character bio on the figure packaging, in the form of dossier cards, which kids could cut out and save. The rest as they say, is history.

With all that in mind, I was more than a little excited when I learned that Hasbro would pay tribute to the line, in special 25th anniversary figures. Now I should preface but saying these aren't re-releases of earlier figures, but rather all new sculpts loosely based on the original figures.

First up, we take a look at one of the more iconic characters not only in the GI Joe universe, but in pop culture itself.

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Good old Double C himself, the raspy voiced comedic foil, Cobra Commander. First thing you'll notice, is that Hasbro pulled out all the stops here, recreating the original packaging down to the smallest detail. In fact the only noticeable difference is a silver tint to the stripes, and the 25th anniversary logo in the right hand corner.

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Accessory-wise, Cobra Commander isn't going to blow you away. He comes with a sidearm, and a base, and yes, the old school cut out dossier card. Not really an issue for me, because the Cobra Commander wasn't known for wielding a ton of weapons. Not only do these differ in appearance from the original line, but the plastic and articulation are also different. If you recall, the original line had a more metallic feel, and a slight heavyness to them. That's no longer the case, as these have a much lighter plastic material. Also, the famous O-ring used to connect the figure at the waist is gone, since the entire torso is now one solid piece.

This is only one version of Cobra Commander. There is another in Cobra five pack, where he's wearing his helmet and faceplate. Depending on your preference, you lean more toward that one.

Up next is one my hands down favorite GI Joe character ever.

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The stealth ninja Snake Eyes was a fan favorite of a lot of boys during the line's peak, and to this day, he has maintained a loyal fan base. Again, like CC, the packaging is virtually unchanged.

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Now while Cobra Commander lacked in accessories, Snake Eyes does a lot better. In an effort to recreate the original figure, Hasbro included his pet wolf Timber, who I have to admit, I know little about, but he is a nice bonus. Snake Eyes also comes with his trademark kitana sword, and uzi, and a hunting knife, in addition to the base and dossier card. Much like the original line, the hands on these guys are pre-sculpted so they should be able to hold their weapons easily.

Again, like Cobra Commander, there is another version of Snake Eyes in a five pack boxed set, in a more familiar look.

So I got Snake Eyes, and you can't have Snake Eyes without this guy:

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Now this version of Storm Shadow features his look when he was a part of GI Joe. Again, like the other two, there is another version of Storm Shadow in a five pack, that version in his Cobra gear.

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Storm Shadow blows the other two figure away in the accessory department, because he has a bunch of them. He comes with two kitana swords, a knife, a bow and arrow, and of course the base and dossier card. If you're up to it, he has a quiver, and duel scabbards on his back that are also removable.

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The back of the packaging hints at future waves with silhouettes, and a cursory glance will tell you we're getting another Snake Eyes, Serpentor, and Ship Wreck at some point. And if I were a betting man, I'd put money on there being some vehicles and playsets on the horizon.

Overall, I'm pleased with these, and I think they're a nice tribute to one of the best toylines of all time. I do have a few complaints, namely the lack of double jointed knees and elbows, and they're more expensive this time around, clocking in at about 5 and a half bucks a piece, they aren't as cheap as they were, but then again, it's not 1987 anymore. If you're a fan of the old show or toyline, I'd recommend picking a couple of them up.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Children’s Letters to Pac-Man

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1983. Giovanni Vigliotto goes on trial for multiple counts of bigamy involving 105 women. M*A*S*H ends after 11 years and 251 episodes on CBS. Return of the Jedi opens in the United States. Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space, on the Space Shuttle Challenger. President Ronald Reagan makes his initial proposal to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles. McDonald's introduces the McNugget. And, of course, the video games industry collapses under itself after the release of E.T. on the Atari 2600.

In the meantime, kids write letters to Pac-Man.

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Saturday, June 30, 2007

AUDIO ARMAGEDDON: RABBIT FUR COAT



Oh, that Jenny Lewis. Gone are the carefree days of making out with Fred Savage and getting felt up by creepy old men. J-Lew's all grown'd up now, and she's a rockstar.

But before I continue on with this review, I feel we should all get something out of our systems first.



Now that that's out of the way, I'll continue. I'm normally not a fan of recently released music, but last year, this album really caught my attention. I'll admit, I wouldn't have given a frog's fat ass about Jenny Lewis had she not been in the greatest film of all time, The Wizard (now available on DVD!) starring the adorable Fred Savage. I hope Ms. Lewis isn't resentful about starring in a Fred Savage movie about Nintendo, because I guarantee you it helped her career more than it ever could've hurt it.

Anyways, I just finally got around to purchasing this album, and I'm pleasantly surprised. The vocals are hauntingly beautiful. I mean, it's the stuff that will make the hair on your balls stand up and slap you in the face. The entire vibe of the record is just beautiful. It's like country, without the twangy vocals that, sorry to say, went out of style long ago.

When I first popped this album in, I wasn't really sure what to expect. It was either going to blow, or it was going to be fantastic. Now, there are a couple of stinkers, but the majority of the album is absolutely delightful. I'll review a few highlights.

The album opens with a track called Run Devil Run. Albeit a tad boring, it's certainly a good opener. The album really kicks off with The Big Guns, which harkens back to bouncy folk music of the 60s and 70s, such as The Beatles' Rubber Soul.

The next song, Rise Up With Fists, definitely has a country sound. I'm reminded of greats such as Tammy Wynette and Loretta Lynn.

Next is Happy, which is instantly in my top 10 songs ever. It's just heavenly. It reminds me of the LonLon Ranch theme from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. This song must be heard to be believed, although the end of the song seems to borrow a few guitar melodies from Willie Nelson's Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain. But hey, it's a good sound, why the hell not?

Next up is The Charging Sky and Melt Your Heart, followed by You Are What You Love. All three are just peachy. The title track, Rabbit Fur Coat, is one of the only two stinkers on the album. It's cute the first couple of times, but it gets incredibly boring.

It seems they were ballsy enough to cover the Travelling Wilburys song, Handle with Care. I'm sorry, but this is one of those songs that shouldn't be covered, ever. J-Lew and the Watson Twins could've sang the entire song themselves and kept up with the theme of a female driven album, but no, they had to bring in a couple of "all-star" indie dipshits who are very obviously trying to replicate Roy Orbison and Bob Dylan. It can't be done, but they get points for trying.

Anyway, minor gripe aside, next is Born Secular, a smokey bar room piano ballad, and It Wasn't Me, which does a good job of closing the album. The record ends with a fantastic reprise of Happy, and it couldn't have ended a better way. All in all, I give this album 9 out of 10 Power Gloves. Best album of 2006, although that ain't saying much.