Video Armageddon: Way Past Cool

You're The Best.....AROUND. DSiWare Edition

2011-05-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

DSiWare isn't something that gets a ton of media attention. Once in a while a game will pop up that you'll see a review on but usually it goes from Nintendo press release to the ether and you'll never know about. But not me, I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff. And that's why I have compiled this list of my favorite DSiWare games in no particular order except where I tell you the specific order.

Soul of Darkness:
Imagine a Castlevania GBA game stripped of any and all references to being a Castlevania game and you have Soul of Darkness. A *shudders* "Metroidvania" game that doesn't so much pay homage to Castlevanias GBA outings as it does just completely rip them off and make them shorter for the app game experience. Everything is there. New weapons, magical attacks, gothic imagery. For five bucks and being from Gameloft, and lot of time and care was actually put into making a really great budget Castlevania clone.

DigiDrive:
DigiDrive is a DSiWare re-release of GBA Bit Generations game known as Intersect. The series is designed to be simple sit down for a session then go about your day styles of games. DigiDrives release revolves around the idea of you have this disc and a slowly growing meter (I think they call it a piston) on one screen and a four way stop style intersection on the other screen. There are three different "vehicles" of different colors (Black, Red, and White) that are approaching the intersection. Your job is to direct them using the controls to go into one particular section of the intersection in matching color groups. Five in a row makes the lane that color. You're doing this so you can gain...like...fuel or something. I don't know. All I know is you're trying to stop that piston from smashing into the disc on the other screen and you can just get sucked right into for hours. So much for the quick session gaming.

Mighty Flip Champs:
This is a WayForward Technologies game. A company I have complete faith in when it comes to tackling a retro concept. Think of Lode Runner for minute. You can't jump. You can only climb and walk and shoot bricks. Now, take the shooting out. And add alternate dimensions. You're goal is to get to the fishman in the stage. Hey, sounds easy enough. Except you can't jump, remember? That's where the flipping comes into play. On the bottom screen is an upside down world with a different layout then the one on the top screen you're wandering around in. When you hit a dead end on the top screen, it's because you need to figure out where on the top screen you need to be so when you flip, you're in an ideal non death location. You hit that flip button and the bottom screen flips up and becomes the top screen. As the game progresses, you need to meet up with more characters and have more screens to flip through. You also need to take a breather, because you're gonna get TICKED and feel like a moron.

Photo Dojo:
Photo Dojo executes its one trick with such amazing effectiveness that you wont care that it's a simple, dumbed down fighter. What does it do? Simple. It lets you create your own cast of fighting characters. You snap your profile image, you record the sound effects, you pose yourself in all the silly positions they ask you to pose in and you even choose what you're fireball looks like. It's silly. Silly beyond all comprehension and that's why it is without a doubt one of the must play games of this handheld generation.

Cave Story:
It's Cave Story. Why aren't you playing it right now? It's on the PC, it's on the Wii, it's coming to the 3DS. Just play it, dammit.

Dark Void Zero
A lot can be said about Dark Void that isn't nice. But there are a few things that the game did right that you can't take away from it. It had a totally rad soundtrack and it gave us Dark Void Zero. The idea of Dark Void Zero is that it's a joke. It's a game that was being worked on for the NES that was never released. That is its back story. And this joke is pulled off with such excellent execution that you could almost believe it. When you boot it up they have you blow into the microphone on the system to make sure the dust is gone. Even the virtual manual completes the illusion with its history complete with pictures. What ends up being surprising is that they didn't waste all their creative juices on the concept and actually made a really good tribute to every 8-Bit action game of the era.

PictoBits
Puzzle games are a bit of a forte of mine. Right up there with racing games. I've played so many variations of the same style of gameplay, whether it be line up three, Bejewelled style, or even the billion different types of Tetris that exist. What Nintendo has done here is taken the classic idea of a falling block puzzler and mixed it up with a match three concept like that of Dr. Mario or Tetris 2. Take your stylus in hand. Unused blocks start clogging up the screen on top of the blocks that you start out with. You can poke blocks and that block goes into your save spot. If you tap in an area not occupied by a block, the next block in your save queue goes into that space. Your goal is to create chains that lead groups of three or more. The colors are there for more than just matching up. Every time you match color, it goes to the top screen and starts filling in an image. Once you fill in all the image of that certain color just means points and clearing the screen. All of this is wrapped up in a DELIGHTFUL 8-Bit package. Those images you're trying to complete? NES game sprites. This game takes the 8-Bit package presented in Tetris DS and does it better. All of the music in the game are really good remixes of classic NES songs. There is even a Jukebox mode so you can plug in your headphones, listen to the remix and even shut the device and still keep listening to the tracks. It is without hyperbole when I tell you this is one of my absolute favorite DS games, DSiWare or otherwise.

EDIT: As luck would have it, Nintendo announced today (6.2.2011) a list of games that won't be transferable to the 3DS. Everything listed here is good to go. Unfortunately Flipnote Studio and Earthworm Jim didn't make the cut which are two great downloads that I didn't mention here)

NESea Vol. I

2011-04-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Get it? Combine NES and nausea together.

When the time comes around inevitably that sites and magazines talk about the worst games of all time, they are all starting to blend together and look the same. They tend to be a mixture of Pac-Man 2600, E.T. 2600, CD-i Zeldas, Shaq Fu, Big Rig Racing, and of course, Superman 64. All valid examples of horrible awful games.

My area of expertise has always been one of two game systems. The Game Boy or the NES. I've played an sickeningly large amount of NES, and I feel the people responsible for MOST of that consoles library don't get enough shit tossed at them. In fact, I would argue that there are games sitting at the local swapmeet that you've never heard of that are a worse nightmare than E.T. 2600 could even hope to be. These are their stories.

Hey. See that logo up there? LJN? Get used to it. You're going to see it on the packaging of a lot of stuff. And that rainbow? It might as well be coming out of a Mr. Yuk sticker. Because that's what it means. It's poison. That logo means there's an 80% chance that the game belongs under your sink next to the bleach and Windex as opposed to being jammed into your NES hole.

Todays game that shows that they are nothing short of being spawns from hell sent to ruin a kids summer vacation.

I'm starting big. I'm starting what I consider the most vile game I've ever played. Honestly. This is my most hated game of all time. Uncanny X-Men is a disgusting example of "Just make something" that exists for no reason other than the X-Men didn't have a game on the market yet and dammit, kids love games. That may not be entirely true. I don't know if this game came before or after the C64/PC game with the delightful name of Madness In The Murderworld. Regardless, they came out the same year and kids were going to BEG for the X-Men videogame.

(Power Play series. The first of many hints)

Things start out innocent enough. That cover art is pretty rad right? I mean, it looks straight out of a comic from the 80s. And Storm has never looked cooler. How much better would the X-Men films have been if Halle Berry had a giant ass mohawk? Of course the Canucklehead gets front row center. He's got those bitchin' claws. Of course that's who I'm going to pick to play as! Why WOULDN'T I pick Wolverine?

(Yes Wolive! Flee for all your life! The bat creatures took your claws!)

Well. The answer there is simple really. Don't pick fucking Wolverine. Why? Well. He doesn't have any claws. Instead, he hops around. Cyclops? He shoots lasers. Wolverine just punches stuff. He doesn't STAB stuff. He doesn't heal himself, he just punches dudes. Over and over and over and over. And not well either. He's the best at what he does. And what he doesn't isn't very nice indeed. But I guess it doesn't really matter. They all look the same just with pallet swaps. And the game plays like garbage. It's a top down, sort of Ikari Warriors style. And you always play with a partner. Playing solo? Doesn't matter. You get an AI partner. And calling it AI is giving it too much credit. There is no intelligence to be found. More often than not, the character will just get lost in a corner swinging wildly and then he/she dies. At least Iceman does in fact throw snowballs at the bad men. Then you're free from his chains. Oh. And those stats? As far as I can tell, they are made up bullshit.

(If his sense of smell is so acute, when is he wallowing around in shit?)

And when I say you're free from his idiot chains, I mean you're free to see how far you can go punching things until you realize that this game is a complete and total mess. The images flicker uncontrollably. At times, it's like you're just phasing in and out of existence like Marty McFly in the Back to the Future game (ALSO LJN mind you) traveled back in time and started fucking with Professor X. It is almost enough to make you nauseous (Like the title!) and just completely stop playing.

(That black and white blob is apparently Storm)

Hey. Want to beat the game? Want to play the final level? Well, there's a trick to that. You need the secret code. How do you get that code you're probably asking. Well, obviously you beat all the levels and they give it to you. Nope. Well, maybe it's a secret hidden in the manual that you think is in a container you threw into the shed. So you dig that out. Hmm. Nope. Shit. The box for this thing probably hasn't existed for 15 years, it's probably hidden on the back like in Metal Gear Solid. Nope. It's on the cartridge. Not that you would know that. They don't tell you that. But it is. It's there. You gotta put that in after you SOMEHOW beat all the levels. Why did you do that? What the hell is your problem? How did you even figure out that code? You're more lizard than man.

Below, I have a little piece of video footage of me playing. You will see the game is pretty much spot on to the X-Men. Remember the time when Wolverine and Nightcrawler fought skeletons in the sewers? That was awesome. Also remember when Nightcrawler died 2 pages in and Wolverine had to go it alone while flickering in and out of existence? Good times.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: VIDEO ARMAGEDDON GETS FIRST SCOOP ON CHOPSTICKS

2010-10-01T02:58:00.001-07:00

That's right. We've got the very first scoop on Nintendo's next gen system, currently in development at Pee-wee's Playhouse in Kyoto, Japan. Earlier today I spoke with our resident ninja, Chef Boyardee-X, who slept with Cammie Dunaway and then snuck into Nintendo of Japan's offices while she was peeing on a pregnancy test thingy and swiped top secret trapper keepers related to the next Nintendo console, codenamed Chopsticks.

First of all, and most importantly, I can confirm that, yes, Chopsticks will use CDs instead of cartridges. That's right, you heard it here first. Chopsticks will be Nintendo's first ever 3D home console. No grasses! Chopsticks will have a new and improved magical pointy fairy wand, which will be made out of genuine licensed Nerf material. Nintendo will be teaming up with Nerf for a joint crossover marketing venture.

Chopsticks will introduce a revolutionary new battery solution for video game controllers. However Nintendo will be sued shortly after launch and existing controllers will be pulled from store shelves and replaced with controllers that use standard AA batteries. Nintendo will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.

Chopsticks will be the most powerful system of the next generation. In fact, Chopsticks games will feature live actors and full motion video, something never before done in gaming ever. This latest NintendovationTM will be copied by Sony and Nintendo will sue. Sony will then counter sue for back taxes and child support.

Nintendo's dream of connectivity with handhelds will become a true reality with Chopsticks. The next iteration of the DS, 3DS (pictured) will be seamlessly integrated with Chopsticks. You will have the ability to play Chopsticks Virtual Console games on your 3DS, and vice versa, although your Chopsticks console and 3DS will be permanently tied to each another. You will only be able to store three games at a time and they will disappear after 30 seconds (approximately) of transferring them. Chopsticks will make history by being the first Nintendo system to offer downloadable episodes of The Golden Girls and Designing Women.

As for backwards compatibility, all GameCube and Wii games will be playable on Chopsticks. However, there will be no GameCube controller ports on Chopsticks. A new line of controllers modeled after the NES, SNES, TurboGrafx-16, Genesis, Nintendo 64, GameCube, etc. will be released, however they will be purchasable only through the Japanese Chopsticks shop. Also you need to have a Japanese Chopsticks to buy them. Chopsticks will be region-locked so you have to buy one Chopsticks console for each region.

Chopsticks will be the first Nintendo system since the Nintendo 64 to launch with Mario: the combo package Super Mario Universe/Duck Hunt: Liberation will come packed in with the system along with a light gun, a headset, and a new version of the Robotic Operating Buddy. Having been developed at NASA over the course of 15 years, R.O.B.2 will have the ability to hover through the air, vacuum your house, and pleasure you sexually.

Screenshot of Nintendo's first ever FMV game, Super Mario Universe

The prototype R.O.B.2, currently in development at NASA

The Chopsticks Zapper

A headset peripheral will come packed in with Chopsticks

Chopsticks will have a card scanner on the system, much like the one pictured here, for scanning credit cards, points cards, Pokemon cards, and the Carl Yastrzemski baseball card from 1973, when he had big sideburns

Anticipation has been confirmed for the Chopsticks Virtual Console

Floor Vision will make its debut on Chopsticks. A video demonstration can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDnI-45pgMQ

TITLES IN DEVELOPMENT (list subject to change):

Super Mario Universe/Duck Hunt: Liberation
Mario Kart Chopsticks
Mario and Mavis Beacon at the Olympic Games
Mario and Mavis Beacon at the Olympic Winter Games
Donkey Kong Junior is Missing!
Sonic and the Catcher in the Rye
Swift Justice with Nancy Grace
Let's Build a Pony!
Let's Build a Pony! Adventures
100 Classic Silent Films
Bananas in Pajamas
Celebrity Autopsy: The Video Game
ALF 2

Super Mario Bros. Is 25 Years Old

2010-09-13T15:35:00.001-07:00

It's a weird thought for me. The game that started it all for modern day gaming, Super Mario Bros., was originally released on the Famicom on this day (Sept. 13th 1985) 25 years ago. I personally predate Super Mario Bros. That is something I never really fully comprehended until this date. I knew SMB came out in 1985, but that little factoid always slipped passed my mind. I didn't get my gaming legs wet until a few years later. I was probably way to young to young to be playing video games back then. 1989? Is four too young to be playing games? It probably is. I don't care. Tetris, Mario, and Contra were awesome. I'm sure somewhere in the cosmos there is a Back To The Future like time line written on a chalkboard, and in 1989 there are several branches that shoot out leading to different realities. Perhaps in Earth-684 this blog is about political cartoons and is called "Illustrious Illustrations" and I wear a tam everywhere I go. I should buy a tam.

I was waiting for today. Today was the day I'd "relaunch" this blog. Not a real relaunch, since you can't really relaunch something that was never launched to begin with. I guess refocus would have been a better choice of words. Really, I'm writing this part as I go. It's a nice foray into the insanity of my mind. All the pieces are there, It's just up to me to attempt to assemble them in a manner that looks like I'm not loonier than a toon. I think a better focus for this blog would be more towards the personal interactions I've had with gaming and it's culture as opposed to just trying to be a mock journalist pretending like I know what I'm doing and reviewing things. I'm not that guy. YES, I might still do that once in a while, and I do want to keep writing about random silly gaming things, but THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE is what I want. Personal tales of my history with gaming, my present with gaming, my future with gaming, and my views on the industry and culture as a whole. Plus this is all I really can do. I'm a wordsmith, but I'm not exactly the most professional. My composition needs work, to say the least. Looks at all these commas. Man, I LOVE commas. To the point that I use them incorrectly quite a bit.

The first game I can ever remember consciously playing was Super Mario Bros. It was quite honestly the greatest toy I ever played with. I said toy. I realize that. It's a sort of heresy to think of games these days as anything else other than art or legitimate and standalone form of entertainment. Back then, as far as I was concerned, they weren't anything more than toys. I controlled the little brown and red dude across the screen and tried to get from point-a to point-b without dying. It was the greatest thing ever. I knew right then and there I needed that toy that my grandma had hooked up to her TV. Eventually, I did get that toy. And to this date, Super Mario Bros. and the numerous sessions of 2-player gaming with my dad on Contra remain some of the most treasured memories I have. That's why gaming will never stop being a part of the person I am. They mean more to me than just another way to kill time. They have, for better or most likely worse, shaped me and my personality to what it is today. Video games and The Simpsons.

This is just the start. Slowly but surely I plan on digging through on a more personal level about my history with games. A peek behind the curtain that is me. I have stories tell, memories to recollect, and truths to reveal. We've just spotted to the tip of the iceberg that brought the Titanic down. Join me and go down with the ship and see how deep down this thing really is.

Next week: The schoolyard and the early 90s.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

2010-07-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

I never thought myself as an aspiring journalist. I just thought of myself as an asshole that always had something angry to say about gaming. Gaming could almost be described as my passion in life. I'm not college educated. I never hope to be discovered and get a gig writing for Joystiq or feel like could finagle my way into E3 and feel legitimate. I just like to write. Unfortunately I made it so it wasn't fun. I tried too hard to sort of comply with the "rules" of blogging. Nobody gives a shit about lists. Everybody has a top ten list. You can go anywhere on on the net, not just blogging sites, and find a top 10 list about something. They're all the same. So here I am. I ruined my own site for myself. I focused too hard on writing reviews for things, most of which went unpublished, or scathing lists about various topics that everyone always talks about. I'm done with that. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. This is a rebirth of VA. I'm going to make this the way I want it to be. I'm not going to bother with the nonsense that I feel like I'm obligated to write just because I have a blog on the internet dedicated to a particular topic. If I feel passionate enough about a particular game, sure, I'll write something, whether that be positive or negative. And I tend to get bizarre and random gaming gadget and knick-knacks that I never really write about that I probably should. Good times will be had by all. But mostly me. You, I'm not so interested in.

Heavy Rain: A Journal Part I

2010-03-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

SPOILERS! SERIOUSLY! This is LITERALLY my play through of Heavy Rain as I progressed through it. I kept a little tiny journal thing. It tracks my thoughts as I progress through it. It's not just spoilers. It's the fucking game. Don't read it if you want to be surprised or give a shit about that kind of stuff.

Awesome. Starting off with a guy in his midways. At least sleep under the blankets!

I personally have enough common courtesy not to stand on the patio in my underpants.

That birds up to some shit, I know.

Awesome. A shower scene. I wonder how many creative ways they will craft to keep his junk out of frame.

I'm feeling uneasy. I know know what this game is about. One of these kids is going to die.

I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY THE PARTY OR CAKE OR SEE THE PRESENT BEING OPENED? That's bullshit.

Great. A mall. Might as well take the kids to Pedophile Land.

This kid is a horrible actor and should not be allowed to use the English language.

Trying to find this kid is seriously tense. Fuck you not-my-kid red balloon kid.

JAYSON!

Well shit. That's not what I expected to happen.

And now I'm divorced. Awesome.

This is a depressingly accurate bachelor simulator.

SHIT. I didn't really mean to tell him he couldn't have his teddy bear. Stupid QTE.

Beatin' up hooker Johns. All in the days work for an asthmatic private eye.

Jayden's voice actor is irritating.

ORRI-GAAAMI.

I'm playing Miles Edgeworth now.

Psych profile now? Is this Silent Hill?

Now I'm in the park. This game has no idea what the fuck it wants to do.

OF COURSE. Black out at the park. GOD DAMNIT. My wife hates me enough as it is. Now I'm gonna be the cause of TWO kids deaths.

Alright. I want those glasses, Jayden.

Now I REALLY want these Space Glasses.

I don't like this character. At least not right now.

What's that shit he's taking SUPPOSED to be? Windex?

SHIT. Why didn't I remember what clothes my kid was wearing?!?!

A convenience store hold up? I actually played this part already at PAX.

Oh sure. I saved your ass now I get your shoebox of broken dreams.

And now the fanservice for the guys.

Now it's turned into a thriller movie. Complete with stereotypical burglar sneaking around the house.

OH SHIT! They got me. I thought for sure I fucked up and got her killed.

FUCK YOU PAPARAZZI! I'm stealthy like a fucking ninja!

What's with this dream state thing? Don't tell me it's turning into one of those fucking games.

It IS hilarious knocking people down though.

Ah yes. The train station locker. A Hollywood staple for over 50 years.

What the hell kind of phone is that? It's like it uses N64 memory cards.

Sideshow time! I hope he shows everyone his trip to Vegas.

That is a lot of fucking crosses.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this dude isn't the killer since I pretty much just started the game. Unless it's the ultimate swerve.

And I shot him. I'm sorry. I panicked. I didn't know what was going on. I'm CERTAIN they weren't going to kill these two crucial characters off so early in.

What the fuck is this now? A trailer park?

Oh great. A crying baby and no mother. I think we know what the fuck this means.

Not today lady. You have to survive so I can give you the "World's Worst Mother Award"

And now I'm changing a diaper. What the fuck is up with this games priorities.

AND feeding, burping, and rocking the baby to sleep. Awesome.

You know. He really seems to be gathering a lot of clues and proceeding to do JACK SHIT with them. Come on Scott.

FUCK YES. That was what I was talking about. That car chase thing was fucking awesome.

And then they make you play the game upside down. Which is every bit as disorienting as it sounds. Up is down. Left is right. TOTAL CHAOS!

Also. That is one of the most ADVANCED GPS units ever. You can customize it to say whatever the hell you want? Or is the Origami Killer just a complete and total genius?

In Which I Award The Best of The Best At What They Do 2009 Edition

2010-01-01T12:08:00.001-08:00

Sony PSP Game Of The Year

LittleBigPlanet
It's not easy being Sackboy. You had one of the most anticipated games your home console had seen in it's generation. Granted, you're in a game that gameplay wise is older than Mario himself, but you have a hook. You give the players very comprehensive tools that allows them to upload and share a seemingly limitless supply of levels. Sounds great, right? It is. So you could imagine the level of skepticism I had when I heard that LBP was getting a portable version. Luckily, love and care was put into LPB PSP. While you sacrifice multiplayer, you gain a fantastic never ending game on the go that you likely already love with an ever-expanding community of creators. Bravo team. Bravo.

Nintendo DS Game Of The Year
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
(Bowser: The kindest of all murderous aspiring dictators)
Mario has been cutting through worlds with reckless abandon for ages now. Him and his brother have been kicking it turnbased style for several years now as well. Naturally, when something succeeds, Nintendo will make sequels. We never REALLY got a sequel to Mario RPG on the SNES. What we did get was the Mario and Luigi Saga. (I guess Paper Mario would be the first...but don't interrupt this flow) While decent games, with decent writing, none of them ever really grabbed my attention until Bowser's Inside Story. The insane plot is hilariously written, and contains multiple gameplay styles that includes side scrolling platforming and giant oversized battle sequences that require you to hold the DS book style. A must own for any DS gamer.

Handheld Game Of The Year
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
(I have chortles!)
I can't say anything else about this game. It was a bad idea to write a really good description of it in the previous category. So. You guys watch Lost? I don't. I know I should, and I see that seasons 1-5 is on Netflix instant streaming these days. Maybe I'll get around to watching them now. Of course, I'm certain Twitter will spoil the ending to the series for me.

Most Improved Franchise Of The Year
Assassin's Creed
(Image censored. Wang free. Thank you Ubisoft)
Hey guys! Remember Assassin's Creed? The one that was obnoxiously repetitive and mostly consisted of you sitting on benches and pick pocketing people for most of the game? Yeah? I bet you can't wait for the sequel! Well guess what! Here it is! They actually fixed everything. Most games are repetitive. We really should realize it. What the original games problem was that it did NOTHING to disguise the fact that we're just doing the same thing over and over and over and you can't so much trip over your own feet without alerting somebody somewhere. NOW. NOW we have the game I wanted when I booted it up the first time. FINALLY.

Parappa The Rapper Presents: Musical Game Of The Year
The Beatles: Rock Band
(I really don't see how all five of you are going to fit in there)
Have you heard of these guys? They're called The Beatles. It's five Brits that write awesome music. I'm PRETTY sure they're all on drugs though. And I think one of them died and they just replaced him with a look-a-like. The tabloids don't lie. But seriously, the Beatles is one of the biggest acts of all time. Getting the license to make a game that scans their entire musical history has to be one of the most painstaking and awkward tasks of all time. You KNOW people are going to be breathing down your neck at ALL times. Harmonix done did us good. A game that comes across as a fitting tribute to one of the biggest bands of all time, with none of the filler or silliness of an Activision title. The Beatles: Rock Band also has one of the best visual styles of the year. The Dreamscapes can be nothing short of epic. You almost just want to turn on no-fail mode and watch it play.

Assassin Creed's "Boy This Should Have Been WAY More Awesome"
Award of Merit
Scribblenauts
(Not shown. A horrific scene of cookie obscenity)
I like Scribblenauts. It's true. Which is why it pains me to say it's an awful game. I take back some of that. The game itself is sound. The puzzles are great and range from rewarding to mind numbing. There are two types of puzzles. Traditional thinkin' puzzles, and action based puzzles. The dictionary in the game is nothing short of technological feat. Unfortunately it controls like a drunk boat. Which would be great if you were playing a game about a drunken schooner, but you aren't. You're controlling a boy in a rooster hat sticking steaks to babies and imploding the universe with the LHC.

Licensed Game Of The Year
Batman Arkham Asylum
(Batman: Goddamn)
HEY! A licensed game that's good! And not just "Hey, this is great for a licensed game!" good, like Wolverine Origins or Spider-Man 2. This is just good old fashioned great. You are the Worlds Greatest Detective. You use all of your crazy bat powers (and by bat powers I mean limitless amounts of money to buy the greatest toys ever and years of martial arts training) to stop the Jokers newest stupid plot. The Joker is an idiot. This bull crap never works and he knows it. What was his big plan this time? Take over Arkham is cliche Joker. Anyone with a spork and a wetnap could apparently break out of or take control of this stupid island.

Mario Kart Wii's 3 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back Award
Sony presents The PSP Go!
(RAWR!)
Alright. I'll level with you. I own one. There. I said it. Mock me all you want. I didn't own a PSP and I like new technology and I wanted to own LBP and Gran Turismo. Big whoop. I'll get on to THAT shit later. So here's the lowdown. The PSP is basically a bomb. Not Sega Saturn or CD:i Zelda bombs, but a bomb none the less. Why is it a bomb? There is no one particular answer. The original console using a disc based format probably doesn't help. The dude isn't exactly portable either, since without a case, the delicate screen is ALWAYS exposed. The library isn't the greatest, it's picked up these days, but for the majority of it's life span, it's been weak. And the DS is just a freight train out of control moving millions of units every month. So why not reboot it? And they did. With this. First of all, it's smaller. WAY smaller. Which isn't bad, but it's not good either. It's an awkward shape, and depending on who you are, you can really cramp up playing this thing. Having no disc drive is a great idea, except for the fact that it was at one point (and still is mind you) a disc based system. You can't even transfer games over if you upgraded to this unit. Also, the store isn't exactly greatest. Some companies don't even seem interested in supporting it. Then....there is that fucking screen again. Not recessed into the unit. Just lying there, waiting for you to just slip it into your pocket so the seams of your denim can show it who's boss. Is it wrong to want my portable gaming device to be a clamshell? I can understand if it were a phone, but this? COME ON!

Award For Cinematic Excellence

Uncharted 2
(The voice of a generation. Almost literally)
Let's get one thing straight. Uncharted 2 is better than anything you'll ever do in your life. Myself included. Perhaps the plot itself isn't exactly Oscar caliber, but it's DAMN good. Damn well written with amazing characters and an amazing cast to boot. Granted, it doesn't make much sense why Nate would be against shooting a guard in a museum only to hurl him off of a building into the icy waters below shortly after this discussion with his accomplice, but hey, whatever. All I know is that the cutscenes are beautiful, the acting is fantastic, and I wish it weren't over.

Best Racing Game Of The Year

Forza 3
(Forza 3: Not Pictured Here)
Hey there. This might come as a shock to you guys, but I'm a HUGE racing fan. I love racing games. Sure, Burnouts, Mario Karts, Need For Speeds,...uh....Roadblasters? They're all fun. But given my druthers, I'll take a sim over them any day of the week. I love everything about sim racers. The beautiful graphics, the faithful renderings and schematics of real life cars, the ability to tweak and tune your favorite car in any way you feel fit just gets me going. I LOVE it. And Forza 3 does it excellently. Need For Speed: Shift deserves an honorable mention. It's a VERY good well balanced blend between Sim racing and arcade racing and I hope to see the Shift franchise to keep going and stray away from the street racing theme that NFS has been prone to do lately.

"That's A Last Gen Feature" Blunder Of The Year Award
PSN
(Open During Construction)
There is a lot that can be said about PSN. Yes. It's a free service, but that doesn't mean it has to be treated like a free service. PSN does a lot of things well. For one, in their infinite wisdom, they realized that making the store a browser based application was a fucking stupid idea and changed that last year. Unfortunately, they don't quite seem to know what to do with the space. Awesome games on PSN that are original are few and far between. The PSone classics section is a disgrace at times. But this is all little things. My biggest problem with PSN is that they decided to launch a console, the PSP Go, that is depended SOLELY on this service and it's laissez faire attitude towards content. LBP PSP launched practically a WEEK after it was announced with nary a word to be spoken about why. Will this new game that's coming out be on the network at launch? Hell if I know. Sony isn't talking. What about an older game? Like ____? Good luck getting an answer. Hell, some developers even seem against releasing anything digitally anyways. It's bad times over there, and it shouldn't be.

Best Sequel
Uncharted 2
Did you know that before being the best game of 2009, Uncharted was already the best game of PS3? Sure, MGS4 exists, and countless other multiplatform titles, but Uncharted was the best game. Seriously. It was the tipping point in selling me the PS3 and I don't regret it. While Uncharted was a great game, there were a lot of little things they could have fixed. And they did. Uncharted 2 gave everything a better polish, from the gunplay to the visuals. There are little bits of animation in the game that just completely wow you and it comes across as nothing you've ever seen before. It is a masterfully crafted sequel.

I DO HOWEVER need to give props to Assassin's Creed II. They took a franchise that could have been dead. A poorly received first game can be a death sentence. But they did EVERYTHING right this time. I applaud that team for making what was practically an entirely new franchise.

Best New Original IP
DJ Hero
(MC Escher. Get it?)
I was a skeptic. Activision has burned me lately with the "Hero" franchise. III was passable but ridiculous. World Tour was bad and V was nothing short of boring to me. Not to mention the attempts at band games. Aerosmith was alright, as is Metallica, but when you look at something like the Beatles game, you realize that they're nothing more than JUST branding. Enter DJ Hero. The DJing scene isn't exactly something I follow. All I know is that I like Run DMC and this game has Vanilla Ice and The Killers in it. I took a leap of faith and I enjoyed every second of it. It was fresh and unique (even though really, it's just another reused concept) and the soundtrack of mashups is top notch. I tip my hat to the developers of DJ Hero. They created a new rhythm game that I am more than willing to stick with.

Best Xbox 360 Game of 2009
(Only Console Exclusives)
Forza Motorsport 3
(POINTS!)
Sue me. This was my favorite 360 game of the year. Bite me. I like racing games. This isn't your award show. I have nothing else to say about Forza 3 and I don't have to defend my decision. Let's just change the subject. I own two Teddy Ruxpin's and two Grubby's. Why? Because they're awesome and I want to start an animatronic fuzzy robot army.

Best PS3 Game of 2009
(Only Exclusives)
Uncharted 2
(Hint Hint)
How much more information do you think I can pass on about Uncharted 2?

Best Wii Game of 2009
(Exclusives or games with exclusive features)
Silent Hill Shattered Memories
(Using a cellphone while running from demons is probably a bad idea)
Did you know that the Wii had a ton of stuff released on it this (2009)year? It's true. Although by reading the internet, you'd never really realize it. And holy shit does this one take the cake. Not an exclusive to the Wii, it was also released on the PS2 and PSP, but they pale in comparison to the Wii version. It's a "re-imagining" of the original game. Which basically means that they just stole the names and basic plot and created a different game around it. This game judges you on a psychological level as you play, which is step one in making a creepy game. You control your flashlight with the IR on the remote. THAT'S awesome. You take horrible crackly cell phone calls with the crappy tinny speaker on the remote. And if you want to ACTUALLY hear what is in the call, you have to hold it up to your ear. And then, all hell breaks loose. No combat. When hell LITERALLY freezes over, you have to run your ass off. This game is nothing short of a delight from start to finish.

Gamestop Presents: We Won't Get Any Money From These
Downloadable Game of the Year
Trials HD
(Shown: Not Trials HD)
It's almost like Excitebike, if Excitebike made me hurl my control the floor and storm out of my own bedroom cursing. This game gets unrelenting to the point of it just being downright mean.

Best Packaging Design
Metriod Prime Trilogy
Nintendo doesn't exactly have a track record, especially these days, with particularly compelling artwork. Hell, one glance at the cover for Bowser's Inside Story would lead you to believe they actually forgot to design the cover and just used the placeholder graphic that stores like Gamestop use to entice you to preorder. But what the hell is this? The Metroid Prime Trilogy, all three phenomenal Prime games on one disc, comes in a very nice steelbook case with beautiful graphics wrapped all around. It even has a little fold out artbook inside. I don't know exactly why Nintendo decided to do this, but son of a bitch, I'm glad they did.

John J. Holders Favorite Of Two-Thousand And Nine That Wasn't Anything Completely and Totally Amazing But Deserves To Be Recognized By SOMEBODY.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 Wii
(Editors Note: This was actually written before the recent..uh...occurrences)
Golf games are awesome.

That's the first time that line was probably ever written. But I stand by it. I love golf games. I think they're always fun. I used to play Fred Couples golf on the 32x almost daily for an entire year. Sierra made an awesome golf game called Front Page Sports Golf that was probably my favorite golfing game of all time. Key word. WAS. Move over Sierra. There is a new Sheriff in town, and his squeaky clean name is Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods 2010 on the Wii is one of the greatest sports games ever created. That's not hyperbole either. I genuinely think that. The optional package came bundled with Wii Motion Plus, which basically turns the controller into the device you thought you bought. And with this device you get one of the most fluid, fun, and brilliant golf games ever crafted. It even has disc golf. MOTION PLUS disc golf. Online features are in full force, everything the console counterparts have with less visual OOMPH. But it doesn't matter. This game is a game that should be played at least once by everyone with a Wii.

Game of the Year 2009
Uncharted 2
Seriously. I can't talk about Uncharted 2 anymore. If you want to know more, I'm certain IGN has a 23 page review about it written up.

Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing Presents: Shit Pile of the Year

Tony Hawk's Ride
This man should not be allowed to sell video games anymore. Ride is a pile of shit. Go ahead. Stand on it. Play it. And "play" is a term you can really use loosely since I've seen cats get thousands of points of this damn contraption Activision thought they could pawn off on retailers this holiday season. It may look like a cool novelty, but don't fool yourself. You have zero reason to play this game when a game like Skate 2 or Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 exists in this world. Why torture yourself?

John J. Holder, Esq,'s 47th Annual Awards For Excellence (And Not So Much) In Gaming Nominees

2009-12-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

Here we go. One more year in the can. Another year of gaming. Although from a glance in your mind, it wasn't all that interesting up until these last couple of months. But digging proved otherwise. Nothing EVENTFUL until the end here, but plenty of games that deserve to be on your shelve, or bin, or where the hell you keep your games. Games with no nominees means it'll either spoil a surprise, or I already had a winner and didn't need a nominee. Who knows. Maybe there will be even more awards in the final "show" if I can think of some.

Sony PSP Game Of The Year
Nominees:
LittleBigPlanet
GTA:Chinatown Wars
Final Fantasy Dissidia
Patapon 2
Rock Band Unplugged

Nintendo DS Game Of The Year
Nominees:
Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
Scribblenauts
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box
Mario And Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor
Henry Hatsworth Puzzling Adventure

Handheld Game Of The Year
Nominees TBA

Most Improved Franchise Of The Year
Assassin's Creed
Forza
Guitar Hero

Parappa The Rapper Presents: Musical Game Of The Year
DJ Hero
Guitar Hero 5
The Beatles: Rock Band
Rock Band Unplugged
Lego Rock Band (DS)

Assassin Creed's "Boy This Should Have Been WAY More Awesome"
Award of Merit
Modern Warfare 2
Tony Hawk: Ride
Scribblenauts
The Conduit
Brutal Legend

Licensed Game Of The Year
Batman Arkham Asylum
Ghostbusters: The Video Game
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Mario Kart Wii's 3 Steps Forward 2 Steps Back Award

Award For Cinematic Excellence
(Here's a hint, it's Uncharted 2)

Best Racing Game Of The Year
Forza 3
Need For Speed Shift

"That's A Last Gen Feature" Blunder Of The Year Award

Best Sequel
Uncharted 2
Assassin's Creed 2
Street Fighter 4
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box

Best New Original IP
DJ Hero
Half Minute Hero
Scribblenauts
The Conduit
Wet

Best Xbox 360 Game of 2009
(Only Console Exclusives)
Halo 3: ODST
Forza Motorsport 3
Halo Wars
Ninja Blade

Best PS3 Game of 2009
(Only Exclusives)
inFamous
Uncharted 2
Killzone 2
Demon's Souls
Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack In Time

Best Wii Game of 2009
(Exclusives or games with exclusive features)
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
Madworld
The Conduit
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories
Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles
Wii Sports Resort
Tiger Woods 2010 (Wii Motion Plus)
Murumasa
Metroid Prime Trilogy
Little Kinds Story
Boom Blox Bash Party
Punch-Out!!!

Gamestop Presents: We Won't Get Any Money From These
Downloadable Game of the Year
Battlefield 1943
Shatter
Flower
Contra Rebirth
Bit Trip Void
Shadow Complex
Trials HD
'Splosion Man
The Secret Of Monkey Island
The Maw

Best Packaging Design
(No Nominee)

Personal Favorite Of Two-Thousand And Nine
(General Award, no nominees. A game that while wasn't necessarily one of the best games of the year, this is a game that I felt deserves SOME recognition)

Game of the Year 2009
Nominees:
Well, telling you now would ruin some of the categories, wouldn't it?

Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing Presents: Shit Pile of the Year

Wayback Machine: Christmas 1996

2009-12-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not exactly sure why. I was sitting here, reading a message board I frequent, and a topic of discussion was the "worst Christmas present" and it made me think of what Christmas was my most memorable. I had one that was memorable when I was really young, probably somewhere in '89 maybe '90. I can't remember exactly. But it was good because I just remember it being huge and getting a BUNCH of stuff. I still have pictures. All sorts of TMNT things, and of course my beloved Gameboy (with Tetris obviously) that I still own to this day. Although my dad loved that thing as much as I did. Well, not so much the Gameboy itself as it was Tetris. He blew up the batteries once. Chances are, if the batteries died in that thing, it was likely his fault.

But honestly, my favorite Christmas was Christmas 1996 because it was probably the prefect cross section of my life. It wasn't as massive as others had been, and it included one of the biggest blunders in gaming history, but god dammit I remember it vividly. Also, it was the last time I got something from "Santa" for obvious reasons. We weren't fooling anybody anymore.

That was smack dab in the middle of America's revitalization with professional wrestling. Which was great for me, sicne it meant I got a shit ton of new WWF merchandise. Including an absolutely gigantic wrestling ring for Diesel and Bret Hart to battle it out in.

Credit for pic: Loose Jakks Database

Of course though, gaming was on the agenda. Why wouldn't it be? 1996 was home to the biggest console launch in ages. Hell, the stupid ass Saturn just came out randomly one day. Not the N64. No no. I would wait in a line at Blockbuster video just to play a few minutes of Super Mario 64. That's what I needed. That's what I craved. Super Mario 64? COME ON! Although....I mean, everybody else wanted an N64 too. Why wouldn't they? Look at this thing.

It's got dang ugly is what it is. Would you look at that controller? It's like somebody broke a table and put buttons on it. Yet I don't care what kind of jokes people say. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO USE THAT THING?!?" or whatever they try to say. It was a fine damn controller for 1996. Look at that. It has a joystick on it. Try playing Mario 64 one a d-pad. You can't. It sucks. Go ahead, get Mario 64 DS. Play with the d-pad. It's awful. There's like, nine buttons on that thing, not including the start button. AND LOOK AT THAT! Four controller ports? BUILT IN?! Screw off Sony, they don't need you and your SNES CD Add-On peripheral.

I got three games for my N64. What three games were they you may ask? Well....I suppose I could share. Let's keep in mind that this was 1996 and wasn't even a teenager yet. I still liked playing Sonic Spinball for Christ's sake. Anywho:

Yeah. Super Mario 64. That's boring. If you've somehow stumbled into here and are reading this, first of all, you're likely in a library. I'm just saying, I have a feeling that's my main demographic. Hobos and poor people. The second most popular demo is people in my age group. So yes. You've played Mario. That stupid vulture has stolen your hat. You've caught the gold bunny, and you've tried wallkicking up the side of the castle to try and get to Yoshi without have to get all 120 stars.

Uhh...well. This is a dark spot. Cruis'n (the hell?) USA was an arcade staple. And arcade staple from NINETEEN NINETY FOUR. It's a two year old racing game with basically zero depth. The coolest part about the game was going into first person mode and have flies splat on the windshield. Of course, the best part about THIS version is that if you want to race on other tracks, you have to dredge through career mode, which is basically you racing against AI-less vehicles and crazy physics. And of course, there were hidden cars. It's everyone's dream to race a school bus. Basically, it looked like you were racing in a world made of cardboard. At least they had SOME modesty and put the trophy girls in t-shirts for the N64 version.

And of course, the final new game I got for that Christmas was Shadow's of the Empire. Alright. This is a difficult one to talk about. Mostly because it's a game that didn't hold up very well even DURING the consoles life span. And in terms of Star Wars, there were much better days to come. SotE was based on an Expanded Universe story of the same name. The story was pretty much created to sell as much product as humanly possible. This game is pretty much you being Han Solo without actually having to be Han Solo. The guys ship even looks like the Falcon. Three levels come to mind, and they're all vehicle levels. That should be a clue. The first level out of the gate is Hoth. Which now sounds like the worst thing EVER, but in this case it wasn't. Hop in a speeder and blow up probe droids, AT-STs and learn how to trip up those pesky AT-ATs with your tow cable. Then a bunch of levels that involved running around shooting guys. You even almost kill Boba Fett at one point. But the other two hot points of the game were CLEARLY the swoop bike scene where you race and kill other guys on swoop bikes for some reason. Narrative wise I can't even remember why the hell you had to do it other than it looked awesome. Then there was the final stage. Which is pretty much like fighting the Death Star, except it's a giant space station. There are even Star Destroyers that you can shoot, but their damage never goes down, which is a bummer. You blow up the core of the station thing and win the game. But of course, it ends on a cliff hanger unless you beat the game on a harder difficulty. REPLAYABITLY!

That's Christmas 1996.....well....uh....that's not true. I wasn't going to say anything, but I got something else that year that I had wanted for a few years. By this point they didn't even actually make it anymore. But I got it. Boy did I ever get it.

Alright. Lets crack jokes all we want. Star Wars Arcade was awesome. For a console port of Doom it was totally awesome. It has the only hummingbird based sidescrolling shooter probably ever. And yes, I'm still waiting for Kolibri 2: Still Hummin'. But my main two attractions for the 32x were of course the obvious choices. Virtua Racing was number 1. Which was WAY better than the 100 dollar version you could have got for the Genesis. Oh. And Fred Couples 36 Great Holes. Which is a GOLF GAME you freaking perverts. This isn't a Tiger Woods game. *ba-dum-TISH*

Seriously though. It sucked. The only advantage was that it made some Sega CD FMV games not look like TOTAL garbage for once.

My toy collection

2009-10-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

Physical evidence of my dorkiness caught on film! Apologies in advance for the darkness of the video in some spots.

Games That Changed The World Vol. 5

2009-09-01T15:02:00.000-07:00

AHHH!

Hello again. Remember last time, I was talking about games that made you angrier than that time God caught Jesus masturbating or the time you read that and got angry at the concept of Jesus playing with himself? Well, this is the opposite. This is about a game that made you want to tie up and keep whoever the hell was playing it you at the time so they could never leave and you could finally beat that snow level? I mention that because while Contra was fun by your self, you aren't going to fucking beat it. You get 3 lives and it's one hit kills. Sure, I'd be hung, drawn, and quartered if I didn't mention the Konami code (which appeared in Gradius first, not this game) and it's ability to pretty much let you walk through the game, but that's not a challenge. That's not any different then watching the Harlem Globetrotters play a basketball game. The outcome is pretty much written, it's just a matter of how you get there.

No. Single player isn't the selling point. The multiplayer is where it's at. Except back in those days, nobody used a stupid term like multiplayer. What are you, a fucking a English teacher? Firefox hates that word. I really should add it to the dictionary, but that's besides the point. No no. We called that shit 2 Player. "Wanna play 2 player Contra?" The answer would always be yes. And if it was no, they immediately stopped being your friend. And you were always Player 1. Why? It's your god damn system that's why. And if it wasn't your system, you couldn't say shit about it. You were the blue guy or you didn't play. Then you played. It was what the kids today call "co-op" gameplay. You worked together, and if you were lucky, you got to put 11 million bullets (and by bullets, I mean red circles, flames, or lasers) into a giant alien heart.

That's right, the final act took place inside of an alien apparently. Although, this was before it was normal to tell people what the hell was going on outside of a blurb in the manual, and maybe an opening cutscene. One minute you're shooting what appears to be dudes, next thing you know, aliens. I guess that makes sense. I mean...well. Whatever. You also could try and beat the other guys score, but by this point in gaming, getting points was pretty much pointless now. Also, the game had a cheat where you could steal a life from your partner. Which as you would imagine, lead to fist fights and hair pulling.

Oh, and the fucking Spread Gun. Really, forget everything I said about the game. Buy it, and everyone of it's sequels (Including Contra 4 for the DS, since you get a brand new Contra, and the 2 original NES games) right now.

Games That Changed The World Vol. 4

2009-09-01T14:44:00.000-07:00

I NEED THIS FOR MY BIRTHDAY!

Hey, kid. Games are expensive. And we're talking expensive in 1989 dollars. Games are about 60 bucks new these days, which compared to the 70 dollars people paid for Super Mario RPG or even Superman 64, it was really hard to convince people in 1989 to buy more than a couple of games in one sitting for a holiday. But when you did, you better hope you placed your bet on black (you ALWAYS bet on black) and won, because if it sucked, you were fucked for at least another few months and hope maybe you can convince the Easter Bunny to hide a copy of River City Ransom in one of those plastic pastel eggs of his.

Take X-Men for example!

Uhh...

Games That Changed The World Vol. 3

2009-08-17T20:47:00.001-07:00

Is That Battletoads?

---JJH

Games That Changed The World Vol. 2

2009-08-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET PAST THIS THING?!

Legend of Zelda is magical. Legend of Zelda took the idea being a child, exploring, and going on adventures in your own backyard and made it a fantasy game. One part childhood innocence and one part Dungeons and Dragons, and no part hints, you are thrust into a world you know nothing about.

Of course, the first thing to grab any child's attention is shiny things. And Nintendo clearly knew this. There is NO reason for a game cartridge to be painted shiny gold. Flat primer paint instead of gray is one thing. But not only do you color it a shiny gold, but you cut a little square out of the packaging itself so you can clearly see what lies within. It's really diabolical if you think about really.

You're dumped off into the middle of nowhere. Basically, you see four paths and a cave entrance. Being adventurous, they know full well you'll enter that cave first. And so help you god, you had better. In there is some dude and he gives you a sword. For what reason he decides to give a child a sword isn't really explained, but there he is. Captain Runwithscissors gives you a sword. And now you're off! Uh...to where really is your choosing. Unless you have a guide handy, you just keep walking until you find something to go into. Sometimes, you'll jump the gun and go into a dungeon you are TOTALLY not prepared for yet. It's an adventure. You want to beat this dungeon? You better have a god damn ladder, raft, flute, and boomerang in those tiny little spandex stockings you have on.

The Zelda games in recent years have sort of traveled away from the childhood innocence and whimsy that made it popular in the first place. Ocarina of Time played that card for the most part, but the game turned dark. And when they brought back the whimsy and adventure in Wind Waker, everyone complained about it. Then we got Twilight Princess, which no one can argue is a great game, but it feels more like a Zelda clone than a full fledged Zelda game. That's not necessarily bad, but it's just not the same. Here's to hoping whatever comes next doesn't consist of hours of traveling by train or boat, and takes itself a little less serious. When all is said and done, the Legend of Zelda for the NES (and whatever subsequent rereleases we've seen of it) is a game that ushered in a different way of thinking in games. It wasn't the first of it's kind, but it was by and large the best example of what games are capable of, and would be capable in the coming decades.

Games That Changed The World Vol. 1

2009-08-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

And by "Changed The World" I mean MY world, because that's the only world that matters really. Your world sucks and you know it.

Mario? Check. Duck Hunt? Check. Free? FREE!

These days, a good deal in gaming is if you spend 60 dollars and the developers don't violate your private regions then steal your wallet and run away screaming. Mostly, when you get multipacks of games, you're getting compilations of games that they've long since either given up on or have long since made their money back on. Sure, there's some good deals out there, The Orange Box had one full length game, 2 episodic games, a fantastic and short spin-off title, and a an online only FPS game. It was a phenomenal deal. But for the most part, the pack in games that you get with a console are either tech demos (albeit fun ones) like Wii Sports, or just various game pack ins designed to keep costs up or a vain attempt at boosting sales. It's all good, but Nintendo seems to be one of those companies that when they put their mind to it, they do it right and they do it well.

Case in point. The Wii. A low end piece of hardware. Motion control wands is a good idea, but the hardware of the console itself lacks anything to get anybody excited about. Nintendo basically had to rely on their name and development studios to get them out of a console gutter. They've nailed down the handheld market. Even with serious competition like the PSP, Nintendo still maintained the tried and true fact that Nintendo is king in portable gaming. They need not worry about Japan. They know they'll buy the Wii. Here though. We're living in the Madden generation. The hottest properties are sports titles and FPS games. Not exactly Japans strong suits. Japan got Wii Play packed into their set. We ALL know about Wii Play. CLEARLY, considering it's one of the most bought games this generation. We however, got Wii Sports. A simple looking game, with simple design. Some of the games on the disc are almost broken to an extent. Boxing really has no rhyme or reason to it, and baseball is just, well. I don't know what it is, but it's barely baseball. And tennis plays more like a game of ping pong. Bowling and Golf pretty much made everybody on the planet want to own a Wii.

Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt eventually came packaged with the NES. Originally, it wasn't packaged with the muti cart. It wasn't until a couple years later that it came with Super Mario/Duck Hunt. It was probably one of the slickest pack ins ever. When you look back on it, it's funny. Mario seemed like a massive game, 8 long, peril filled worlds with secrets and awesome music and branching paths and all sorts of good stuff. But being able to fit it onto one cart with it and an equally awesome game, Duck Hunt, you realize how tiny most of these games really were.

On that cart, Duck Hunt was probably my most played. Mario created gamers, but Duck Hunt built onto Mario's foundation. Three games there on the game. 1 duck, 2 ducks, or skeet shooting. Of course it was easy as hell to cheat the system. Hold the Zapper up to a light bulb, or right up to the screen. It didn't matter though how easy it was to cheat. There weren't any unlockables or achievements. All you wanted to do is get as far as you could so you could brag. And the less you saw that dog the better. I could make a joke about shooting the dog or something, but I think we're all getting FAIRLY tired that running gag. Mario Bros./Duck Hunt is a game that needs no more discussion about. It's THE first game. Not in terms of videogames themselves, but as a product that bred a new breed of culture. Games went from being living room niceties, to being living room essentials.

Not Dead....

2009-07-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

Trust me. I'm just lazy. I actually have three mostly done things ready to go. I'm just sort of compulsive when it comes to proofreading and getting that last paragraph JUST right. Something will be up in a few days.

Happy Punch-Out!! Release Week!

2009-05-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

In honor of Nintendo's first Punch-Out game in ages, I figured it'd be fun to show you how "awesome" Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! can REALLY be given the right equipment. So be cautious, when you enter the Den Of Perils and Pringles, and watch this wonderful (read: shitty) video.

In Which I Choose The Best Games Of 2008

2009-01-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

It's over. The year of 2008 has released a monstrous amount of great titles. And shit too, but the good outweighs the bad in most cases. Here are my picks for the best games released in 2008.

11.) The World Ends With You

While this should be a top 10 list, I'd feel remissed not to mention at least one handheld game, so the official number 11 spot on my Top 10 list belongs to The World Ends With You. A fantastic and creative spin on the JRPG genre. It's almost as if it reinvented the whole genre with one tiny little game on a portable system. If you like RPGS, and own a DS, you must own this title. Now.

10. No More Heroes

While the Wii has been without some notable titles for a while now, we can't ignore that most of the games worth playing were really frontloaded. Released way back in January, No More Heroes was a new Wii exclusive action game created by the insane mind of Suda51. Right now, I'm going to explain his nick name. His first name is Suda. His last name is Goichi. "Go" in Japan means 5, "ichi" means 1. Thusly, he gets a puntastic nickname. No More Heroes is a vile, gory, hilarious send up of action. You're main character uses a lightsaber like blade and when the battery starts to fade you have to shake it in a suggestive manner. It's a violent game with a heart of gold. A must own Wii exclusive title.

9. Boom Blox

Another must own title that came out earlier in the year for the Wii as well. Think of it as Reverse Jenga. Blocks are stacked up high, you must destroy them. In some cases, you actually have to play normal Jenga too. It sounds simple enough, but it's a freaking blast to play, and keeps staying interesting. The Wii motion controls add a whole new element and actually work to it's benefit as opposed to hurting it like a lot of other games out there. It's hard to explain the game without playing it. Really, if you own a Wii, there is no excuse for not owning this game.

8. Burnout Paradise

Burnout has always been a great franchise. I'd go out as far as to say that Burnout 3 is one of the top 10 games of both Xbox and PS2s life cycle. It was a phenomenal game that still stands up today. The games following didn't hold up quite as well, and Burnout Dominator, being the only non Criterion developed title, is the only one you could really say wasn't a great game anyways. HOWEVER, the reason Criterion didn't work on Dominator for the PS2 was because they had moved on to greener pastures. They were working on a whole new game for the new cutting edge consoles. Burnout Paradise left behind the menu system, and instead adopted the open world mentality of todays gaming and it works great. The only downside is that there is no restart option. But that's about to change. They have updated the game numerous times, at one point they made it so you can actually have the time change and add motorcycles. And now, there are even more free updates down the line, and we're even getting a restart option. In terms of racing, this year belongs to Burnout. Hands down.

7. Audiosurf

Here's a little ditty of a title you may not know exists. Audiosurf is an independently developed game that was launched early this year. I purchased through Steam for just 10 dollars. The game is like a combination of F-Zero and puzzler KLAX. You take your song, yes YOUR song, as in anything without DRM on your hard drive, it maps the song, turns it into an audio visualizer you can drive on and you take your little ship and collect different colored pieces, "hot" and "cold" colors, for the best score possible by getting them in groups of three or more. Each ship has it's own special ability, and the game even tracks your high scores via a world wide leader board by song. It even includes the Orange Box soundtrack, so you can play along to Still Alive whenever you feel like it. For 10 dollars, I recommend you buy two copies, it's THAT good.

6. Left 4 Dead

Everything I've read is a lie. The Zombie Survival Guide seemed like it would have prepared me for the zombie apocalypse. What the book didn't prepare me for, however, was the other side of the infestation. Me and three other movie stereotypes are destined to fight an ongoing string of the undead that move at incredible speed, and have varying super powers. They're either 800 pounds and spit on you, some have giant tongues that attempt to lynch you with it, are terrified of flashlights and will rip your face off if you scare them, can climb walls and pounce you like a cougar in heat, or are built like a fire truck. This book has wound up being useless. Instead, all I need is three competent friends and a lot of bullets. L4D is the best multiplayer game this year. You feel like you've accomplished something if you manage to survive your final onslaught. The story is nothing, but it doesn't matter, all that does matter is that you don't get two functionally retarded people that don't quite grasp the concept of teamwork, leaving you and a buddy alone to fight a Tank all by yourself on a helipad.

5. Prince of Persia

A lot can be said about the Prince series. It's a decades(as in two....) old franchise that started out as a marvel, with it's brilliant rotoscoping to make it look like, by 1989 standards, that you were controlling a living, breathing, human being. His movements were fluid and realistic. It felt like he had weight to him and everything. Whether time has been gracious to the Price or not is up to you. Us as legitimate gamers all recognize that, even with flaws, Sands of Time was one of the best little games to come out during it's time frame. Now here we are in a new hardware generation. What do they do? They decide, why the hell give it a realistic look like Assassin's Creed? Sands of Time was their best work and it almost had a Disney quality to it. As the franchise god more brooding with it's sequels, interest waned. So they went with a more beautiful cell shaded quality to it's art. The results are breathtaking. While in terms of visuals, it may be one of the best games to look at. The details in the back ground, to the character models are all great. Some animations are better then others. It's nice to have the option to not even bother with the dialog if you don't even care. A lot can be said about the difficulty. You can't die in the traditional sense. Your partner, Elika, acts as a sort of checkpoint system. If you fall, using magic, she'll save you and bring you back to the last flat ground you were standing on. Sometimes it's not bad, other times it will make you throw a hissy fit if you fall. And you will fall. Calling this game easy because you can't doesn't make this game easy. You will "die." You WILL fall to certain doom, and you will start sequences over. There isn't even a trophy or achievement for "not dying," instead, it's an achievement dying less than ONE HUNDRED TIMES. Also, the combat system is great I feel. It's one-on-one situations. Boss fights are all about stringing together the best combo you can using the best possible option to your disposal. Sometimes the enemy will be resistant to throws, so you have not choice but to attack him with your sword, break his resistance to throws and start your combo from there. At the end of the day. Say what you will about the difficulty and the ending, the game is a god damn blast to play.

4. Far Cry 2

A shocking entry from me. An entry that I didn't think I would even care about. I'm tired of your typical FPS title. This, however, is not your typical FPS title. Remember those complaints I had about GTA IVs sandbox in my biggest disappointments? Probably not, since I'm posting this after that on that same day, and you'll probably read this first. It doesn't matter. What does matter though is that I feel that the in a game like GTA IV, while it's an open world, when it comes to the GAME part of it, it feels like it's holding your hand all the way through. You really don't have much deviation, and in most cases, if you stray from the path it's almost a guaranteed fail. Far Cry 2 is in no way, shape, or form that kind of game. Oh, that's right. Far Cry 2 is an open world FPS. You're stranded in a nondescript, stylized Central Africa. You have malaria, so you have to pop your pills every literal half hour or so in real time or else they'll find you face down in the dry grass being raped by a boar. You basically take on the roll of a mercenary. You're initial intention, and overall objective is to take down a black market arms dealer, The Jackal. That's basically it story wise. You aren't given much hints. You progress through doing your typical go here and do that kind of missions. You can actually take on two missions at once, and it's up to you who's side you're going to align yourself with. Even if the missions themselves are lame, it's the law of the land that makes it exciting. There are guard outposts everywhere, very few cars, and lots and lots of grass. You can charge a outpost guns blazing and clean house, but it's sure to cause you some damage, and at least one health syringe. The best option is to sneak through the back door, crouched with your machete, and ambush. You actually feel as though your almost cheating the game at times. Although the game will also try and cheat you. If you don't buy your weapons, and just take them from the lifeless corpses you're leaving behind, you're in for some issues. They aren't well maintained, and chances are, in the heat of a fire fight, they're going to jam up on you. Oh? That rocket launcher? That rocket was bad. The rocket fell out of the tube, and is spinning wildly on the dry grass, igniting it then blowing up. Fire spreads too. At an alarming and realistic rate. If you get caught ins some dry grass, you're gonna get burned out. It'll also set off ammunition boxes. If you're wounded and are in the danger zone of your health, when you hit the heal button, you are treated to a delightfully gruesome animation of you fishing the bullet out with a pair of pliers or something to the liking of that. And there's a buddy system. If you maintain friendships, when you go down for the count, they'll come to your aid. But that one time. After that, you need to meet up with them again to ready them at a save house. Also, if they get injured, you have to help them. Because if you don't. They die. And not like "He died, but was nursed back to health, to meet him again, go to the bar" kind of die. I mean, you will never see that dude again. Sometimes.....you won't be able to help. So you will have no choice but to take your pistol to his head to put him out of his misery. God damn this game is good. I'm gonna stop typing and go play it right now....

3. Fallout 3

I can't lie to you people. I'm not very far at all into Fallout 3. That doesn't mean it's not awesome. The presentation. The visuals. The RPG elements, the VATS system. Everything about this game is so painstakingly designed, you can't help but appreciate the level of awesomeness this game presents. I can't say much else in terms of what to say about this game. Unlike Far Cry 2, everyone knows this game is awesome. There is nothing else I can say that could possibly sway your opinion on it.

2. LittleBigPlanet

You know what made Super Mario Bros. a fun game? It obviously wasn't the intricate story line. The hours of painstaking attention to detail. It was fun because it was. Plain and simple. The character designs were quirky, and the levels were lovingly designed to be tests. They were designed to beat you. That's what makes LittleBigPlanet my second favorite game of the year. LittleBigPlanet takes a stupid premise of "this is planet where everyones imaginations run wild" and that's why it exists, because as humans, we dream at night, and turns it into a romping great time. There is a story mode, but you don't give two shits. You only play through that to unlock design stuff. The meat and potatoes of LBP is the level creator. You can create basically whatever the hell you want. The developers have given you all of their level design tools. The levels they made, can be made with the tool set presented in game. You don't have to make shit if you don't want to though. You can mooch off of the hard work of others. All you do is go to the community section on the main menu, and choose any god damn level you want. There are generic platformers. Mario clones. Sonic clones. Racing games. Roller coasters. Star Wars. Sword fights. At one point a real working R-Type. Pinball. Pachinko. Puzzle games. Tetris. There is even a god damn real working calculator that will make you question what the hell YOU'RE doing with YOU'RE time if this guy can figure out how to get a calculator up and running with some switches, pieces of wood, and twine.

1. Metal Gear Solid 4

It's fucking Metal Gear Solid. In fact. The fourth one. The last one. The story actually wraps up. I've never had a problem following the story. Although apparently a lot of people do. This game wraps it up. Granted, the cutscenes are 45 minutes, but it wraps it up. And in terms of gameplay, this is the best Metal Gear has ever felt. Everything is fluid and great. Sneaking is as essential as ever, and much more than just "hide in this conveniently placed shadow!" It's great to see old faces, wrap up loose ends, and has one of the most satisfying endings in history with the games "epilogue." Plus, Act 4 is probably one of the most epic and amazing stages ever designed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Mega Man IX, the game that reminded us that we suck.
Call of Duty World at War, the game that reminded me that war sucks. Especially in the 40s.
Bionic Commando Rearmed, the game that reminded why I hated this game as a kid
Mirrors Edge, proof of concept
Smackdown '09, the little wrestling game that made me believe again
Dead Space, proof that horror games can actually be scary AND good AND American
Saints Row 2, proof that being a criminal doesn't have to be full of moral decisions.
Smash Bros. Brawl, proof that Nintendo CAN make something good if they actually try.
Battlefield Bad Company, proof that you don't have to be Call of Duty
Space Invaders Extreme, proof that retro can still be awesome if you don't fuck with it.
Quantum of Solace, proof that movies games don't have to be masterpieces
Braid, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Tales of Vesperia, proof that we don't need Square.
Professor Layton, proof that I'm an idiot.

The 5 Biggest Disappointments In Gaming 2008!

2008-12-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

The year is coming to a close. Most of the huge marquee titles are readily available, with only a few left out examples. But I'd say at this very moment in time, as of writing, just a short rock toss to Christmas, we can judge the industry. While I take my time to set up and post my year end Best of '08 and my other big project, I can take some time and talk about the 5 biggest disappointments of 2008, seen through my very own eyes. Your opinion may vary. It would be wrong, but still, it may vary.

5.) Grand Theft Auto IV

Originally, it was going to be Too Human. But I realized some better, since at least Too Human feels like it's own game. GTA IV, while visually a leap forward is nothing more than GTAIII: The Sequel. While living comfortably on the PS2 and XBox, GTA evolved. III went from a top down goof off fest, to a 3D living, virtual city where you can commit the most heinous crimes possible. Vice City took the idea, and expanded it, giving it something that more closely resembled a real storyline, set it in the 80s, made it homage all the classic gangster movies, gave it an awesome soundtrack and gave us new play mechanics. San Andreas was, in essence, the pinnacle franchise. It's the biggest city, that spans a large variety of different locales, included almost RPG elements for you character, and had a story that closer resembled a movie than either of the others. GTA IV takes away planes, takes away the RPG elements, and brings in the gritty realism. Play with the "current affairs" idea, we get a foreigner, running away from his past and doing his best to adapt. Now, my opinion is clearly not the popular opinion. GTA IV is one of highest rated games of the year, but it's story doesn't engage me, the city doesn't entertain me, and it just feels like I've done this all before, being a criminal with a conscience performing the same lame boring task over and over again. While they change things up on occasion, it just feels like I'm always tailing some guy (BUT DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!), I'm racing some guy, I'm chasing some guy, and I'm entering a building and killing some guy. And while the game is sandbox "do what you want," I fell like during the story itself, they hold your hand leading you around. I've had more fun playing the goofier, more over the top Saints Row 2, since I'm an amoral prick that does the same stupid missions as GTA, but with some more interesting twists, like insurance fraud, wide scale pandemonium, eradicating unwanted guests in places I want to use as hideouts and having to gain street cred if I want to progress the story. GTA IV is far from a terrible game, don't get me wrong, but I just don't find it as engaging as it could be. I would have liked to have liked this game more than I did, but I'm just tired of the mission structure.

4.) Sony Updates PSN. Still Sucks.

PSN is not XBox Live. Nor will it ever be. While the system isn't broken, it might as well be. First of all, PSN store used to be browser based. Which I think we can all agree on is retarded. Luckily, with some new features introduced a short while ago, we got a software based PSN Store, so now you don't have to sit through a painful load while you're trying to buy Super Rub-A-Dub or something. The store itself is lacking pretty much any pop to its servers, considering there isn't a whole hell of a lot to pick up, and the original titles, while some being totally awesome, are now where near on par with what you can buy on XBLA. Having friends on PSN is like having a friend via Ham Radio. Yeah, they're there, and you can get in contact with them sometimes, but what's the fucking point? Luckily, now we actually have cards and things to look at so we know when they were last online and what game they're currently playing if the game supports it. "If The Game Supports It" is a phrase you're going to hear a lot. We can now listen to our own music from our hard drive during a game......if the game supports it. We can access the XMB (Xross Media Bar, because "X"s are EXTREEEEEME!) through most games so getting a message isn't completely useless now. Screen grabs are possible now, not that you would know, since nobody supports them. And of course, the PS3s answer to Achievement Points over in 360-topia. TROPHIES! You can earn trophies from all of your "favorite" games, if they support them, and collect and share them with your friends! The cool thing about trophies is that it's like an RPG, your player card actually levels up the more trophies you get. It'd be awesome if games actually supported trophies. Fuck, even MGS4, the PS3 marquee title, doesn't support trophies. PSN exists. It's there. And it ain't anything to write home about. Plus, for whatever reason, I get booted out a lot more than I do XBL. Which is to say I actually get booted off whereas I never do on Live.

3.)Might As Well Be God Damn Homeless

While PSN may be disappointing, it still has limitless potential. Trophies will be linked to your PSN name and can be displayed in HOME, a virtual world where you can meet, converse, and play around with friends and strangers using a 3D virtual avatar! You can meet up with friends, meet, get them into a 3D rendered room for Warhawk and then launch RIGHT into the game! Well, this would all be true if Home were an actual existing piece of public software. Instead, we're given blanket promises and vague company lines that ensure us that it's totally amazing. I can confirm that this is a Home that deserves to have it's Christmas lights left on over night on a dry, dead tree. Home went live via a public beta a mere weeks before Christmas, thusly crashing PSN for the most part. And when people were allowed in, they realized that basically the only fun thing to do at all is chase girls around and harass them, and trying to convince them to enter your Summer home. The only good to come out of Home is "Quincying". If you're curious as to what that is, go to Joystiq.com and search for it.

2.) Mario Kart Wii

Mario Kart is a Nintendo work horse franchise. Since it's franchise inception on the SNES, we expect and demand awesome and fun over the top wacky arcade racing with our friends, with only a couple of minor slips along the way. Well, then you might ask, what is so wrong with Mario Kart Wii that you go so far as to claim it to be one of the most disappointing moments of 2008? It's simple really. Nintendo's new company line is ruining their franchises. Simple, dumb fun enough to keep things going, and I agree with that, but when you LITERALLY make it dumb, we have problems. Anyone can win any race. It's a ridiculously unbalanced that decided the weapons didn't play a big enough role before. So here we are, getting bombarded with blue shells out the ass, the rubber band AI is utterly relentless, and the multiplay is basically destroyed. Everyone is a winner with Nintendo, which is why we are team based now. And those balloons that used to signify your health? Don't worry about those anymore, they're useless. Why are they still there....well.....it's really unknown. The only saving grace is the WiFi play, but even that isn't pointless, since Nintendo insists that having friend codes is the future of gaming.

1.) The Nintendo Wii Sucks.

Should you take that line seriously? Probably not. Don't get me wrong. I really like the Wii. It's a great fun system with some nice features that really go above and beyond what we're used to Nintendo giving us. Which is REALLY a sad statement when you begin to realize how little we've been given this generation as gamers that have stuck by Nintendo through the shit they've made us endure through. 2008 has been a mess. A simple look at their release schedule reveals that. The biggest holiday titles for Nintendo on their console are Wii Music, an interactive tale of what it would be like if you were that idiot savant pianist, and Animal Crossing DS...I mean City Folk. Because it's totally not the same as the DS game. I mean, they have a city you can go to now, it's totally different. Look at all the amazing stuff shown off at E3 too! Uh....a sequel to Wii Sports which lets you fix the Wii controller to what we thought it actually was with Wii Motion Plus. And of course Wii Music. Wii Music is reason enough to hate Nintendo. Their non-game that lets you wildly flail about to make music with little or no regard to the fact that the basic aspect of a game is to accomplish a task. And wiggling a controller so it looks like your playing Jazz sax to Twinkle Twinkle is not a task. At least god damn Mario Paint let you fill in a picture of a dinosaur and MAKE the music too.

People of Earth. Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

We used to do a million Transformers toy reviews here it seems. Well, here's another. A little Christmas present that makes me giddy as a little school girl. So, I present to thee, a very magical Transformers holiday present. This thing:

It's the 25th Anniversary Optimus Prime action figure. It is basically a re-release of the original Op Prime toy, with some extra bells and whistles. In package, it looks fantastic.

Of course, you get the typical back of the card reading. Information of who Optimus Prime is. His stats are through the roof, as would be suspected, and his adorable little picture of him in his Autobot glory.

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This get up is packed. It has a little flap flips up to display his wonderful trailer in full glory, and shows off the Issue 1 comic reprinting included. The set also comes with a DVD that has wallpapers and stuffs, and is the entire "More Than Meets The Eye" story arc from the original series. Also, it comes with a shield, that has a belt clip that also doubles as a stand. You push the button, which is basically the forehead of the thing, and it rattles off some phrases or the transforming sound effect.

There is everything in their full glory. It's pretty much exactly as advertised. It's a wonderful replication of the original Prime, at a "fraction" of the cost of buying on used. It's a terrific display piece, and I'm proud to welcome another Prime into the family.

In the end,I give it:

Out of a possible 5.

The price of the piece is too much to keep it at a perfect 5.

Thanksgiving 2008 Jones Soda-Thon

2008-11-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

Stop laughing. I can hear the laughing.

Max Payne: The Move: The Review

2008-10-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Movies based on video games are clearly a sore spot for someone like myself. By and large, gaming movies are ass. Movies ABOUT gaming usually turn out fine enough. Wargames, The Wizard, The Last Starfighter, King of Kong, and Tron. It's all good. But when you actually take a game and try to spin your Hollywood "magic", something gets lost in translation. Usually it has something to do with those in charge being lifeless husks of men creating something that vaguely resembles the source product enough as to get our sorry asses into the seats. Things never got better. Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat were bad, but considering the time and the general acceptance of games as a medium, it wasn't shocking. But now, games are a valid sub-genre in the realm of entertainment running neck-and-neck even with some of the biggest blockbusters. So what do we get? We get Doom, Resident Evil, Hitman, Dead or Alive and Uwe Boll making a mockery out of pretty much anything he can get his grubby little mitts on.

Now, that's not to say I don't enjoy movies like Super Mario, Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter, but it's the same way some might enjoy something like Snakes on a Plane or Faces of Death. Super Mario is rife with inside jokes concerning the series and Street Fighter just sort of depresses you knowing that Raul Julia's last movie was him playing M. Bison.

Well, that brings us to today. With games being generally cinematic these days and relying heavily on a story, it's no surprise now more than ever, companies want these creations adapted to the screen so they can make billions off of a property they didn't create. With Prince of Persia underway (which features Jake Gyllenhaal as the title character of all people), and games like Bioshock and Halo always being spoken in the "when the hell are these coming out?" breath. For some reason. I mean, it's not exactly like we've had a success yet. I guess the law of averages suggests that at some point one has to be great.

That brings us to the movie based on one of my most beloved franchises from the last generation. Max Payne. Max Payne was far from a "GREAT!" game. It's gameplay was pretty weak, but with a great gimmick. Bullet Time slowed the action down so you could John Woo through a door and blast bad guys away while dodging their bullets. The visuals were nice, and the cinematics were wonderful. That's the one place where it REALLY stood out, the way the cinematic package was presented. It was a film noir story. A revenge story. A vigilante cop story. The cutscenes were like comic panels telling the story. Max had a lot of great one liners and internal monologues all being delivered in a droll boring affect. It was a fairly typical revenge story, with obvious story twists, but it's the way the entire package was delivered in the end that made it movie worthy of a big screen adaption in the first place. It had a lot of flair, regardless of some of it's inadequacies in terms of the actual gameplay at times. Especially during the drug induced hallucination levels where you're forced to follow a very narrow trail of blood in a manner that can only be described as ";lkasjdfihiwebfrsbfvljsf!"

The movie, which stars, in all reality and excellently cast actor, Mark Wahlberg, pretty much takes the very basic storyline of the game in the terms of Max's wife and baby are killed, he tracks the junkies around, finds out the mystery, gets revenge and follows it fairly well. There are some pretty nice plot details they left out. The the entire mob substory being basically left out entirely. And if you haven't played the games, they really make you work to fill in some plot holes. In the game, Lupino is a psychotic satanist junkie that spouts off dark readings while sacrificing another person. In the movie, he's just a nut job, and kills a guy in cold blood for no explanation. A gamer would sort of piece that in his head with the game, the rest, well, to them he's just another junkie. Also, the story wraps up in a familiar but totally different way. And there is no internal dialog save for the beginning.

In general, the movies actually quite decent. But it's still not the Spider-Man 2 or The Dark Knight to the gaming world like those were to the comics world. That movie may never come, or it may come in the next couple of years. All I know is, is that this one movie is pretty much the best example of a gaming movie there is. That lines going to be either pitiful to some, or excellent to others. By the end of the day, Max Payne does a lot of things right with the source material, but the pulled punches of PG-13 forced it to take and some of the liberties with some story elements have kept it from being great.

VidArm is Proud To Present A New Format!

2008-07-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

Released to the Press, July 15th, 2008

SEATTLE,WA-As you are all well aware, this week marks E3, this countries largest expo for the gaming industry to show of their newest creations to the world and lay out what to expect in the next year in terms of the industry. Among some of the largest announcements include Microsoft giving the Xbox are massive dashboard update altering the look entirely and integrating a Nintendo Mii like Avatar system and changing the menus to look similar a console that should only have one button on the controller. On Sony's Side, they showed off more Resistance 2, LittleBigPlanet, and Home. All of which have been seen previously before, many times over. Also announced was a brand new video service that would allow you to rent, buy, watch, and transfer to the PSP, various movies, similar to what the Xbox has been doing for all this time now. And to round things out, Nintendo showed of their various wares. Which includes such stand out titles as the Animal Crossing game everyone new that was being developed, a microphone that should have shipped with the console, a game that's called Wii Sports only so they could actually sell it to the public, and of course, their Pièce de résistance, Wii Music that's been seen since the dawn of Wii, only now you get fifty instruments to play in the air that don't actually appear to work quite right and has no real discernible gameplay value other than to swing around to simulate music. So with this, Video Armageddon would like to introduce to you the newest direction of the blog. We are going to become an independent reviewer of woodworking tools.

--John J. Holder

BREAKING: SEGA RE-ENTERS HARDWARE MARKET

2008-06-11T20:45:00.001-07:00

* Plug & play on TV
* 20 built-in 16-bit SEGA licensed games
* Supports RedKid cartridge
* Plays original Mega Drive & Genesis games
* TV out connection
* TV format: NTSC
* Official product, containing games authorized by SEGA

The Sega Mega Drive Twin Pad Player from Sega's official China distributor AtGames brings back all the memories of Sega's 16bit era. This official product does not only feature twenty hot built-in Mega Drive games, but also plays all original Sega Mega Drive (Japanese) and Sega Genesis (US) games. Further included in the package are two six-button joypads, AV cable and instructions sheet.

List of built-in games:

Alien Storm
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Altered Beast
Arrow Flash
Columns III
Crack Down
Decap Attack
Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine
Ecco
Ecco Jr.
ESWAT: City Under Siege
Flicky
Gain Ground
Golden Axe
Jewel Master
Kid Chameleon
Shadow Dancer
Shinobi III: Return of the Ninja Master
Sonic and Knuckles
Sonic Spinball

Stay tuned to Video Armageddon for further developments.

Double J Presents: A Study in Hyperbole: GTA IV Reviews

2008-06-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Photo: Gamerankings.com

The Grand Theft Auto franchise has been around for years. It's over a decade by this point. I have been somewhat of a franchise fan since it's start. GTA on the PC/PSX were fun little games for their time, as were it's expansion of sequel. Outlandish, funny, and juvenile, the games let you live out your wild fantasies as a thug and criminal. Stealing cars, killing innocents, cops, and gangsters, the game were far from the usual item of the day on the menu. It's biggest downfall the reason the franchise wasn't a success was because of it's fairly sad graphics and it's overall gameplay was pretty much a lame duck. The series seemed to fall under the category of ahead of it's time, destined to be nothing more than a cult classic from an era dominated by fairly massive adventures like MGS, the Final Fantasy titles, Legend of Zelda and others. Something important happened to the franchise though. The PS2 is the best thing to happen to the gaming world in years. It's massive install base and "ahead of it's time" hardware, the PS2 opened many closed doors to developers. GTA was able to go 3D finally. Gone was the craptacular top down view....well, not gone, it was still there, but not the default view. Jesus Christ....I'm really getting off track here. This was supposed to be a look into the reviews for GTA IV, not a history of sandbox open world gaming. I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. Alright. GTA IV was released. That's the point. Well...not the point per se. The real point is about the REVIEWS of GTA IV. There is no denying it. GTA IV is awesome. And an awesome game should get great reviews. But the real question is: Does it deserve THE BEST reviews, or is it a hype machine that so powerful backed up by a brilliant marketing strategy of nothingness? From here on out, I'm going to include some samples of reviews and comment on them. A lot of publications and sites try to hide by saying things like "a perfect score doesn't mean it's perfect" which would be acceptable if this were a 5 point scale, but on a 10 point scale with fractals and a letter grading scale, that's where we get into issues. Fuck you EGM. An A+ means perfect. You can't get a 100% percent with a wrong answer or two, and GTA has it's wrong answers. You even talk about them in your god damn reviews. This isn't so much an attack on the reviewers themselves, as it is at the concept of reviews in general and the apparent need to quantify something with a number or grade, thusly negating having to read anything at all. So, without any further ado, here is where things start getting dirty...

Okay I lied. Not yet. I'm not going after GTAIV. Really I'm going after the constant need we have to quantify everything. Whether it be from movies, music, games and even food, we have to grade it. It's an asinine system we've been accustomed to. People spend hours writing reviews and you just skip right to the end and make your decision from there. A game could get a fairly low score, but could still get talked about glowingly but still share some issues. But you don't know that because it got a six and that's all you read. And there is something else. If you can ramble on about a game for 6 pages and then be able to sum up the ENTIRE review in a single paragraph in a "closing comments" section, you review is useless and void. It's bullshit.

A "10" is not a score we give out very often. In fact, the last time we gave a 10 to a console game was Soul Calibur in 1999. A 10 doesn't mean a game is perfect -- it means a game is pushing boundaries, expanding a genre, and doing many things to a level so far above and beyond its competitors that they overshadows any flaws. Certainly, GTA IV has some issues, the most noticeable being the occasional flaw in the cover system, but there are many more pieces of GTA IV that are better than anything I've seen from a game in the past decade. We don't give 10s often -- just to games that merit the score.
---IGN

That there is the IGN review in the closing comments and shows the dangerous trend of "a 10 is not perfect." You have a 10 point scale. Much like a googol in numbers or absolute zero in temperature, they are there as placeholders, theoretical in nature. You can't personally reach them. They can never theoretically be and will never give a game a zero. As long as the game works. You put it in, turn it on, it boots up and the controller controls the game not matter how awful it may be, the game is above zero. Much like 10. A ten, on a scale designed to break down in to fractals that includes .1-.9's, like that would have to be utter perfection. You can start with a 10, but the second you have a complaint about something you have to tick down at least a .1 on the scale. This is what I mean by hyperbole. It's a fantastic game, there is NO doubt there. But it's far from "highest on a rating scale" perfect. Also, if you read, you'll notice a common trend of talking about the story, but seeming devoid of any in depth discussion of the actual missions. Likely because they are the same as they've ever been which can range from entertaining to dreadful. Sure, they cover the exciting ones in their review like the bank robbery, but as to expected in a TEN! review, they fail to point out that the missions for the most part haven't evolved since GTAIII. Take this guy here, race this guy, drive to this point and kill those guys, get that car and put it in that garage. Doesn't mean it can't be fun, but it's pretty much universally accepted that races are bullshit.

I do wish that Rockstar had added checkpoints in the multistage missions to cut down on the grunt work of frustrating retries. GTA4 also suffers from those little things that have always plagued the series, such as sudden pop-in of objects in the environment and the occasional repetition of car models in your immediate vicinity.
---1UP.com

1UP(EGM) gave the game an A+. I'm sorry. While in area's an A+ generally refers to a simple phenomenal presentation, it's the best you could can receive. While in actuality it may not MEAN 100% it is more than implied that the work is flawless. There is a more than likely chance you've received a paper before with a letter grade on it, and unless that paper was 100% correct in every facet, you didn't get an A+. An A is nothing to sneeze about. It may sound like I'm being less critical of the letter grade system, when in actuality I'm most critical of the system. It's a pointless, uninformative system that offers little in terms of actual information you can use. It is the most common system it seems to speak in hyperbole for since it's such a small scale (while, in theory it's the largest since it's all based on a 100% number scale), you can over exaggerate to get your point across. If you don't think the game is great, you can give it an F and people will understand and keep away, think it's phenomenal, you give it an A+, even if the title has it's shares of faults and errors. You can read pretty much any review from 1Up, EGM, Game Revolution, anything and realize that in some cases their reviews sound every bit as glowing as a review for GTA IV and only get a B+ or a regular A. There is no rhyme or reason to the actual break down of the scale at times it seems. It's just a fact that a game that's hyped and delivers is more likely to receive a much higher rating than a phenomenal game that isn't on the worlds "must own" list.

I'm not trying to beat down the reviewing community, they're doing their jobs and in several cases they are doing fantastic jobs at it. We have this unhealthy dependence on needing to have everything wrapped up for is in a nice, tight, clean package so that the rest of the actual useful and insightful data is thrown right out the window and we see that graphics get an 8 and sound design gets a 10 and the overall score (which isn't an average by the way, whatever the fuck that's about) is a 7. It's coming up on 2 months since GTA IV, one of the two MOST hyped games for 2008, the game was receiving perfect scores across the board and the honeymoon is over. Reading through any message or listening to any podcast will inform you of these facts. The Perfect 10 GTA isn't so perfect after all, the "next-gen" new game smell has worn off and we're left with a game that is identical, if not less in some cases, as any other non-10 GTA title. This is where the reviewing system has failed us miserably.

VA's Book Of The Month Club

2008-05-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Yes! Books, for the uninformed are linear text based adventures. While they rarely offer branching paths or multiple endings (save for the critically acclaimed Choose Your Own Adventure franchise), these parchment based textular affairs offer hours entertainment with moderate replay value. There is one in particular I want to share with you:

The Masters Of Doom is probably one of the most interesting non-fictional stories I've read in quite a while. The story of the Two Johns is so interesting, and "seeing" the studio id evolve and then proceed to unfurl is fascinating and makes for a great book. John Carmack is probably one of the most influential and important American game designers easily in the past 20 years. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a passing interest in gaming or design. Honestly and seriously, this book is an extremely entertaining read and should be read by every literate gamer. The story of id is something else and deserves to be told. Whether you like their games or not, they are an extremely important part of our generation and should be remembered that way, regardless of what bullshit they do or have done.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!

Update #2: DK Jr. Still Missing New E-Mail

2008-05-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

From: me
Posted At: 11:30:43.000 05/13/2008
Posted To: Nintendo
Subject: Webform: Software Related > Other

What happened to Donkey Kong Junior? Where has he been?

Hello,

I'm afraid there isn't an answer to your question about Donkey Kong Jr. Nintendo excels at making sure our fans can get backstory information, character descriptions, and--most importantly--the information they require to complete the games that we publish. This can happen through our website (www.nintendo.com), Player's Guides, and Nintendo Power magazine.

Having said that, many details about our games will remain mysteries, left to the active imagination of the player.
Sincerely,

Nintendo of America Inc.
Kurt Wagner

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529

-----

They're hiding something my fellow game players. Don't let them get away with this. E-Mail them relentlessly.

Boom Blox: A Fair And Balanced Review Of EA's Most Innovative Wii Game To Date

2008-05-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

Buy this game right fucking now.

---Double J

I LOVE GLOVER!

2008-05-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Do you remember Glover? Of course you remember Glover, the greatest game of the fifth generation of video games! A lot of people didn't appreciate this game. Why? Because they're gay, that's why. Gays who overcompensate for their lack of manhood. Go back to your murder simulators, your blood and gore generators and LEAVE GLOVER ALONE.

WAIT THAT'S NOT GLOVER

I love Glover so much, I wrote him a letter!

My dearest Glover,

How are doing my angel?

Sweetie, I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful part of my life. Whenever I think of you I melt and get a fuzzy feeling on the inside. There's just something about you which I can't help liking.

What manner of creature can resist your mysterious black eyes which swirl like whirlpools and flash like lightning whenever I say something silly to you.

I really do love our bonding sessions on the couch. I think its so wonderful when me and you sit there and just talk about anything, and even watch a DVD together. Although I must admit I really do find it funny when you tell me one of your boring dirty jokes and I pretend its funny and giggle.

You know I've always loved your gorgeous legs and I can't wait to see you again so I can drool like an idiot over your legs and make a complete fool out of myself in public as always. I think its great how you just roll your eyes upwards whenever I do that, and politely smile at me. Oh how I do love those charming little habits of yours!

My thoughts are always with you, my glove!

I love you now and forever,

me

oxoxo

THAT'S NOT GLOVER EITHER SILLY

I love Glover so much, I wrote him a poem!

Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey

NOPE STILL NOT GLOVER

I love Glover so much, I wrote him a song!

Take Me Away (Oh Glover) [Featuring Emmylou Harris and Buckethead]

The day that I met you I lost a piece of my heart.
Now I've got you here, nothing's going to keep us apart.
I don't have to worry, I don't have to hurry now.
You are all I need. I know we can make it somehow.
We're making a breakthrough, heading for a fall
Glover, how can I make you see me at all?

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away

*Buckethead solo*

Trouble to the left, danger to the right; I feel it all around.
As long as you are near, there's no need to fear, and I won't back down.
I know you're the answer to all of my dreams.
Now that we're together, birds of a feather, we're the perfect team.

Take me away
Oh Glover, you do something to my chemistry
Take me away
Oh Glover, you are a total mystery

Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away
Oh Glover Oh
Take me away

I love Glover so much, I drew him a picture!

I LOVE GLOVER!

VA album review: Bad Hair day

2008-04-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

Weird Al is one of those artists you either love or hate. Me, I love his stuff, which for me started with 'Dare to Be Stupid' from the Transformers Movie soundtrack (the good one).

Seeing as how the mid to late 90's was an excellent time for music, it came as no surprise in 1996 when Weird Al would release his ninth studio album 'Bad Hair Day' and parody said excellent music. Considering that there are 12 songs on the album, I'll just cover my favorites.

The driving force of the album (and cover) was Al's spoof of Coolio's hard hitting 'Gangsta's Paradise', titles 'Amish Paradise', where he makes light of the Amish culture. When he somehow weaves the chorus of the Gilligan's Island theme into the song, I lose it everytime. Personally, it's my second favorite song off the album, and one of his most popular hits:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Uj-JflMMKpk

'Cavity Search' is based off U2's 'Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me' Originally he was going to spoof 'Numb', and spin it into the song 'Green Eggs and Ham', but the estate of Dr. Seuss put the nix on it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=2U-WxYmv4UQ&feature=related

My personal favorite off the album, is 'Alternative Polka' which is a medley of some of the most popular alternative hits of the times accompanied by an accordion, ranging from Beck's 'Loser', to 'Blackhole Sun' from Soundgarden. No parody here, he does the songs lyric for lyric, but it's the way he does them is what makes it for me:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ni632sTHZWU&feature=related

'Since You've Been Gone' is a very short, and kinda cute breakup song. It carries more weight if you've ever been dumped:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4x0jcfIN-pU

'Gump' is a parody of Presidents of the United States 'Lump' which pokes fun at Forrest Gump. It's one of the best songs on the album, simply because no remembers the Presidents of the United States. They aren't coming back, not even in pog form:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Efyx8gfuaB4

'I Remember Larry' is another Weird Al original, where describes an asshole neighbor making his life a living hell. The way Al does it straight, makes the song, especially the end:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=wP4ahXgRUik

'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is one of the forgotten Weird Al songs, but it's also one of his best. As the title suggests, it's about Santa going postal, and it's pretty graphic. It's easily one of his sickest songs, but shame on you if you don't laugh your ass off:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HTGlUMvbhSw

Overall, this is one of his best. there was a period when Al kinda faded out of the spotlight, and I kinda consider this his comeback album.

UPDATE: DK Jr. And Nintendo.

2007-11-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

Here we go, another part in my ongoing saga to have Donkey Kong Jr. remembered and returned as a full fledged member of the Kong and Nintendo family. I wrote Nintendo this nice email the other day:

Dear Nintendo,
I have an important question that has been haunting me for years now. In 1994, Rare introduced a new character into the Nintendo family and that is Diddy Kong. That's good and all, and it's nice to see Diddy Kong in Smash Bros. Brawl. However this leads to one very important question. Something that I find disturbing. Where has Donkey Kong's son, Donkey Kong Jr., gone? There is contradicting evidence that can prove either way that DK Jr. either is or is not the current Donkey Kong, and I think we deserve an official answer. Thank you.

Surely this will get the answers I've been long searching for. Today will be a glorious day. Nintendo can no longer run and hide from their past, they have to face it head on. So now, here is their Email.

Thank you for contacting Nintendo,

While I appreciate your enthusiasm and interest in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, there is no additional information I can provide beyond what has been revealed on the official Super Smash Bros. Brawl website (http://www.smashbros.com/). It's worth noting that there are still many things about this game that haven't yet been revealed and that the website is regularly updated with new information, so check there often!

Thank you for your e-mail.

Nintendo of America Inc.
Dale Thompson

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/
Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529

...

...

GOD DAMNIT! You win this god damn round Nintendo. Fuckers. But you can only hide from me and people for so long. Eventually you are going to have to face your past and your demons and sins.

A Deadly Battle: Diddy Kong Vs. Donkey Kong Jr.

2007-11-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

I've been stewing about this tonight while playing some older games. Something happened a while ago, and it really bothers me. And what bothers me more is the fact that we are allowing this happen, with little or no regard to the lost soldier in the 16-bit era that we have never heard from again. You all sicken me. You should be ashamed and disgusted with yourselves. Don't worry, I'll wait here while you whip yourselves.

That's probably you. Sitting there. Playing Donkey Kong Jr. That prick they call Mario. He kidnapped your dad, and guess what, that shit don't fly with you. He's treating him like King Kong, only instead of destroying most of 1930s Manhattan in a blind rage, he just gets locked in a cage. You swing from vine to vine trying to save his bad ass because I guess Mario must have drugged him or something. It's unclear really.

So there you are. Nothing exciting there. Donkey is literally unchanged since the last time you saw him and you dropped him on his skull, ultimately leaving him functionally retarded, which we'll get to later.

LOOK! He had his own cross branded cereal. Which apparently came with a sleeve of Pez candies inside. I miss that. I loved getting candy in my cereal. It happened all the time. Why not balance out that sugar coated sugar filled puffed corn ball with a packet of Skittles? Seems like common sense to me! And now, we are trying to ban Tony the Tiger from our air waves. 200x sucks.

Nothing funny to add here or of any real importance other than to show how much of a prick Mario really is. Look. He is trying to kill DK! WITH A HAMMER! WHILE HE HOLDS HIS GOD DAMN CHILD! God bless DK Jr. for keeping a positive outlook on the whole situation while his papa gets knocked into an asylum.

Something happened though. You see, the sixteen bit era had started. And Nintendo decided that the Donkey Kong franchise needed to reach the next level. So the obvious choice was to farm it out to a developer and have them turn it into a side scrolling platformer. That's when these guys came in:

We seem to hold Rareware in a rather high regard. We made the mistake of thinking it was a big deal when Microsoft bought them out. All they have to show for it is a remake on an N64 game, a mediocre sequel to a mediocre FPS that tried to be a previous successful game that was on the N64, Grabbed By The Ghoulies and Viva Pinata. I'd put the accent mark in that word, but I don't know it, and don't care to learn it. Anyways. Outside of Nintendo Projects in the early and mid 90s, Rare is a company that seems to be scared to make games. Conker, is exactly like Donkey Kong 64, which is exactly like the Banjo series, which is just an updated 3D world version of the side scrolling SNES games they made. I'm not saying they are a terrible developer, Goldeneye is fantastic, the Star Fox they did was alright (at best) , as is the DKC games in general, but for whatever reason, we hold them in a higher regard than we should. Back on schedule. Rareware turned DK into this:

A big lumbering doofus. Wearing a necktie. Yeah, that's the next logical step. From Nintendo's big bad guy that kidnaps girlfriends, to a platforming oaf that just wants his bananas. Hooray! But that's not the worst of it. Something else changed. Donkey Kong seemed to changed a little too much.

That? That's Diddy Kong. DKs sidekick and apparent nephew. The original plan was to have Diddy be Donkey Kong Jr. But the character change was too drastic for Nintendo's liking, so they gave them the choice. Either make him look more like DK Jr. or change his name. They changed his name. And now, several Donkey Kong games, a shitty kart game, and a playable in Smash Bros. later, he's here to stay. With no mention of DK Jr. outside of a trophy in Smash Bros. Melee. What happened to him? Where did he go? Did Mario snuff him out? From what I heard, he went on to teach remedial math for a middle school in Redmond. So, for you DK Jr., where ever you may have gone, this is to you buddy, and I hope to see you again soon.

Lucha Look back: Expert Gamer

2007-09-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Sharpie Conundrum

2007-09-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

It's a strange phenomenon. I know, you don't know really what to make of it. It's weird. Don't worry in thinking that, because it is weird. Something compels kids to do this. Little Timmy is scared. Scared of what? I know you're thinking that. What is little Timmy scared of. What the hell is this little bastard thinking?

Look at him. He's in deep thought. What is he thinking about? What the hell is running through this young kids mind back in 1991? I mean, sure, look, he's got some paper in front of him with a pencil on it, but he's not thinking about work, if he was, he'd at least be holding the god damn pencil prentending to be doing something while his half retarded brain tries to figure out which one is the oldest sister in one of those brain teaser math problems teachers give to kids in order to watch them suffer. No no, he's thinking about what's most important in life. Video Games. See, I know what you're thinking you little fucker.

There you go. Thinking about an NES game. I knew it. He probably just got The Legend of Zelda yesterday and can't wait to show Joey it, because he's a dick like that. He likes showing off to his poor friends who can only afford to buy VCS games at a pawn shop. What an asshole. But what the fuck is that other thing? Is that a fucking marker? What the hell does a marker have to do with anything?

YOU COCK SMOKER! What the hell are you doing? I'm sure if you read this site, you've purchased an old NES or SNES game in the past 5 years. Kids seemed to have knack for writing their names on the games they owned. I seem to have at least 5 that have someones first or last name on them. One of them I'm almost certain appears to have a phone number on it. Here's the Double J Greater Gaming Sharpie Theorem.

Apparently, the writing of your name on the back or front of a NES game prohibits your friends from using the game on their system or stealing it for a test drive. It just further goes to show, kids were retards and the schools are doing nothing. It's why we have to have signs in front of schools to tell us kids are nearby so we don't run over them, because apparently, the complexity of a crosswalk is too much for a five year old to handle.

Time wasters: Wrestlemania Instruction Booklet for the NES

2007-08-02T00:10:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the glory days of the video gaming, where you'd get a new game, and you'd be so excited, that you'd sit in the backseat, and read the instruction manual determined you were going to master your new treasure? Most instruction booklets were fairly simple and straight forward, with a dash of tongue in cheek humor. And then you have this:

The most off the wall instruction booklet ever. Wrestlemania: Featuring HULK FUCKING HOGAN and some other assholes. I guess Acclaim figured that the Hulkster and his disdain for t-shirts was enough to sell the game. Oh well.

Now, I don't know what the hell happened to this booklet in the 19 years that I've had it, but apparently I wiped my ass with it at some point, or dipped it in au jus. Maybe both, and not necessarily in that order. But look kids, you can be anything you want to be, and surprise people with elbow sandwiches! "Hey Mike, I thought you might be hungry, so I picked you up an elbow sandwich at Arby's, also I think I'm going back to school, and get my degree."

Jesus Christ. I know this page was and is a standard in all instruction booklets, but it is really necessary to number them? I picture some dull witted kid with his finger wavering over the power button, while alternately glancing at the booklet, and back at the NES. Finally he's inserted his cartridge, but there's a moment of hesitation, what if I missed a step? Finally he soldiers on, and takes the plunge.

HOLY FUCK! An "awesome picture" of Hulk Hogan, and his sole purpose in life is to get all up in your shit! Define awesome, and I'm pretty sure your answer won't be "roughly resembling sidewalk art."

Here's where the booklet writers got too fancy for their own good. Why did they italicize 'mistake'? That makes it sound sinister. "I think No Balls has been ratting to the cops, Numbers, I want you to take him hunting, and mistakehim for a quail, if you know what I mean." And "Rub"? Why not the more universal "del"? Thanks a pantload, my mom is gonna walk by my room hearing the sound of loud clacking and swearing, and what do I tell her when she knocks on the door? That I'm rubbing things out?

You may think you're ready for movin' around, but baby steps my friend, baby steps. Walking Mode and Running Mode. Hmmm. Shit, I'm going to sell motivational CD's based entirely on those two statements. " A lot of people are stuck in walking mode, and they never get anywhere in life because they keep pushing in between the arrows, pressing, not holding the arrows, and never daring to hold the A button that is their dreams." Or maybe I'm reading too much into a piss stained video game booklet. You decide!

Holy God. One thing you should know about this game, is that it had some of the most cumbersome controls ever, and this illustrates that. Look at that shit, it's like I'm reading the periodic tables of elements. But hey, atleast now you know the atomic number for a giant fucking foot. Oh and guess what? Unlike most wrestling games where the same pinning controls pretty much apply to everyone, this game makes you look that shit up. B + UP over Down?

What the fuck, fractions? Am I supposed to add B to Up, and multiply that by down, or see how many Up Downnths will divide into B?

Wow I loved Golden X, Death Adder was a pain in the ass to beat on arcade though. Acclaim clearly didn't want to say it was a cross, eventhough that's clearly what Hogan's symbol is. Too bad Christ wasn't crucified on a pair of giant shades, and then we wouldn't have this problem.

Mercifully we near the end, but not without this little nugget of joy. Apparently Ted Dibiase's sole mission in life, was to pay people to do disgusting things. I have this mental image of Dibiase sitting on his bed in a dimly lit Motel 6 watching a female midget eat creamed corn out of a quadriplegic's asshole. I wonder how he gets away with tha...$$$$

So remember kids, pressing in between the keys never got anyone anywhere, right Bam Bam?

Playin’ in the sandbox: 25th Anniversary GI Joes part 1

2007-07-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

"Teaching you how not to kill yourself since 1982"

To continue with my trend of reviewing figures based on 1980's properties, I decided to cover one of the most sucessful lines ever. So sucessful, that it's survived in some form or another for the past 25 years.

I'm speaking of course of GI Joe: Real American Hero. While the GI Joe license has been around since the 60's, RAH didn't come onto the scene until 1982. Hasbro borrowed heavily from Kenner's monster Star Wars line, by choosing 3 3/4 inch action figures, and appropriately sized vehicles and playsets. But the Joes would need something else to make them stand out among a sea of action figures, and that's where Larry Hama came in.

Hama had been flying under the radar at Marvel Comics as a mid-level writer, and had recently pitched an idea to his superiors about a comic centering around an elite special mission force, only to have it rejected. When Hasbro came knocking, looking to Marvel for a comic to support the toyline, Hama was the guy that drew the short straw, due to the fact that every other writer in the company had turned it down.

Hama used his rejected idea as a backstory for the Joes, and based the characters on people he had met during his tour of duty in Vietnam. Hasbro was so impressed with Hama's work, they asked him to flesh out each character bio on the figure packaging, in the form of dossier cards, which kids could cut out and save. The rest as they say, is history.

With all that in mind, I was more than a little excited when I learned that Hasbro would pay tribute to the line, in special 25th anniversary figures. Now I should preface but saying these aren't re-releases of earlier figures, but rather all new sculpts loosely based on the original figures.

First up, we take a look at one of the more iconic characters not only in the GI Joe universe, but in pop culture itself.

Good old Double C himself, the raspy voiced comedic foil, Cobra Commander. First thing you'll notice, is that Hasbro pulled out all the stops here, recreating the original packaging down to the smallest detail. In fact the only noticeable difference is a silver tint to the stripes, and the 25th anniversary logo in the right hand corner.

Accessory-wise, Cobra Commander isn't going to blow you away. He comes with a sidearm, and a base, and yes, the old school cut out dossier card. Not really an issue for me, because the Cobra Commander wasn't known for wielding a ton of weapons. Not only do these differ in appearance from the original line, but the plastic and articulation are also different. If you recall, the original line had a more metallic feel, and a slight heavyness to them. That's no longer the case, as these have a much lighter plastic material. Also, the famous O-ring used to connect the figure at the waist is gone, since the entire torso is now one solid piece.

This is only one version of Cobra Commander. There is another in Cobra five pack, where he's wearing his helmet and faceplate. Depending on your preference, you lean more toward that one.

Up next is one my hands down favorite GI Joe character ever.

The stealth ninja Snake Eyes was a fan favorite of a lot of boys during the line's peak, and to this day, he has maintained a loyal fan base. Again, like CC, the packaging is virtually unchanged.

Now while Cobra Commander lacked in accessories, Snake Eyes does a lot better. In an effort to recreate the original figure, Hasbro included his pet wolf Timber, who I have to admit, I know little about, but he is a nice bonus. Snake Eyes also comes with his trademark kitana sword, and uzi, and a hunting knife, in addition to the base and dossier card. Much like the original line, the hands on these guys are pre-sculpted so they should be able to hold their weapons easily.

Again, like Cobra Commander, there is another version of Snake Eyes in a five pack boxed set, in a more familiar look.

So I got Snake Eyes, and you can't have Snake Eyes without this guy:

Now this version of Storm Shadow features his look when he was a part of GI Joe. Again, like the other two, there is another version of Storm Shadow in a five pack, that version in his Cobra gear.

Storm Shadow blows the other two figure away in the accessory department, because he has a bunch of them. He comes with two kitana swords, a knife, a bow and arrow, and of course the base and dossier card. If you're up to it, he has a quiver, and duel scabbards on his back that are also removable.

The back of the packaging hints at future waves with silhouettes, and a cursory glance will tell you we're getting another Snake Eyes, Serpentor, and Ship Wreck at some point. And if I were a betting man, I'd put money on there being some vehicles and playsets on the horizon.

Overall, I'm pleased with these, and I think they're a nice tribute to one of the best toylines of all time. I do have a few complaints, namely the lack of double jointed knees and elbows, and they're more expensive this time around, clocking in at about 5 and a half bucks a piece, they aren't as cheap as they were, but then again, it's not 1987 anymore. If you're a fan of the old show or toyline, I'd recommend picking a couple of them up.

Children’s Letters to Pac-Man

2007-07-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

1983. Giovanni Vigliotto goes on trial for multiple counts of bigamy involving 105 women. M*A*S*H ends after 11 years and 251 episodes on CBS. Return of the Jedi opens in the United States. Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space, on the Space Shuttle Challenger. President Ronald Reagan makes his initial proposal to develop technology to intercept enemy missiles. McDonald's introduces the McNugget. And, of course, the video games industry collapses under itself after the release of E.T. on the Atari 2600.

In the meantime, kids write letters to Pac-Man.

AUDIO ARMAGEDDON: RABBIT FUR COAT

2007-06-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, that Jenny Lewis. Gone are the carefree days of making out with Fred Savage and getting felt up by creepy old men. J-Lew's all grown'd up now, and she's a rockstar.

But before I continue on with this review, I feel we should all get something out of our systems first.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll continue. I'm normally not a fan of recently released music, but last year, this album really caught my attention. I'll admit, I wouldn't have given a frog's fat ass about Jenny Lewis had she not been in the greatest film of all time, The Wizard (now available on DVD!) starring the adorable Fred Savage. I hope Ms. Lewis isn't resentful about starring in a Fred Savage movie about Nintendo, because I guarantee you it helped her career more than it ever could've hurt it.

Anyways, I just finally got around to purchasing this album, and I'm pleasantly surprised. The vocals are hauntingly beautiful. I mean, it's the stuff that will make the hair on your balls stand up and slap you in the face. The entire vibe of the record is just beautiful. It's like country, without the twangy vocals that, sorry to say, went out of style long ago.

When I first popped this album in, I wasn't really sure what to expect. It was either going to blow, or it was going to be fantastic. Now, there are a couple of stinkers, but the majority of the album is absolutely delightful. I'll review a few highlights.

The album opens with a track called Run Devil Run. Albeit a tad boring, it's certainly a good opener. The album really kicks off with The Big Guns, which harkens back to bouncy folk music of the 60s and 70s, such as The Beatles' Rubber Soul.

The next song, Rise Up With Fists, definitely has a country sound. I'm reminded of greats such as Tammy Wynette and Loretta Lynn.

Next is Happy, which is instantly in my top 10 songs ever. It's just heavenly. It reminds me of the LonLon Ranch theme from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. This song must be heard to be believed, although the end of the song seems to borrow a few guitar melodies from Willie Nelson's Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain. But hey, it's a good sound, why the hell not?

Next up is The Charging Sky and Melt Your Heart, followed by You Are What You Love. All three are just peachy. The title track, Rabbit Fur Coat, is one of the only two stinkers on the album. It's cute the first couple of times, but it gets incredibly boring.

It seems they were ballsy enough to cover the Travelling Wilburys song, Handle with Care. I'm sorry, but this is one of those songs that shouldn't be covered, ever. J-Lew and the Watson Twins could've sang the entire song themselves and kept up with the theme of a female driven album, but no, they had to bring in a couple of "all-star" indie dipshits who are very obviously trying to replicate Roy Orbison and Bob Dylan. It can't be done, but they get points for trying.

Anyway, minor gripe aside, next is Born Secular, a smokey bar room piano ballad, and It Wasn't Me, which does a good job of closing the album. The record ends with a fantastic reprise of Happy, and it couldn't have ended a better way. All in all, I give this album 9 out of 10 Power Gloves. Best album of 2006, although that ain't saying much.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE TRAILER MOVIE PREVIEW THING

2007-06-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Playin’ in the Sandbox: TRU exclusive Soundwave re-release.

2007-06-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Between JJ and myself, Transformers is getting a lot of play lately, but that's a good thing.

Today I'm covering something very special, in that it didn't come out with the current flood of Transformers merchandise.

In the Transformers universe, the Decepticon totem pole usually has Megatron and Starscream as 1 and 2. However, number three is no slouch himself, and has a relatively strong following among fans. More than maybe any Transformer, Soundwave had the coolest design, in that his "in disguise" form was that of a cassette player. Doesn't sound too lethal at first, until you realize the tape deck contains Soundwave's ruthless little assassins, Ravage and Lazerbeak.

Takara and Hasbro captured his look well in the original toy, but almost twenty years later, it's become relatively impossible to find that Soundwave in decent condition, and at an affordable price.

Thankfully TRU and Hasbro started re-releasing the original G1 (Generation 1) figures, and Soundy here is the latest.

Click on the pics for a closer view of the packaging.

As you can see, the packaging has changed from the original, but I like it. The design was made with collectors in mind, because of the gatefold cover, and clear window with velcro fasteners. In case you're wondering, Soundwave can be re-packaged with relative ease, should you decide to display him in the box.

Me, I'm an opener, so I wasted no time in busting him out of the package. It's hard to tell from the pics there, but he's packed in double sided clamshell, so you're gonna have a big task ahead of you opening him up.

Oh yes, the included transforming instructions read like a thesis on quantum physics, but don't let that discourage you. Though I do find it discouraging to learn that my manual dexterity isn't what it was in 1987.

Yes, it's so easy, even the flamingly homosexual Geico Caveman could do it, assuming he isn't pre-occupied with knawing on dick.

And oh yes Ravage and Lazerrbeak in robot

...and tape mode

Wait a minute, I got him put together, transformed, and yet I have this nagging feeling I missed something.

...God damnit.

Transformerpalooza Pt. 2: The Optimus Prime Edition

2007-06-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

Only one toy review this time, but it's an awesome toy, so it's totally cool that way, so check this shit out:

The Target Exclusive Movie Version

Optimus Prime!

There it is. Did you know that it can cost you upwards to 50 dollars to get the big size Optimus Prime figure from the upcoming movie? That's not gonna happen. I love you OP, but unless you are a G1 version, 40-50 dollars isn't gonna happen.

Jesus, that's how fucking awesome Prime is. Look at those fucking stats.

As you can see, it's not huge, which I prefer, it's much easier to display this way. It's fucking sweet. Sure, the flames are kind of lame, but big deal.

Truck mode. Yeah. The smoke stacks turn into weapons, which is totally awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPmzIw72yVE

There you fucking go. Shut the door. A little man pops in to make it look like someone is driving. Then the door opens, and he reappears. FUCK YEAH!

Playin’ In Nicks Sandbox: Transformerpalooza Pt. 1

2007-06-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Thank you Michael Bay, if for nothing else allowing a Transformers rebirth. I don't feel right thanking that man, even though he did direct The Rock, which is the best Action movie this side of Die Hard. Anyways, now toy aisle are overflowing with Transformers stuff. And G1 is getting it's fair share of the pie as well. Well, I have three Transformers toys I'd like to share with you right now, with some more at later dates. First up:

Okay, so this one isn't a tie in with the movie, and I got it months ago, but it sets the mood. These are the Titanium series figures. Each one is of a famous Autobot or Decpticon, and fully transforms and is made of the traditional die cast car metal. It's heavy, and has a cool base. Megatron here is modeled after his phase as a tank, which is awesome because tanks are awesome. I'm still surprised they didn't take that route in the Transformers movie, but whatever. It's an awesome figure and worth the 15 bucks I spent on it.

Bumblebee Vs. Barricade. The two pack. Pretty good stuff here. Tradition morphing toys featuring two recognizable characters as they appear in the movie. Barricade is a Saleen Mustang Police Car, and for whatever reason, Bumblebee is now a Camaro. It appears to be a '72 one at that. But he's yellow and black, so it's a partial win there. I guess making him look like a 2005 VW Bug would have been too goofy in a movie about aliens from Mars disguising themselves as everyday vehicles. Barricade is my favorite for three reason, it's a Saleen Mustang Police Car, it's easy to transform, and his push bumper pops open for a little decepticon to pop out of. Oh, and my Bumblebee doesn't transform into car mode correctly. Fuckers.

Last up is the best Transformers tie-in ever created. Seriously, it doesn't get any better than:

SOFTIMUS PRIME! Dear mother fucking God. Look at that little guy. He's adorable. He transforms, he's cuddly, and he's based on G1 OP, seriously, how much more awesome do you have to get?

Playin’ in the sandbox: Transformers Robot Heroes

2007-06-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

So if you're like me, you frequent Target and Walmart fairly often, looking for toys and junk you don't really need, except for the purposes of filling out a bookshelf. Chances are if you are this type of person, you've seen the glut of Transformers merchandise currently available. Most of it is movie based, but some of it is based on the cartoon, which brings me to:

Okay, so this clearly is a pic I got from ebay, but because my scanner is a POS, I was left with little option. Yes, wittle bitty Optimus and Ravage. Anyone that knows me is familiar with my Optimus obsession, which I've habored for the better part of 22 years, so this purchase was a no brainer.

This pic of the back carding is actually mine, and shows you the other available sets. What it doesnt' show is the Optimus vs. Unicron set, and a Walmart exclusive set, which is currently the only way to get Megatron.

Adorable isn't a word I like to throw around a lot, but damnit, that's what we got here. Ravage who was a cold blooded killer in G1, looks more like a sassy kitten, and my boy Optimus looks like a bossy 8 year old.

The only negative I can find is that they don't transform, which would've been nice. But only at 4 something a set, I can overlook that.

The 100 Greatest SNES Games of All-Time

2007-06-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Sponsored by NEC's TurboGrafx 16 - We were on Video Power! Twice!

It's no secret that I'm a biased, cock sucking SNES fanboy. And I loved the NES, more than life itself. But the SNES perfected everything we were introduced to in the 8-bit era. The SNES controller was better than the NES controller. 16-bit graphics were better than 8-bit. The library was bigger and bolder. The games were deeper. The SNES could very well be the most timeless gaming system ever.

But something happened when the N64 was released. The controller was... different. The graphics were beautiful for its time, but fuzzy and blocky today, while 16-bit hasn't seemed to age that badly. While the games were deeper than ever, the library was extremely lacking. My point is, there will never be another system quite like the SNES. The 16-bit era will live on more vibrantly than any other gaming generation.

So I shall now present, my 100 favorite SNES games. This list is not scientific, and has been a constant work in progress. It has been in an ever changing state, and may be forever. It's hard to rank 100 of anything, but here they are... for the moment. If you disagree, that's awesome. It probably means your mom wasn't smoking blunts while your dad's brother was fucking her with you still in the womb.

100. Faceball 2000
99. Zoop
98. RoboCop 3
97. Battle Cars
96. Yoshi's Safari
95. Killer Instinct
94. Street Fighter Alpha 2
93. Judge Dredd
92. Beavis and Butt-head
91. Final Fight 3
90. RoboCop versus the Terminator
89. WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game
88. Spider-Man and the X-Men: Arcade's Revenge
87. Front Mission: Gun Hazard
86. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters
85. Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers
84. Populous
83. Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage
82. Super Empire Strikes Back
81. Fatal Fury Special
80. Captain America & The Avengers
79. SimCity 2000
78. Fatal Fury 2
77. Street Fighter II: The World Warrior
76. Wild Snake
75. Super Tennis
74. Mortal Kombat II
73. Spider-Man: The Animated Series
72. Civilization
71. Super Return of the Jedi
70. Mega Man 7
69. Breath of Fire 2
68. Axelay
67. Arkanoid: Doh it Again
66. Super R-Type
65. Illusion of Gaia
64. California Games 2
63. Cool Spot
62. Harvest Moon
61. Front Mission
60. Mega Man X3
59. Final Fantasy Mystic Quest
58. Total Carnage
57. SimCity
56. Final Fight 2
55. Earthworm Jim 2
54. Battletoads in Battlemaniacs
53. Demon's Crest
52. Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!
51. Super Star Wars
50. Mario Paint
49. Bust-a-Move
48. X-Men: Mutant Apocalypse
47. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
46. Wolfenstein 3D
45. Uniracers
44. Super Smash TV
43. Mega Man X2
42. Fatal Fury
41. NBA Jam Tournament Edition
40. Gradius III
39. R-Type 3
38. Mortal Kombat III
37. Shadowrun
36. Breath of Fire
35. Secret of Evermore
34. Super Bomberman
33. Doom
32. Sunset Riders
31. Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts
30. Earthworm Jim
29. ActRaiser 2
28. Secret of Mana
27. Phalanx
26. Tetris Attack
25. Donkey Kong Country
24. Final Fight
23. F-Zero
22. Super Punch Out!!
21. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
20. Star Fox
19. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
18. Pilotwings
17. Castlevania: Dracula X
16. Tecmo Super Bowl
15. Super Double Dragon
14. Mega Man X
13. ActRaiser
12. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
11. Earthbound

10. Contra III: The Alien Wars

16-bit Contra, baby! Ah, just a mere mention of the word "Contra 3" brings back sweet, fuzzy memories of warm afternoons with friends... blistered fingers... broken controllers... injured cats... mothers with black eyes... holes in walls... goddammit, FUCK YOU, RED FALCON. Fuck you.

9. Super Metroid

Metroid was awesome on the NES. It was made portable on the Game Boy, with great results. But Super Metroid defined every aspect of the series. When you were a cootie-fearing, comic book loving boy, Samus was one chick you could hang with.

8. Street Fighter II Turbo

There were Mortal Kombat kids, and then there were Street Fighter kids. Mortal Kombat kids were usually hyperactive Ritalin-popping smartasses who watched their 'Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Karate Club: Featuring Jason Frank as Tommy' VHS tape every afternoon. But us Street Fighter kids, we were different. We could appreciate a good fight. We knew sportsmanship. We could shake hands after a game. Yeah, we could also get into fistfights over Ken's fucking cheap uppercut. But Street Fighter II: Turbo still holds up as one of many gamers' favorite fighting games.

7. Super Mario Kart

I fondly remember the first time I played this... and totally wiped out my sister with a turtle shell. From that moment on, my life would never be the same.

6. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

"MARIO?! RPG?!?! What the fuck is an RPG?", eleven-year-old me said aloud after reading his newest issue of Nintendo Power one rainy summer afternoon. This game breathed fresh life into the genre, with its quirky characters and timed-hits. Mario RPG is absolutely timeless.

5. Final Fantasy III

This is probably the RPG I've spent the most time with. Great gameplay, beautiful graphics and sound, and amazing story... even if I never really could make any fucking sense out of it. It's a dirty shame us Americans never got to see all of Siren's ass.

4. Final Fantasy II

No doubt, this one gets me the most nostalgic of the Final Fantasy games. To those who have yet to experience this masterpiece, what are you spoony bards waiting for? It's possibly the most well-balanced RPG you will find.

3. Chrono Trigger

Without a doubt, my favorite RPG ever. Even though I never really could wrap my mind around the story, that didn't stop the game from amazing me with the characters, battle system, graphics, and sound, and time traveling. I've always been a fan of time traveling, my interest undoubtedly sparked by the Back to the Future movies. And while time traveling and gaming had already come together in Sonic CD (the game's release was a fucking milestone in my life), Chrono Trigger actually made the concept work. Here's hoping a DS re-release and perhaps another sequel.

2. Super Mario World

Oh, Christmas '91, how I loved you so. I remember getting up and opening presents just like it was last week. The first few gifts I opened were great; a Ninja Turtles Party Wagon, a Fisher Price Little People farm... how could you top those? Why, with this: a Super Nintendo with Super Mario World. Well, the Super Mario World undies were great, too. And while Super Mario Bros. 3 will hold up as my favorite Mario game, nothing will top the list of SNES side-scrollers with Super Mario World.

Like you didn't see it coming...

1. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Ah... A Link to the Past. This was the sequel we wanted with Link's Adventure. Traditional Zelda gameplay and view, amazing graphics, and sounds that could get you yearning for yesterday. Everything about this game blew my fucking mind. Everything. The Light / Dark worlds, the dungeons, the boss fights, and even seeing the rain, which seems so ancient by today's standards. I may never be able to choose between this and Ocarina of Time as my favorite Zelda game, but this one is a no-brainer as my favorite SNES game.

genesis sucks

What I’m Playing This Weekend: 6-1-07

2007-06-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

Welcome aboard, I know it's killing you know, what games do I play? What could possible be on my plate for the weekend? What could I be drooling over? Well, here it is, find out what is going on in the world of J.J.

I've been on a bit of a Zelda bender lately, so I decided to finally pick up and finish Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap for the GBA. I'm pretty much done with it, I'm in the final stage kicking ass in all of it's weird hat powered goodness. A damn fine game that reminds you of the cuteness and innocence of the Zelda franchise. It's charming, like a Link To The Past.

Meh. It's okay, I've played better, but as far as a Wii fighting game goes, it's good. I've played MK:A already for the PS2, and these two titles are identical, except for the fact you can play as Khameleon, the female Ninja. You get your choice of controlers to use, Gamecube, Classic, or Wiimote/nunchuck combo with motion controls. The motion controls work well enough, sometimes you just stand there and do nothing, but they do their function. Motor Kombat is great, it uses the remote in traditional Wii racing styles. Rental only, don't bother if you've already played MK:A, it's a great fighting game, but not worth a replay.

Forza 2 is fantastic. I'm a HUGE Gran Turismo fan, and this game is right up there. It does some things better than Gran Turismo, and Gran Turismo 4 does things better than this game. Graphically, it's awesome, a little jaggy, but I'm not a bitch like that. The online stuff is DEEP. The picture you see above is a picture I took in game, and it uploaded it to the Forza site. You can give someone cars as a gift, you can auction off cars, or buy cars at auction, you can even kick back and watch some people race. Gran Turismo still wins in the car department, it has better cars, and I think the renders look better in the sense of not graphics, but design, Forza looks too clean and smooth, like a videogame, GT is a little dirty, and not as shiny, Forza cars look like detailed toys. And I still feel as though I can tinker a lot deeper in the GT series. Knowing I won't be getting a PS3 anytime soon, I love this game, and it will tide me over until the PS3 becomes affordable.

VA’s Top Ten ’80s Cartoons

2007-05-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

10. TIE -

Rude Dog and the Dweebs

Rude Dog was a white cartoon dog developed by Sun Sportswear in the 1980s as part of a line of surfing- and skateboarding-related clothing. The character was a stylized version of a Bull Terrier, and the name "Rude" had the dual purpose of glorifying bad behavior and referring to the Rude boy subculture of Ska that was popular at the time. The majority of the clothing used angular artwork and neon colors, in keeping with the fashion trend shared by Quiksilver, Vision Street Wear, PCH, and many others.

To further market the character, the Sun company also developed a Saturday morning cartoon entitled Rude Dog and the Dweebs. Rude Dog and the Dweebs was as colorful as the clothing it advertised. The punkish pooch himself drove a 1956 pink Cadillac across a backdrop of Beverly Hills imagined in hues of pastel and neon.

Rude Dog ran an auto shop, where he was assisted by the Dweebs, a motley group of dog assistants. The team included the stuttering Caboose, the uptight Brit Winston, a Jack Nicholson-esque Reggie, Southern-accented Barney, Sach, who sounded like Ed Wynn, and a friendly Chihuahua named Tweek. Rude Dog himself spoke with a Brooklyn accent and had a girlfriend named Gloria.

Their feline foe was the vicious Seymour, and joining him in the chase was the ubiquitous dog catcher Herman and his assistant Rot. Each week, Rude Dog and company balanced their auto shop duties with attempts to elude the persistent Seymour, Herman, and Rot.

The show aired on CBS for one season.

The Raccoons

The Raccoons was a Canadian animated television series, first broadcast from 1985 to 1992. First airing in 1980 with The Christmas Raccoons TV special, The Raccoons slowly began its journey to becoming a regular animated series, using assorted specials over the next few years as stepping stones (The Christmas Raccoons, The Raccoons On Ice, and The Raccoons and the Lost Star), before finally becoming a regular series in 1985. Five series of episodes were produced, airing from 1985 to 1992.

The series featured the adventures in the Evergreen Forest of Bert Raccoon and his friends Ralph and Melissa, particularly in their attempts to thwart the anti-environmentalist actions of a pink aardvark named Cyril Sneer and his trio of pig henchmen (called Lloyd, Floyd and Boyd).

9. Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget was an animated television series about a clumsy, absent-minded, and oblivious detective, Inspector Gadget, who is a cyborg with various "gadgets" built into his anatomy. Gadget's main nemesis is the mysterious Dr. Claw, leader of an evil organization known as MAD. This was the merchandising company DiC Entertainment's first syndicated show, and ran from 1983 to 1986 in syndication.

8. Thundercats

ThunderCats is an American animated television series developed by Rankin/Bass in 1983 based on the characters created by Tobin "Ted" Wolf. The animation was provided by Topcraft, a Japanese group who would later go on to form Studio Ghibli. Season 1 was shown in 1985 (65 episodes), followed by a TV movie entitled ThunderCats - HO! in 1986. Seasons 2, 3, and 4 followed a new format of 20 episodes each, starting with a five-part story. They aired from 1987 to 1988, 1988 to 1989, and 1989 to 1990, respectively.

7. Super Mario Bros. Super Show

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show was the only one of the three American Mario animated series to air in syndication. The first part of each episode was live action and showed Mario (played by "Captain" Lou Albano) and Luigi (Danny Wells) living in Brooklyn, where they would often be visited by celebrity guest stars, such as Cyndi Lauper, Danica McKellar, and a Cher impersonator. Occasionally, the main actors would be playing guest stars themselves, forcing their regular characters to leave when it came time for their other characters to show up.

The second part of each episode was a cartoon based on the Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. 2 video games, where Mario, Luigi, Princess Toadstool, and Toad battle against King Koopa, often in a movie parody. Getting into the spirit of these parodies, Bowser usually had a different outfit for each one. Interestingly, Wart, the main antagonist of the second game, was never in any of the episodes, yet most of his minions managed to appear. Like most 1980s cartoons, Bowser would prolong the series' run by escaping from his adversaries (which he did through the use of sub-space potions), despite the fact that they could easily catch him. The Super Mario Bros. cartoon was shown on Mondays through Thursdays only.

On Fridays, the show would air the Legend of Zelda cartoons based on the game of the same name, in which Link and Princess Zelda fight against the forces of Ganon. Scenes from the episode were shown during the live-action segments on the preceding days as sneak previews.

6. Transformers

The Transformers cartoon depicted giant robots, each of which had at least two modes. In one mode, the Transformer often resembled a humanoid, or in some cases, an animal. In their alternate mode, they were disguised as vehicles, creatures, or objects. The Transformers were divided into protagonist Autobots and antagonist Decepticons.

5. Muppet Babies

Jim Henson's Muppet Babies aired from 1984 to 1991 on CBS. Loosely based on a sequence in the Muppet movie, The Muppets Take Manhattan, in which Miss Piggy imagined what it would be like if she and Kermit the Frog grew up together, the show portrayed childhood versions of Muppets living together in a large nursery in the care of a human woman called Nanny. The most notable feature of this show is that it started a trend for relaunching popular character franchises as younger versions of themselves. This trend can be seen in A Pup Named Scooby Doo, Baby Looney Tunes, Flintstones Kids, and numerous others.

4. Jem

Jem ran from 1985 to 1988. The show is about a singer, Jem, her band the Holograms, and their adventures. Catch phrases from the show included "Showtime, Synergy!" and "Outrageous!" (the latter usually associated with supporting character Kimber).

Despite the fact that the show was originally designed by Hasbro for the purpose of marketing a line of dolls, it was acclaimed for its interweaving storylines and complex backstory, which were almost unheard of in an animated television series at the time. The show also features two-minute music videos, tying it in with the concept of MTV and its burgeoning popularity. The animated series still retains a very loyal fan-following and to this day is still widely regarded as one of the 80's finest cartoons.

3. TIE -

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is an American animated television series produced by Filmation based on Mattel's successful toy line Masters of the Universe. It made its television debut in 1983 and ran until 1985, consisting of two seasons of 65 episodes each. The show, often referred to as simply He-Man, was one of the most popular animated children's shows of the 1980s and has retained a heavy cult following to this day.

She-Ra: Princess of Power

She-Ra made her début in the five-part opening adventure to the syndicated series which premiered in 1985. This five-part story (comprising of "Into Etheria", "Beast Island", "She-Ra Unchained", "Reunions" and "Battle For Bright Moon") was later re-edited into the full length animated movie, He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of the Sword. The syndicated series was cancelled in 1986, after 2 seasons and 93 episodes.

2. The Smurfs

In 1976, Stuart R. Ross, an American media and entertainment entrepreneur who saw the Smurfs while travelling in Belgium, entered into an agreement with Editions Dupuis and Peyo, acquiring North American and other rights to the characters. Subsequently, Ross launched the Smurfs in the United States in association with a California company, Wallace Berrie and Co., whose figurines, dolls and other Smurf merchandise became a hugely popular success. NBC television executive Fred Silverman's daughter had a Smurf doll of her own, and Silverman thought that a series based on the Smurfs might make a good addition to his Saturday-morning lineup.

The Smurfs secured their place in North American pop culture in 1980, when the Saturday-morning cartoon, The Smurfs, produced by Hanna-Barbera Productions, finally debuted on NBC from 1981 to 1990. The show became a major success for NBC, spawning spin-off television specials on an almost yearly basis. The Smurfs was nominated multiple times for Daytime Emmy awards, and won Outstanding Children's Entertainment Series in 1982–1983. Parts of Modeste Mussorgsky's 1874 classical musical composition, Pictures at an Exhibition (Gnomus, Tuileries, Gargamel's theme variation about 1.5 minutes in, and a scene segue part about 10 minutes in), are used in the cartoon. The series currently airs in reruns on Boomerang, and 26 selected episodes were aired in DiC Entertainment's syndicated programming blocks. The series is still being shown regularly on many channels throughout the world. The cartoon was formerly distributed by Television Program Enterprises (the later name of Rysher Entertainment) and WorldVision Enterprises, Inc. by having some episodes with those company names. The cartoon is now distributed by Warner Bros. Television.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

On December 10th, 1987, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' first cartoon series began, starting as a 5-part miniseries and became a regular Thursday morning syndicated series on September 8th, 1988 with 13 more episodes. Starting on September 4th, 1989, the series was expanded to weekdays and had 65 more episodes for the new season. On September 10th, 1990, the series (with a different opening sequence and end credits) began its run on CBS. The weekend edition presented a full hour of Turtle Power, initially airing a couple of (then) Saturday exclusive episodes back to back. The series ran until November 2nd, 1996. The popularity of the series gave rise to numerous imitators, including Battletoads, Street Sharks, and Biker Mice From Mars.

Playin’ in The Sandbox: Street Fighter Previews Ryu Mini-Review

2007-05-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

Why mini? Because it's 10 after midnight as I type this.

A couple years ago, I made a bonehead move. See, SOTA Toys had just launched it's Street Fighter action figure line. It flew somewhat under the radar at first, but soon word spread in the collector community, and hardcore and casual SF fans a like picked up the line.

Me, being the tight fisted bastard I am, knew this one June day, when I walked into Hot Topic, and spotted a lone Ryu figure in his white Gi. Sure he looked cool, but I only had 30 bucks on me, and he was 14.99. "I'll pick him up later." I said to myself. WRONG. So fucking wrong. He was gone the next day, and I've lamented that decision ever since. Especially since that figure now fetches 40 bucks on the secondary market.

Since then I've gone a long, picking up certain figures from each subsequent wave, knowing there's a huge gap in my collection. Ah, but SOTA bailed me out. Last year they announced they were going to reboot if you wheel, the SF line, in a new scale, and new body type. The first three figures would be released under the "Previews" banner, consisting of Ken, Akuma, and you guessed it, Ryu.

During a jaunt at Sam Goody today, I spotted these figures, and thanking God for second chances, picked up Ryu.

Now this is normally the part where I'd show you the packaging, but I have to admit, I popped him open in the parking lot, and ditched the box somewhere. Basically it's just a large white box, with pictures of the figure on it, and some kanji written on the front, and the word "Previews" prominently featured. You'll know when you see it, trust me.

Anyway, on to the figure itself:

As you can see, Ryu is fairly impressive, and the scanner doesn't do him justice. He has about 33 points of articulation, so you'll get him in pretty much any pose you want. His Gi is made of a soft vinyl plastic, as is his head band.

He comes with two hands, closed fists, and open "Shoryuken" palms. He also has a clear base, which can be used to pose him doing the hurricane kick.

Now, while I love this figure, I feel kind of cheated. First off, the original figure came with an extra head, and a duffel bag, in addition to the hands. Secondly, the price. Ryu rang up at 19.29, while the other SF figures generally run from 13 to 15 bucks at retail. I almost feel as if I paid extra for the packaging. Also, if you do have the older figures, Ryu is slightly out of scale, so be warned.

That being said, it's still an oustanding figure, and not a purchase I regret. For anyone that collected the old line, or for anyone that was looking for a new jumping on point to start collecting them, you can't go wrong here.

Playin’ in the Sandbox: Another Pee-Wee’s Playhouse re-release figure review.

2007-04-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

Back again with yet another look at Neca's Pee-Wee's Playhouse line. Last time, we took a look at Pee-Wee himself, that review can be found by simple scrolling down, you lazy fuck.

Anywho, another trip to Spencer's, netted yet another figure, let's see who I got.

"I'm trying to free your mind."

Yes friends, it's Morpheus as seen in Keanu Reeves recurring wet dream "Moo Moo Buckaroo". Or...It's a Cowboy Curtis figure, fuck if I know.

Yes, upon the suggestion of my lady friend Alex, I did indeed pickup Curtis here from Spencer's today. The picture of Pee-Wee and Curtis on the carding suggests Paul Reubens is tryin not to laugh while Fishburne is explaining how he totally nailed the Dream Warriors screen test.

The Cowboy here is a nice looking figure considering how long ago it came out, and seems like he's made of heavier plastic. The paint is pretty clean, and the detail is surprisingly cool, especially on the vest and boots. Anyway, get a good look at the figure by clicking on the pics below. Or don't, see if I give a shit.

Now anyone reading this is thinking: "Hey asshole, last time you bitched about the price of these things, and you went and bought another one?" You'd be right, it is kind of hypocritical of me, however I came to the conclusion I couldn't own just one of these. I mean shit, you can't just have Pee-Wee standing there by himself, with his thumb up his ass.

These still retail for 13 bucks, and they still aren't really worth it, but hey, that's 13 bucks you might've sent to Feed the Homeless, and fuck them. Spencer's is still the only place that carries these right now, so prepare to to weave your way around big, cock shaped daiquiri blenders on the way to re-capturing your childhood.

Playin'; in the Sandbox: Pee-Wee's Playhouse Series 1 Re-Release

2007-04-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to be honest right up front, I'm not the most diehard Pee-Wee fan in the world, but the show does have a special place in my heart, being a kid from the 80's.

When I heard NECA Toys had accquired the rights to release Playhouse inspired toys, I was excited. When I heard Paul Reubens had asked them to re-release the original '87 Matchbox line, I was more excited. Now having bought one, am I still as excited? We'll see.

A casual jaunt into Spencer's brought me face to face with the re-releases. Present were Pee-Wee, Miss Yvonne, and Cowboy Curtis, though Jambi & The Puppetland Band, and Pterri are also in the first wave of re-releases.

After some debate, I bought one figure. Why just one? We'll get to that. But I think it's pretty obvious who I purchased.

Yep, the man himself, Pee-Wee Herman.

First off, NECA went to great lengths to recreate the look and feel of the Matchbox line. The carding is pretty much dead-on, including the big "AS SEEN ON TV" that was present on the original packaging.

Now we'll move to the back of the packaging, and we'll see why I only bought one figure.

Hmmm..Collect 'em all, wave one, 12.99...HOLY SHIT, WHAT? Yeah, that's not an illusion folks. This little piece of nostalgia ran me 13 dollars. Granted, I'd pay more for the original online, and NECA has to pay for the licensing fees, but Jesus.

So once we get past that, let's take a look at the figure itself.

As you can see, Pee-Wee here retains every detail of the Matchbox version right down to the crazy red cheeks, and squishy head. He comes with no accessories, but then, neither did the original, so I can't gripe too much. In the end, it's going to be up to the individual whether or not they want to collect a line with such a steep price tag. Part of me suspects the prices will vary, because Spencer's has a nasty habit of jacking up prices simply because they can, but I would guess 10 bucks a pop is about as cheap as you'll find them. In my case, I kind of balked at the price, but since I never had the original figures, because my parents simply didn't care for the show (and this was pre-masturbatory Pee-Wee too), I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.

And note that the words "Series 1" are featured very prominently, so there's a chance we'll see others from the original line, like Reba, Globey and Randy, and my personal favorite, the King of Cartoons. So was it worth it the money? I can't say that it was, but I do know that a Pee-Wee figure, with an added touch of a wasted ball of tinfoil put a smile on my face.

Barney's Hide and Seek

2007-03-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sponsored by Joesph Leiberman

Ah, Barney's Hide and Seek. A true cult classic that, as I'm sure you're well aware, slipped under the radar of many Sega Genesis owners back in the early '90s. How could you not love Barney the dinosaur? He's purple, he sings, he loves. And he's in a video game where you get to play hide and seek! What's hide and seek, you ask? Well, that's a game us old timers used to play back before you bastard kids had your fancy "virtual reality" machines like the R-Zone and the Virtual Boy.

I'm in a loving mood today, and I'm willing to give this game a fair shot. Who knows, it might actually be fun!

So, I boot up the game, and I see the familiar Sega logo, in time with Barney saying the word "booiiing". Somewhere, as we speak, Barney's getting one huge purple erection, ready to splash his white, creamery semen all over Baby Bop's face. No wonder she carries that blanket around with her all the time. Seriously though, purple nigger's hung.

Well, this is helpful. Hints for gown-opps! Barney is looking for 5 friends, and 5 presents in each level. Move Barney left and right? USE THE BUTTONS? God, this is too complicated.

As I move Barney to the right, he points out that there is a watering can. Oh boy! Barney talks too fucking much. If only my Zapper worked with my Genesis, I'd splatter Barney's face all over Baby Bop. Don't worry, she's used to taking a facial.

LOOK OUT, MICHAEL!

If you leave Barney alone, he'll start moving on his own. Why can't he find this shit himself? Barney seems to have a serious case of ADD. HERE'S A RACCOON OH BOY A BALLOON OH LOOK THERE'S A RABBIT OH BOY A SNAIL LOOK IT'S A TRASHCAN. No wonder everybody's kids are on Ritalin today. Yay a trashcan!

Um... yeah.

Hey! I found one whole item! I fail at life!

*blows out brains with an AR-15*

Anyways, my headless corpse gives this heaping pile of shit 2 out of 10 happy trashcans. One point goes for the enthralling, yet erotic rape scene between Barney and Baby Bop. The other point was given because Barney blows kisses whenever you push the C button. That's the most action I've had since I was weaned off the tit.

Playing in the Sandbox: TMNT Happy Meal Premium

2007-03-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Two things in the world are guaranteed to make you feel like a kid again, or atleast they are for those of us here at VA. One being the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the other being Happy Meals. The mere mention of either is enough to take you back to the days when Toys R Us was still cool, you actually looked forward to birthday parties, and Optimus Prime died every god damn week.

So imagine the look on my face when I found out that the two would combine into some ultra-orgamic nostalgia thingy. Just picture that scene from every episode of Happy Days when Henry Winkler does something amazing, and there stands Richie Cunningham, in mouth agape Fonzie mark out mode. That was me.

So with that, I travelled to the local McDonald's and somehow managed the nerve to order a Mighty Kid's Meal, which is basically a Happy Meal with more food.

Who could it be now? NAH NAH NAH NAAAAAH! To be honest, I was hoping for Raphael, who has always been my favorite, let's see who I got.

It's Mikey! I'm going to be brutally honest, Michaelangelo was never my favorite turtle as a kid, due to the way he was kind of forced on us, but I kind of warmed up to him in later years. As you can see, Mike is pretty much what you can expect from a fast food premium. He has articulation at the shoulders and head, can turn at the waist, but that's pretty much it.

Look at that picture long enough, and you'll notice a pretty big oversight, no nunchucks. Yes, 60% of Mike's gimmick has been left out. It wouldn't have been a big deal, if I hadn't seen the insert that came with him:

What the hell? Leo and Don get their respective kitana sword and bo staff, but Michaelangelo and Raphael get shafted out of both of their weapons? This kind of short range weapon bias dates back to the orginal TMNT game for the NES, where if you picked anyone other than Leonardo or Donatello, you were pretty much dog shit. Bad form, golden arches, bad form.

Also, based on the picture above, it would appear your odds of getting a decent toy are pretty much left up to fate. You either get an action figure, or a shitty squirt thingy. Since Mike had a big number '1' on his package, I'm assuming the action figure turtles will all come out first, followed by the squirters.

Added bonus on Mike though, if you were wise enough to pick up the Toddler Turtles pack from Playmates, they appear to fit together nicely:

Where's Waldo? The Ultimate Fun Review

2007-03-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Where's Waldo? Why should I care? Will Fox News proclaim me a hero if I find him? Who cares. We all know that Waldo is long dead. BOYCOTT ARUBA.

Anyhoo, it's no doubt that Where's Waldo is one of the greatest works in the history of literature. At least, it was to me. The only "books" I "read" in my youth were High Heel Magazine and Where's Waldo.

Sure, Waldo was a fucking wuss, and his girlfriend Wenda was probably his sister, but Waldo showed kids that not all books are fucking boring. Screw reading about that Huck fag. I'm gonna look for Waldo!

We watched the Where's Waldo cartoon on CBS every Saturday morning. We ate the Where's Waldo pasta. Waldo soon became a sell-out pop culture phenomenon. And like all sell-out pop culture phenomenons, Waldo got his very own NES game! Two, as a matter of fact! I'm only going to review the second one because you get to play a bonus level where a dog with glasses rides a carpet.

As I first boot up the game, I am graced with this spectacular title screen, which is blaring the Where's Waldo theme song from the cartoon series. Memories.

And so we begin. I'm supposed to be searching for rolling paper so Waldo and Wizard Whitebeard can smoke magical marijuana. Also, if you find Waldo's dog, Woof, you get to ride a flying carpet. I'm not making this stuff up.

SEE? SEE? I TOLD YOU.

So, I have to drag a magnifying glass cursor around the screen, and click on Waldo, that is, if I'm smart enough to find him. Sure, I’m a fetus that will be dumped into a trashcan by my teenage mother who was raped by her eleven year old brother, but give me some credit.

YAY I FELL SOOO SMRT CUZ I FOND WADO LOL

Okay, so I just began level two, and I already see Waldo is taking it in the ass from the dude with a shield. Does Waldo have no shame? Does this game require any skill at all?

YAY I DID IT AGAN I FOND WADO

HMM. I WONDER WHICH ONE IS WALDO?

I feel like I've accomplished so much!

YAY IT'S WOOF I GET TO RIDE THE FLYING CARPET

Seriously, man, this is like, tripping vaginas.

Uh-oh, Waldo's done gone missing again. Oh, there he is!

I FEEL SO BEAUTIFUL

And yes, after five long, excruciating minutes, I've finally reached the last level.

Gayest final level ever. And I mean that literally. I must admit, this one always managed to confuse the fuck out of me. Why must I find the Waldo wearing a sock? Why are there so many Waldo's? Is this a cuddle party? Why am I playing this pile of shit, and better yet, why am I wasting my time reviewing it?

Yes, that was the entire game.

These fuckers spent more time coming up with cute little nicknames for themselves than actually polishing this piece of shit. It's a nice game, for all eight minutes it lasts, but come the fuck on.

I give this game 5 out of 10 cans of Where's Waldo pasta. It was fun when I was five, but this just doesn't hold up at all now. There could have been so much more to this game.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play Barney's Hide and Seek.

Another Look Back: WCW vs. NWO World Tour Official Strategy Guide

2007-03-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, yet another strategy guide review? This time with even more spelling errors? YES!

Back in the late 90's, pro wrestling underwent a surge in popularity, and this was reflected in various forms of merchandise. Unfortunately for fans of video games and wrestling itself, most wrestling games sucked during this era. Sure, we got Raw is War for the PS and N64 from Acclaim, but if you're holding that one up as an example of a passable wrestling game, your standards are amazingly low, which is why you only date women in wheelchairs, you sick fuck you.

Thankfully THQ and AKI decided to bring the Virtual Pro Wrestling series over to the states, slap a couple WCW logos on it, and make us forget the horror that was In Your House. The first game was WCW vs. the World for the PS. It was crude but functional, though good luck finding anyone that remembers it. In late 1997, the N64 got a shot in the form of WCW vs. NWO: World Tour, and the rest was history.

Once again we're dealing with an OFFICIAL strategy guide. The Giant is conveying it's officialness with gritted teeth, and bags under his eyes that suggested he was in the middle stages of a drug problem. And as you can see, this guide is written by Brian Boyle. Remember that name for the remainder of your days.

Before you actually play the game, Brian Boyle feels he should throw some wrestling terminology at you. I said some, and I meant a lot. Brian obviously views himself as a wrestling historian, so he felt the need to list a page and a half of actual wrestling terms, and some shit he just made up.

Oh Brian Boyle, you're such a number 3.

3. A fucking asshole

Keep in mind, THIS GAME IS NOT A KAYFABE. So everything is like 100% legit. My cousin's friend from two towns over told me so. You've never heard of him, and he doesn't have a phone.

Once Brian feels he's wasted enough paper, we take a look at some of the wrestlers featured in the game.

Oh boy, Ric Flair! With his charismatic interviews *21, his breathtaking entrances *22, and his glittering robes! *23

21 The only speech in the game is in the intro, with the Giant screaming about being tired of Eggo waffles

22 There are no entrances, just guys adjusting their balls in the corner

23 The robe budget was spent on adding Glacier to the game

It's the Hulkster! The Immortal Hulk Hogan! Complete with his patended finishing move, the Top Rope Stinky Leg Drop! I totally remember when he dropped the Stinky Top Rope Leg on Andre! Truely, Brian Boyle is a wrestling encyclopedia*24

24 Suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

In addition to the WCW roster, there were other wrestlers in the game. Many of these were NJP wrestlers, with different names, and a little Brian Boyle fictional bio magic added.

Rejected Brian Boyle Saladin bios:

What if he's like a child molestor AND a cobra?

Dusty Rhodes in sweat pants, covered in shoe polish

If you were willing to devote 6 weeks of your life to the game, you'd eventually reach the final boss, Joe Bruiser.

So depite his BIG FUCKING RIGHT UPPERCUT TO THE CHIN OH MY GOD I'M COMING, Brian opted to include numerous pictures of Joe getting fucked up by a polygon Hot Topic customer.

After reading this guide, I decided to find out more about the man behind the player's guide, and emailed Prima to get in touch with Mr. Boyle. To my delight, I not only got a response, but an autographed photo from Brian himself:

Remember ALF? He's back. In Sega Master System form.

2007-03-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

Sponsored by:

"Just watch us now... please?"

Oh, how I cherish my sweet, yet cloudy memories of the 1980s. Michael Jackson could be trusted in a McDonald's Playplace. Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. Huey Lewis and the News showed us the power of love. We lived to find out the secret word of the day. We fell in love with a spunky girl called Punky. We played with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys, we slept on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets, we ate Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pudding Pies, and were most likely conceived because our parents used Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles condoms.

These were the days that we could buy a licensed video game, and no matter how bad it was, our love was so blind for Robocop, Ghostbusters, or even the Noid, that we could play the biggest piece of shit, without any complaint. As long as I got to steer Kermit the Frog in an innertube, all was right with the world.

My very earliest memories are of me watching ALF. I was absolutely fascinated by the character. ALF was unlike anything I had ever seen before. He ate cats, he was fluffy, and that nose... just, wow. Oh, and those one liners... what a guy, that ALF was.

The bitch that babysat me in the late '80s had a Sega Master System. What the fuck is a Sega? We only had a Nintendo, and goddammit, it was good enough for me. But one game really caught my eye: ALF. That's right, this bitch had an ALF VIDEO GAME. I only remember snippets of the game; ALF jumping around in the kitchen, ALF running away from child molesters, and ALF getting run over by a kid on a motorcycle.

As the years went by, I had pretty much forgotten about the ALF game, but not ALF in general. I was heartbroken when NBC cancelled my beloved sitcom. Fast forward to 1996. ALF IS BACK WITH A NEW TV MOVIE ON ABC! And so my love affair with ALF began yet again. I pulled my talking ALF doll out of the closet, and watched my reruns of ALF on the old Betamax.

Of course, 1996 came and went. ALF was gone yet again, and I had since moved on. UNTIL NOW.

Note, that this is the first time, in seventeen years, that I have played this game. Back then, I really didn't know what the fuck you're supposed to do in this game. I still don't.

So, I gather that ALF has crashed his spaceship into the Tanners' garage. Why is there a Segway on the roo--

Whoa, ALFer, settle down. Well, it's nice to see this game represents ALF's totally rad '80s attitude. Cowabunga!

So, I guess I'm supposed to find gas for ALF's Segway. Wait, do Segways use gas?

LOOK, IT'S A CAT! AND ALF IS GOING TO EAT IT! Hey, I don't remember Lucky being orange. Why is there a strange man slowly creeping behind ALF?

Alright, I think ALF just ate the cat, but how the hell did a pedophile get in the house? Where are the Tanners? Oh, that's right. Willie is probably out driving drunk, and smoking crack out of Dr. Pepper cans with black guys, and Kate is probably in the shower with the Ochmoneks. Kinky bitch.

Okay, I think this is the living room, and I still have no idea what the hell is going on here. By now, I should mention the music. I believe this is the worst music I have ever heard in a video game.

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

IT JUST PLAYS OVER AND FUCKING OVER. And behind all of the doo dooing, you can faintly hear what sounds like a bed bouncing against the wall. It's probably just Willie having sex with all of those rent boys he smokes crack with.

The graphics are pretty shitty, even for 8-bit, and this just might be the most frustrating thing I've ever attempted to play. Normally when I'm hipped up on NyQuil at 3am, I can blast through any game you throw at me... but goddamn. At this point, I'm ready to stab my eyes with a straw.

Well, ALF just got run over by a motorcycle. At this point, I don't really care anymore. I suppose ALF will never go on to do those 10-10-220 commercials with Terry Bradshaw.

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

Not that I actually played to the end, but here are the fuckers that will be rotting in hell over this pile of shit.

I give this game 10 out of 10 gourmet cats. Sure, the gameplay, graphics, and sound are fucking awful, but come on! IT'S ALF!

A Look Back: NBA JAM TE Players's Guide

2007-03-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

Back in the early 90's at the peak of the console wars, it seemed as if a new game came out every week for the SNES or Genesis. In some cases such as Mortal Kombat, and it's respective sequels, games had multi-console launches. Seeking to reap even more cash during the gaming boom, companies began releasing players guide's for certain games.

Let's be clear though, there were "Unauthorized " guide, and "Official" guides. What's the difference you ask? Unauthorized simply meant that an independent company released a player's guide without clearing it with the game's maker, and couldn't use the logos on the cover. So if you had any plans to play the bad boy card, and impress Susan Bigtits next door with your unauthorized guide, she'd headbutt you into a coma with her face, and laugh at you.

Today we take a look an official guide, to NBA JAM TE, or Tournament Edition if you're a pretensious asshole.

You may think that NBA Jam is just a game where you mash three button, but you're so totally wrong dude. The official player's guide laughs at how fucking wrong you are, with your perceived grasp on NBA Jam TE.

See? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out a player with a lower dunk rating will have less spectacular dunks. What an asshole you are for thinking differently. The official player's guide thinks so little of your pre-conceived notions on dunking, it decided to make a superfluous rocket scientist reference to remind you where your bread was buttered.

We're skipping several pages here, because I felt like it.

Next up is the player bios, which were interesting. The official player's guide is alternately full of praise, and scorn for some players. Like your alcoholic father that told you you'd never amount to shit, until 30 years later on his deathbed, he tells you how proud he was when you used to beat up handicapped kids in high school.

Horace Grant was clearly the favorite of the player's guide. Aside from a snide remark about his three point shooting, the guide feels you should be more like Horace Grant, and will compare your lackluster life to his at every Thanksgiving.

Next up is Charles Oakley. Oak is clearly inferior to Horace, but the player's guide keeps going back to Oak, despite his violent temper, and tendency to pie face people.

Finally, we end things with Terry Mills. The player's guide secretly resents Terry for having to drop out of high school to raise him, so every Christmas the guide likes to show the picture of Terry getting his shot blocked, while being punched in the sack.

If there's anything you take from this, remember that you'll never be as good as Horace, you fucking disgrace you.

Super Dotgraphics Fun!

2007-03-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

A package arrived today. Just for shits and giggles I figured I'd order a Nintendo Dotgraphics "statue". Why not? I'm a Nintendo whore. I'll buy anything if it has that little long oval with the word Nintendo in it. Unfortunatly, it's six bucks for a 4 inch high piece of plastic.

The crap shoot here is, as you can see, there is no markers on the box to tell you which one you'll be getting. It's random, which means you have about a 1-in-10 chance of total disappointment.

LOOK! DONKEY KONG! SUPER MARIO! LINK! BALLOON FIGHT! How can any of this go wrong? Total awesomeness in every box!

...

... Except for mine. It god damn figures. I get the perhaps least exciting one in the group. That's not to say that I dislike the game, but Jesus H. Christ, there isn't anything exciting about a guy in a blue parka. Except for the fact that he is beating a bird to death with a hammer. These are still REALLY awesome for any Nintendophile like myself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IN38_Qo3YA <--- YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE THING! COMPLETE WITH SOUND!

Double J's Best Games of 2006

2007-03-01T01:48:00.000-08:00

10. Final Fantasy XII (PS2)

Final Fantasy games are a big deal. When one hits, you know it. FFXII was of little exception. Although there was a different kind of calamity about this one. Square-Enix must have decided a change was in order. Instead of the tried and true method of the RPG standard turn based action, it happens in this weird, semi-real time kind of battle. Hell, if you really want to, you could even damn near have the game play itself for you. FFXII is a beautiful game, with a very well written story. But to say it was simply disappointing is only scratching the surface. It's still great though, for what it is. But as a Final Fantasy game? It will never rank in the top 5.

9. NEW Super Mario Bros. (Nintendo DS)

Nerds everywhere have waited years for this game. Take Super Mario Bros. 3, throw in some Super Mario Bros. 1 and Super Mario 64, and you've got NEW Super Mario Bros. There is a problem though. Yeah, it's a Mario game. Run, jump, don't fall, and squish the Goomba. But it has little heart. The quirkiness of the Mario genre almost feels force fed. It doesn't have that feel as you would expect from a Mario game. It's great, but the levels are fairly tame and lack any REAL design. They are almost like levels some guy on the internet created for his online Mario knockoff. With all that said, this is still an amazingly fun game that can really leave you reaching out for a fix of Mario. Let's hope we get a sequel.

8. Dragon Quest Heroes:Rocket Slime (Nintendo DS)

A game that I never thought of playing. I like RPGs, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had passed up this game all together. Honestly, and I don't like to admit this, but I decided on playing this game based on hearing them talk about it on an IGN Game Scoop Podcast. This game is adorable. It's a quirky RPG adventure that is in vain of The Legend of Zelda series. It's cute, it's funny (especially the shocked expression Rocket gives quite often...), and it's just fun. Plus it has tank battles. Using yourself or your friends as tank ammunition is hilarious enough on it's own. The tank battles are some of the most intense battles I've had in a handheld RPG ever.

7. Bully (PS2)

Jack Thompson is rolling over in his grave. Well, at least I wish he was. This game will apparently lead to thousands of deaths in America alone. I mean, as we speak, some kid is plotting on training with a Hobo to kick some guys ass right now. This game is Grand Theft Auto Lite. It's an open playing field where the main area of attraction is your school campus. I guess you play as a bully, even though there are pricks in the school worse than you. It's just good, juvenile fun without hooker holes.

6. Elite Beat Agents (DS)

Music. I genre I love apparently. I mean, for whatever reason there seems to be a music game that is always topping lists these days. Including my own. Frequency, Guitar Hero, hell, I'm even a fan of those Karaoke Revolution games. This is an interesting take on the genre. You are basically male cheerleaders that help people get through difficult times in their lives by dancing and singing an EXTREMELY eclectic group of songs, from Deep Purple to Madonna, they've got the bases covered here.

5. Tetris DS (Nintendo DS)

It's Tetris. It has an NES theme. It's Online. That is all.

4. Wii Sports (Wii)

Holy Jesus H. Christ. I figured Wii Sports would be a fun game. Just look at screen shots, how bad could it really be? I find this game funny for one particular reason. It doesn’t take much movement to play the games, but when Tennis comes up, you’re on your feet chasing the ball down like you are really on a court. Thusly making you look like a total jackass. Wii Sports has a funny way of making everyone want to get in on the action. My dad hasn’t played a video since the original Gran Turismo on the Playstation, and yet he asks me to hook the thing up so he can play some golf and bowling. Good job Nintendo.

3. Okami (PS2)

Clover Studios is/was/is going to be again a great game company. They stay sort of under the radar. People don’t recognize the name, they made some great games too. Viewtiful Joe is an amazing game. But their true masterpiece is Okami. Stripped down, without the wacky premise, the game is a strikingly similar to an N64/Cube/Wii Legend of Zelda game. It’s an action adventure RPG. You are a wolf god, and you defeat your enemies with the power of a paint brush. Okay, that sounds gay, but you don’t know if you haven’t played it. There is something disturbingly beautiful about painting a line on the screen that cuts your enemies in half.

2. Guitar Hero 2 (PS2)

Guitar Hero was my Number 1 game of 2005. It had a lot going for it. Awesome tracks, and an awesome controller to go with it. Guitar Hero 2 would have been the single most anticipated game of the year if it weren’t for the fact that Nintendo and Sony were launching consoles the following month of it’s release, and Nintendo was bring Zelda with them. Guitar Hero 2 improved upon some of the mechanics, making some of the more hand warping moves easier to pull off. Plus the soundtrack is right on par with the previous release, featuring some of my all time favorite songs like Free Bird and Carry On Our Wayward Son. It’s just as awesome now as it was a year ago.

1. Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess (Wii)

The Gamecube failed to launch with a legit Mario game. And it never even really got one either. Sure, it launched with Luigi’s Mansion, but that just doesn’t cut it. The Nintendo failed again without a Mario title at launch, but they made up for it big time. Nintendo’s newest console, the Wii, hit shelves with a game that had long since been considered a Gamecube game, but Nintendo stepped it up a bit, added some fantastic Wii Remote capabilities, and made the best game of the year. Period. I don’t want to be on of “those guys”, but Twilight Princess may actually be on of the best games in almost ten years, only being beat out by Ocarina of Time. Seriously. This game is worth price of admission alone. Already have a Gamecube and can get the game for that? Fuck you. Buy the Wii anyways. You’re an asshole thinking the ‘Cube version is an acceptable substitution.

Honorable Mentions: Brain Age/Big Brain Academy, Dead Rising, Lost Planet, Metroid Prime Hunters, Clubhouse Games, Trauma Center: Second Opinion, Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence, Black, Star Fox Command, Final Fantasy III. There are plenty others that I'm probably forgetting, but you get the point.

--Double J

If The Wii fails....this game is the goddamn reason....

2007-01-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

So there I am, minding my own god damn business at Hollywood Video after returning two Wii games I had previously rented. Little did I know, that my faith in the Wii would be rattled. Not just a little bit, but to a borderline epic degree. I had just come off of two fantastic Wii gaming experiences, Rayman Raving Rabbids, and Madden '07. I wander back to the game isle, and I'm looking through games. Avatar? Not today....Cars? Fuck that? Happy Feet? Jesus Christ...CHICKEN LITTLE?! What the hell is going on? Elebits? Already got it. Red Steel? Bought. Sold it. Dragon Ball? Maybe...I don't like Dragon, but I likes me some fighting....hmm.....what's this?

Alright, maybe I can get an actually good quality FPS game on the Wii. I mean, Red Steel, I'm convinced is broken. I have no problem playing Rayman or cutting out a dudes liver with the Wii, so why the hell does it take an entire second for the gun to follow your motions or have the cross hair just disappear? So I pick it up. And I apologize to myself for doing it.

The motion controls of the Wii are gimmicky, people know that. But it makes it fun. You swing it like a bat, and the screen ACTUALLY does what motion you're doing. It's simple, and it's finally been perfectly recreated for the home market. But everything has a dark side. A side that will go unnoticed.

Stare deep into this mans eyes, for he is your downfall.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHY?! The aiming is excellent, the controls are pretty tight, but I can't get past the first fucking level because you are telling me to hold my controllers on their sides, and push them in and out AND IT DOESN'T DO A GOD DAMN THING! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM ACTIVISION!?

CAN ELECTRONIC GAMING SURVIVE THE BIG SHAKE-OUT?

2006-12-31T00:32:00.000-08:00

Alex's Top 75 N64 Games

2006-12-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

Sponsored by...

It's 64-bit! No, really!

75. Earthworm Jim 3D
74. Glover
73. Buck Bumble
72. The New Tetris
71. NHL Blades of Steel
70. BattleTanx
69. Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
68. Mega Man 64
67. Bomberman Hero
66. Micro Machines 64 Turbo
65. ClayFighter 63 1/3
64. South Park 64
63. Road Rash 64
62. Tetrisphere
61. Bomberman 64: The Second Attack
60. Quest 64
59. NFL Quarterback Club '98
58. Rayman 2: The Great Escape
57. Ridge Racer 64
56. Cruis'n Exotica
55. Star Wars: Episode I Racer
54. ECW Hardcore Revolution
53. Snowboard Kids 2
52. Killer Instinct Gold
51. Space Station Silicon Valley
50. Tetris 64
49. Rocket: Robot on Wheels
48. Robotron 64
47. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest
46. WWF WrestleMania 2000
45. Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
44. Body Harvest
43. Chameleon Twist
42. Cruis'n World
41. Harvest Moon 64
40. Blast Corps
39. Banjo-Tooie
38. Bomberman 64
37. Doom 64
36. Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards
35. Mario Party 3
34. WCW/nWo Revenge
33. Castlevania 64
32. Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey '98
31. Excitebike 64
30. Donkey Kong 64
29. Mario Party 2
28. Cruis'n USA
27. Mario Golf
26. Snowboard Kids
25. Dr. Mario 64
24. Jet Force Gemini
23. Pokémon Puzzle League
22. Beetle Adventure Racing
21. WWF No Mercy
20. Yoshi's Story
19. Mario Party
18. 1080° Snowboarding
17. Wave Race 64
16. F-Zero X
15. Mario Tennis
14. Conker's Bad Fur Day
13. Banjo-Kazooie
12. Star Wars: Rogue Squadron
11. Perfect Dark

10. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The time limit probably hurt this game more than it helped it, but it was still a solid installment of the Zelda franchise.

9. Goldeneye 007

So many perfectly good afternoons of my youth were wasted no thanks to this game.

8. PilotWings 64

In a word, mind-blowing. It hasn't held up as good as the SNES version, but still amazing in its day. If we don't get a Wii sequel, I'm raping something.

7. Star Fox 64

What fucking gender is Slippy supposed to be? Dykiest frog ever. The rumble pak took away my youth far too soon.

6. Diddy Kong Racing

I played the hell out of this. I had already played Mario Kart 64 to death in six months' time, and Diddy Kong Racing felt like a much more complete and nonlinear game. The hovercrafts and planes were an extremely welcome innovation in the kart-racing genre.

5. Super Smash Bros.

I remember when this came out of absolutely fucking nowhere. I would have never expected to see a fighting game (on the N64, of all consoles) tear me away from my Soul Caliburs and Marvel vs. Capcoms of the Dreamcast.

4. Paper Mario

While it wasn't exactly what we wanted (a direct sequel to Mario RPG), it was an amazingly unique and quirky experience, and a nice change of pace from all of the cliched Final Fantasies. Paper Mario still holds up incredibly well today.

3. Mario Kart 64

Although I've enjoyed many Goldeneye multiplayer games, I've probably played even more multiplayer Mario Kart 64 races. I remember spending pretty much all of summer '98 playing Battle Mode with my friends.

2. Super Mario 64

What hasn't been said about this classic? Well, if it wasn't for Mario 64, we wouldn't have had to play crap like Gex. Good going, Nintendo.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

You just don't know how hard it was for me to choose between Ocarina and Mario 64. My decision of which is best may be ever-changing. Perhaps they are equal. But Ocarina of Time, just as any other Zelda title, has a distinct, mysterious feeling that I just can't place.

Coming soon: my top SNES, NES, and, for the first time ever, my top Genesis games. If I'm not killed by NyQuil before then.

- alex

2006-12-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Sponsored By:

"I'm Still Alive! Honest!"

A little weekly column I plan on doing. This is a Six part series featuring my 10 Ten favorite games from each console generation. The breakdown is such:

7th (Next Gen) Generation: 360, PS3, Wii

6th: Gamecube, PS2, Xbox, Dreamcast

5th: PSX, N64, Saturn, Jaguar, 3DO

4th: SNES, Genesis, Neo Geo, Turbo-Graphx 16

3rd (AKA Post Crash): NES, Master System, Atari 7800

2nd: Atari VCS (2600), Intellivision, Colecovision, various others

1st: Odyssey, Pong, Telstar

That's the breakdown. I shall be working my way back through the generations. Obviously omitting the 7th since only one console from the generation exists. Also, this is for consoles. Handhelds don't count. But expect a Handhelds Special soon. So without Further ado:

Double J's Top Ten Games of the Sixth Generation!!!

10. Shenmue (DC) "Do you know where I can find any sailors?"

A risk was taken with this game. For such an early example of sixth generation graphics, it looks amazing. It follows the story of a young man in the '80s in Japan wanting the avenge the death of his father. Which translates into: Do boring stuff around town to make money to get be able to travel to the second game while digging for clues. Tedious at times, but a game experience like no other. Collect toys, pet kittens, drink cola, play arcade games, drive a forklift, get in giant 100 man fights in empty warehouses? This guy is fucking living the life!

9. Tales of Symphonia (Gamecube) "LLOYD IRVING!!"

Stupid main character names aside, this is one of my favorite RPGs of the generation. I enjoyed it more than either of the Final Fantasy games released (thus far, XII isn't exactly looking promising...). Light hearted most of the time, but dead serious when it needs to be. Cheesy and entertaining voice acting. Beautiful graphics. It's a nice little 2 disc experience. It contains a fairly standard RPG story, which a whimsical twist. It's nice. If you haven't played it yet, I could think of a FAR worse way to spend 20 bucks on a game.

8. Super Mario Sunshine (Gamecube) "YAHOO!"

Okay. This may not exactly have been the Super Mario 128 game we were hoping for, but that's okay. It takes a DRASTIC turn from the standard "Jump on shit and kill it" routine of Mario. Instead, you get FLUDD, a water pack that can give you the ability to fly if you need it....
...okay, that is rather stupid, but it's fun. Damn fun. You have to clean up all of the graffiti that Mario is being blamed for. At one point, as Mario, you get sick of the bullshit your are being put through and RIP THE TENTACLES OFF OF A GIANT BLOOPER! Plus you get to rid a Yoshi in a 3D world, how fucking awesome is that?

7. Okami (PS2) "*w00f*"

This is the closest that Sony will EVER get to a Zelda game. As the main character, your digital avatar for this experience is part god, part wolf, part......painter?! With a unique twist on the Action RPG game, Okami executes the greatest game in the genre since Legend of Zelda: OoT. I mean, at some points they even seem to be ripping the game off totally. You have a little tiny wandering artist stuck riding around on you that glows blue, unless he sees something of importance in which case he jumps off of you, changes color and beckons you over to it. Sound familiar? Yeah, I knew it did. Being able to cut bad guys in half with the stroke of a paint brush is way more satisfying than shooting a guy. Seriously.

6. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (Gamecube) "*Random childish yell*"

Remember when I said Okami executes the greatest game in the genre is OoT. I meant AFTER Wind Waker. Cell shading is cool. Punch your friend and never talk to him again if he says other wise. Sailing, however, not so cool. But still better than driving a Tank from point A to point B. It's Zelda. It does everything you expect from a Zelda game. Except it has Tingle. If you like Tingle, you're gay. Plain and simple. But it does have a talking boat. Talking boats are cool. MGS Stealth Action (TM)? Irritating as FUCK.

5. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox) "*STAR WARS FANFARE*"

Star Wars Theme [X]
RPG [X]
Good story [X]
Darth Vader [_]
Well, 3 outta 4 ain't bad. I'm not much for non-Movie related Star Wars stuff, but BioWare did an AWESOME fucking job on KotOR. Plus, being able to let me decide how much of a prick I am in a game and actually have it affect the outcome is totally awesome, ESPECIALLY when it means joining the Dark Side.

4. Super Smash Bros. Melee (Gamecube) "VS METAL ZELDA!"

The only thing that could have made this game any better was online and Sonic the Hedgehog. This is better than any WWE, Mortal Kombat, or post SFII game ever made. It looks good. It plays good. It's the best party game on the 'Cube. You get some people together to gang up on Pikachu, and that's a good night. Mr. Game and Watch owns your soul. Yeah, you know it.

3. Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube/PS2) "Looks like the president equiped his daughter with ballistics"

It's. So. Beautiful. Resident Evil is one of my all time favorite franchises. It's creepy, it's fun, and it's violent. Zombies are horrible creatures, so you don't feel bad about killing them. Well. Zombies in their traditional sense are gone. It doesn't matter though, Leon is back! Okay. Maybe Leon isn't that cool. And he did turn down pussy at the end of the game....oops, spoilers. Sorry. But it's been several months now people, there is a statute of limitations on these things. NEWS FLASH: Sorry Mr. Heston, but it was EARTH ALL ALONG!
They changed the camera, which is great. I LOVED the old camera, it left me in suspense, but this one is fucking awesome. And it just looks fucking awesome. It is the single best looking game out there in this generation. Period. Get the 'Cube version if you can. The PS2 version has some extra stuff, but it's full of shortcomings of it's own.

2. Katamari Damacy (PS2) "NA-Na, nanananana na, na na na nana naaaa"

If you don't hum the Katamari Damacy theme song randomly after playing this, you aren't human. Simple enough. Roll shit up into your giant sticky ball and send them into space as stars. Nevermind that some of the things you are collecting are human beings, animals, buildings and......rainbows......I'd explain the story, but seriously, it wold be a waste of time. You wouldn't REALLY get it, and that's sad.

1. Metal Gear Solid 3 Subsistence/Guitar Hero (PS2) "TIME PARADOX"

Metal Gear Solid 3 is perhaps on of THE MOST solid story telling games I have ever played. Everything has a place, everything is important, and it plays really well. I prefer this kind of "Rambo" stealth than the sneaking kind. Subsist ace includes that game, plus a whole slew of other features. Online play is can be really fun. Unless you get the weirdo who runs around in a box the whole game. That asshole ruins everything.

Guitar Hero. I mean seriously, what the fuck? Why is this game so cool? It's gimmicky. It came out of NOWHERE and took the world by storm. I mean, it has fucking Blue Oyster Cult! How could you not like pretending to be a rockstar for 5 minutes to well made covers of some of rock and rolls greatest hits. This games difficulty will keep you coming back. It ranges from "Easy as Hell" to "WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN MEEE!?!?!"

Honorable Mentions: Burnout Revenge was the most perfect racing game this side of Gran Turismo 4. Gran Turismo 4 is one of my favorite franchises, but it IS just more of the same. Max Payne is one my my most favorite action games of this generation. Kingdom Hearts was amazing. The forgotten .hack saga is a great series. Fable is an amazing experience. Resident Evil 0 and REmake are fantastic examples of how to remake a game right. DK Jungle Beat the the BEST platformer you never played. GTA Vice City has one of the best atmospheres I've seen in a game. Metal Gear Solid 2 is fantastic but forgettable.

Thanksgiving 2006: Double J Spends Another Holiday in Physical Pain! For Your Amusement!

2006-11-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

That's right! Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Dallas Cowboys, and hour long arguments with family about how you're not gay, it's another tradition! Every year now, Jones releases a new gift pack, and I'm the one stupid enough to not only waste money on the thing, but to actually drink the soda that comes in it! I know you envy me, I don't blame you. Let's get on with it shall we?

First up is the holy grail, Sang Real if you are cool like that. Pretty much, if you are getting shitty soda for the holidays, this is a guarantee for you. This is the soda other shitty sodas strive to be. They all work towards this one common goal, be the next Jones Turkey and Gravy flavored soda.

I've had this particular soda quite a few times in the past, you'd think after a while, I'd just give up, I mean, what's the point, I know what it tastes like right? I shouldn't be shocked about it anymore. Oh but are you wrong my friend....

It's just as bad now as it was 3 years ago, and I have a feeling things won't be changing anytime soon. Nothing can prepare you for warm, turkey flavored beverage. Does it taste like what it's advertised as? Yes. Is that a good thing? I guess if you're a jackass it is.

Next up is one that sounds pretty tempting, Dinner Roll soda. I mean, I like me a bread roll. It's part of a complete meal, without bread, it's nothing. Really, in essence this:

Is beer without the alcohol. Is it good you may ask? How does one shove a dinner roll into a liquid state and sell it to people? You smell it, it doesn't dinner like dinner roll, you taste it and well...

You get sucked into a state of utter confusion. I mean, it's not bad. I wouldn't say "HEY! WAITER! Give me one of them there ROLL flavored beverages please!". It's not bad, but don't let that fool you, saying that this soda wasn't bad in relation to the rest is like saying "well, I mean, I guess I'd rather get pissed on than shit on..."

Next up on Double J's 2006 Suicide march was Sweet Potato soda. Hmm. Sweet is right in the title:

How could it be all that bad? I mean, like I said, it says sweet right there. Plus it appears to have a label with A Christmas Story on it, that's not bad either. You take a sip....nothing....right away at least....

Then...well...it hits you. This isn't sweet potato at all, damnit! This is some sort of cruel prank, like those candies that look like innocent pieces of butterscotch wrapped in colorful plastic, but underneath that shiny wrapper is something foul and fish flavored. Fuck you Jones Soda Co. Fuck you for making me look like an asshole douchebag on the internet.

Next up is something that can be described as pure, unadulterated horror. Pea Soda:

I'm sure the guy who came up with this idea laughed his ass off for a good 45 minutes. First of all, it's called Pea Soda, which may or may not be on purpose. How could anyone bring themselves to drink a soda that reminds them of urine when they mention it? Seriously? Apparently I'm their target audience.

This:

Went to this:

Then to this:

Jones actually crippled me for a good 45 seconds. I mean, seriously. What the fuck?!?! What are you guys trying to prove? You make delicious sodas like Bubble Gum, Green Apple, and the homo erotic FuFu Berry, and then you go ahead and do this? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why do you hate humanity? Seriously? I want an email from you guys this week. You're all assholes.

Well, in order to ease my stomach, I should chug a bottle of the pink stuff. I mean, that's what it's there for. I guess Jones tried to warn me ahead of time:

Sadly, this stuff didn't work, but it did taste kind of good...

Not vodka good, but better than most. Although it didn't ease my stomach one bit. I can still taste the pea...lingering in hidden pockets in my mouth bursting forth even on the occasional belch.....

I hope you are all proud of yourselves enjoying my agony....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Unless you are in Canada and already celebrated your day of thanks, in which case, go to hell.

IT GLOWS IN THE DARK

2006-11-17T17:14:00.000-08:00

This just in, and it is a big one. Carl, get off the phone, Mabel, get into the kitchen, you're gonna want to hear this. I've got a Wii controller condom. And it glows in the dark!

I've had this thing since 1:00 today, and I haven't put it down since. Sure, I don't have a Wii or a Wii remote, but IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. LIKE A GLOWSTICK. And it's made of rubber. RUBBER. Like condoms. Only it has a giant hole on the top so your baby making juice will spill out into your lady pal's vagina. But it's green! And it smells like a tropical island, full of thousands of naked Princess Zeldas. Just kidding. It actually smells like meth. Or burnt rubber.

Carl, come back into the living room, Mabel, get a pad and pencil cause you're gonna want to write this down. Now, I can finally pretend to play the original Legend of Zelda on the virtual console with a Wii remote!

Fuck the Wii. I'm more than happy with this $9 controller glove. I know, I got ripped off. BUT IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. AND IT'S GREEN! LIKE A GLOWSTICK! AND DID I MENTION THAT IT COMES WITH A WRIST STRAP?! A GREEN ONE.

Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, cause it's a humdinger.

Guess what I found, of all places, in Sam's Club? For $44. Not $50 like everywhere else. $44 dollars.

Go on, guess.

Give up?

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS!!

Nah, I'm yanking your chain.

RED STEEL. RED FUCKING STEEL. $44. Sure, I have nothing to play it on. But I can look at the case for hours on end, and wave my Wii controller condom around and pretend to slice some g's head off. Did I mention it GLOWS IN THE DARK?!

- alex

XZEROX Reviews Treasure Island Dizzy

2006-11-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

Double J: Rantaholic Vol. 1

2006-11-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

What happened? Seriously. What happened with the world? Why must everything be re visioned? I'm sick of it. Donkey Kong isn't a good guy. He fucking kidnapped a fat guys girlfriend. Bless her soul for settling down with an Italian plumber, but then some monkey comes in and tries to change all that? That's bullshit. But now DK is a hero. He's killing crocodiles and eating bananas. No. Stop it. Throw barrels and attempt to rape women, none of this bongo bullshit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will always be cool. Always. HOWEVER, the need for a new series was unnecessary. Everything that was needed to be said was said in the old show. Just rerun that. Instead, though, you decide to drag the once dead and loved franchise through the mud a little bit. Fuck that.

Transformers. Okay,I've got nothing against the countless TV shows. They are good for what they are. But Michael Bay, slow the fuck down. I don't know what it is exactly you are trying to do, or how you could even fuck up something as simple as robots that turn into things, but you're doing it pretty good. Please, just kill Megatron right now.

I'm glad they haven't tried to redo the Mario cartoons. I'm pretty sure, cartoon writers seem to think kids want a dark edgy, brooding, realistic world, it would be similar to the Super Mario live action movie as opposed to the light hearted videogame world. Wait a second....never mind, let's put that fucking show on the air tonight....

---Double J

Alex's Top 50 GameCube Games

2006-10-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sponsored by:

Indrema

"Coming Holiday 2000"

Do you hear that? It's the sound of yet another console generation passing us by. And what a beautiful one it was. Cel-shaded Zelda, first-person Metroid, Hot Coffee, and stupid bongo drums. With Xbox Live, we could finally experience the joys of Chuck E. Cheese in our very own home.

Fuck it, I miss the '80s.

For the past few weeks, I've been looking back on the GameCube and its rather small library. Sure, GameCube owners got the short end of the stick this gen, but would you really rather play 900 random first-person shooters and GTA knockoffs over Pikmin? The answer is, according to sales and statistics, yes. But anyway, I decided to rank my top 100 GameCube games... then it hit me. I don't have 100 favorite GameCube games. I hardly own 30 GameCube games. So we'll have to settle for 50.

I didn't include direct ports, unless it was an enhanced version of a game from this or a previous generation.

50. Starfox Adventures
49. Sonic Heroes
48. Space Raiders
47. Chibi-Robo
46. 1080° Avalanche
45. Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour
44. Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix
43. Bomberman Generation
42. Odama
41. Geist
40. Mario Superstar Baseball
39. Luigi's Mansion
38. Wario World
37. The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures
36. Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life
35. Battalion Wars
34. Ikaruga
33. Wave Race: Blue Storm
32. Star Wars Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike
31. Resident Evil Remake
30. Pac-Man Vs.
29. Baten Kaitos
28. Skies of Arcadia Legends
27. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
26. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
25. Super Monkey Ball 2
24. Mario Power Tennis
23. Super Mario Strikers
22. Killer 7
21. Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles
20. Pikmin 2
19. Starfox: Assault
18. Viewtiful Joe 2
17. Soul Calibur II
16. Star Wars Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader
15. F-Zero GX
14. Mario Kart: Double Dash
13. Animal Crossing
12. Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
11. Super Monkey Ball
10. Pikmin
9. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem
8. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
7. Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
6. Viewtiful Joe
5. Super Mario Sunshine
4. Metroid Prime
3. Resident Evil 4
2. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
1. Super Smash Bros. Melee

RIP GAMECUBE

2001-2006

P.S. I'm still mad at you, Nintendo, for not releasing the spice GameCube over here in North America. I shall get my revenge by buying a Wii on launch day, along with additional colors and special editions afterwards. Take that!

2006-10-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

The Wii Countdown begins. In less than a month, the console hits stores, so what does Target do? They taunt me. Without mercy they taunt me with several random Wii related products, some of which are useless until November 19th, like controller skins. Other stuff, like giftcards, cases, CD wallets, and what appears to be backpacks are also on shelves. Of course I'm far too weak to pass up on an opportunity to purchase something with the Nintendo seal of approval on it, so here is what I got:

Holy crap. Wii pins and Dog tags. Is $24.99 too much for a novelty? Not at all when you're as obsessed with stuff like this as I am, which I think has been proven by the following picture:

---Double J

Welcome To Video Armageddon!

2006-10-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome, I'm one half of the official Video Armageddon crew, Double J. If you've found this page before Oct. 31st, you're awesome. If you are reading this AFTER Oct. 31st, welcome. This is the official outlet for any and all Video Armageddon features. Reviews, articles, rants and ramblings, this is where it goes. This site was created as an outlet for myself and Alex. Also, we like videogames, and wanted our own forums, so score there too. We also wanted to get into E3, but now, that plan is fucking blown to bits. Oh well.

---Double J